Cluster B and Seperation

[Blindersoff]

I have been dating a woman with Cluster B personality  disorder but was not aware of it. I began to get word she was seeing another man who actually is friend I see from time to time. I addressed it to her and she denied saying they were friends. Offered her an out by stating we could date other people and that would be ok. Answer no.  She then was seen with him at a party with friends and it was evident they were together as well as the night. Addressed it once again several days later with denial. When I told her lets take a break, ten minutes later we had sex. Since then I have seen her one time but she has called several times and texted. I knew she had a upcoming trip and her new guy was going. She lied and said the trip was cancelled. On our last conversation I told her if she had nothing to do or myself we could hang out at my home, she said yes or at her home, she said yes. My friends say I am her touchstone and she admitted I know her better than anyone. Is she done with me or can I expect a return ? BTW, I am fine, hurt a little, but the lying I cannot handle. Story could on but this is the short version. Update the errors. I really am bad at typing.

[Starboard Song]

Is she done with me or can I expect a return ?

Of course, none of us can tell what she might do next. I am sorry you've had this experience. It feels so violating to be treated this way. You certainly deserve better.

From what you have learned about her so far, it sounds like we are dealing with someone whom you believe will consistently display characteristics of a Cluster B disorder, who is repeatedly unfaithful, and who lies about being unfaithful. I'd never tell someone online to abandon a long relationship or marriage, because we never know the details, the entanglements, and the many repercussions that could arise. But if you've only been dating a little while, I'll repeat this line of advice for consideration:

It is not the case that we have romantic relationships with most people, and only weed out a few bad apples. In truth, we have romantic relationships with almost nobody, when you think about it, selecting only those very few who consistently help us to thrive and to be our very best. It is only the best of these special few whom we invest in. And so we exclude people for any little reason, and owe no explanations.

Be good. Be strong. Make sure you take care of yourself.

[Justanotherlostgirl1]

I have been dating a woman with Cluster B personality  disorder but was not aware of it. I began to get word she was seeing another man who actually is friend I see from time to time. I addressed it to her and she denied saying they were friends. Offered her an out by stating we could date other people and that would be ok. Answer no.  She then was seen with him at a party with friends and it was evident they were together as well as the night. Addressed it once again several days later with denial. When I told her lets take a break, ten minutes later we had sex. Since then I have seen her one time but she has called several times and texted. I knew she had a upcoming trip and her new guy was going. She lied and said the trip was cancelled. On our last conversation I told her if she had nothing to do or myself we could hang out at my home, she said yes or at her home, she said yes. My friends say I am her touchstone and she admitted I know her better than anyone. Is she done with me or can I expect a return ? BTW, I am fine, hurt a little, but the lying I cannot handle. Story could on but this is the short version. Update the errors. I really am bad at typing.

I don't think any one of us can't predict what another person will do. That being said, I can make a guess based on my experience with uPDs. Yes, she will return. She will return again and again and again, and she will also continue to see the other man. Why? Because she can.

The best thing for you to do for yourself right now is to set a firm boundary that you will not contact her. Delete all of her information from all of your devices and block her calls. I know that seems a bit extreme, but these people always find a way to get back into your lives and it will cause continuous heartache and grief.

PD's love supply. Supply is anyone who gives them attention or admiration in ANY way. That can be positive or negative, it doesn't matter, but in my experience, they thrive off of the negative because they are able to elevate themselves to a place of goodness while placing you in a place of ridicule, which further validates their feeling that they are superior. You would have to go through many many of the uPDs cycle before you would be discarded IMO. If there is still attention there in any aspect, the cycle continues. Cut her off and move on.

[nillah]

First off, I am really sorry that you are experiencing this! Sounds very confusing and frustrating.

Is she done with me or can I expect a return ?

If this person has repeatedly lied to you, do you think she has much respect for you? If not, then why you holding on to a person who is not treating you well? I do not mean this in any judgemental way, I am genuinely asking you the question.

My friends say I am her touchstone and she admitted I know her better than anyone.

I assume this is because she shared stories of her life which she claims she hadn't shared with anyone else. It probably feels good to know that a person can trust you this deeply, and you want to be *that* person for someone else. What this says to me is that you're probably trusthworthy and a good listener. Are these qualities reciprocated from her? If not again, why are you seeking to stay in a relationship where you're not getting back what you're giving?

[1footouttadefog]

It seems she is a mismatch.

You require her honesty and she refuses to be honest.  Even after you gave her a free pass on being a cheater, by offering an open relationship, she still lied and went behind your back.

Seems lying to you is part of the game for her.

Mismatch.

[Blindersoff]

First of all thank you for the responses. Up to today I have only taken one call from her. Needless to say the call was all over the place. Did not like to hear I was doing great, asked if I had a girlfriend. Thanked me for all the help I gave her, but the most interesting was "she been dumped by the best" and said I was the best. She offered to get together if our calendars worked out "get in trouble " code word sex. Boundaries have been set by me and I will take no more calls, text, ect. from her. Was this a mismatch, yes in epic proportions. Does she respect me, of course not. She does not respect anyone. Time away from her and reflecting on the obvious red flags have opened my eyes to what could have been a much worse ending for me. This site is a blessing.

[Starboard Song]

Boundaries have been set by me and I will take no more calls, text, ect. from her. Was this a mismatch, yes in epic proportions. Does she respect me, of course not. She does not respect anyone. Time away from her and reflecting on the obvious red flags have opened my eyes to what could have been a much worse ending for me. This site is a blessing.

Congratulations to you! You leaped right to strong boundaries, kindly but firmly enforced. That's huge success. It is time to read about Hoovers in our toolbox. Hoovers are attempts to suck us back in. It can a period of nice sweetness, it can be sexual offers, it can be businesslike inquiries about a pet, or it can be awful baiting into arguments: anything to get us to resume engagement.

These can be very hard to process. People sometimes feel a lot of guilt around these maneuvers. Good luck remaining ever so strong.

[Blindersoff]

I will read Hoovers. Communication is the only channel she has to me. It has been eliminated. Now, it might anger her or drive her crazy but this is the new norm for her regarding me. Do not for see her showing up at my home. Thank you again.

[Boat Babe]

I'm glad you got out now, before your feelings  for her make separation really painful. I'm also glad that you saw what was happening and we're able to act swiftly to protect yourself. If you use this time to do a little personal growth work, as many of us do, then you will make something positive out of this encounter.

[Blindersoff]

Yes, personal growth and work on my self confidence is a must. My standards will have a much higher level of expectation that will have to met. BB your right, work on me first. Thank you.

[Free2Bme]

It is my experience that some Cluster B's get off on lying. 

Many PD's have highly addictive tendencies (be it drugs, alcohol, porn, you name it). 

I observed the PD in my life was addicted to lying.  When he lied, it was a hit to the reward center in the brain. 

He habitually lied about things he didn't have to lie about, meaning there were no repercussions/punishments involved. 

I would not expect your lady-friend to change her behavior.

[Blindersoff]

Completely agree. How can a Cluster B control themselves for 8 to 9 hours at work , then go on a tear. Is there such a condition as "controlled cluster b". There is a part of me that truly believes they might actually like the "crazy side" of life. Regardless I will not participate.

[escapingman]

Completely agree. How can a Cluster B control themselves for 8 to 9 hours at work , then go on a tear. Is there such a condition as "controlled cluster b". There is a part of me that truly believes they might actually like the "crazy side" of life. Regardless I will not participate.

In my experience they can control themselves when they want to or have to. My uNPDw would never show her ugly side to the neighbours, she walks around in the neighbourhood being a saint. I have an example from last summer, we were going away for a few days and as always she kicked off whilst packing the car. She was screaming at me and the kids, making nasty comments to us and was in a terrible mood. Suddenly one of the neighbours turned up and she switched like someone pressed a button, she stood there chatting, smiling and laughing, even talked nicely to me. As soon as the neighbour had gone she switched again and went back to the mean person she had been 5 minutes earlier.

[Blindersoff]

Just a follow up. This is all very new to me. So, no contact verbally since 2/9, a text on Valentines Day from her. I did  not reply.  I am off the radar, no talk or text. Mutual friend told me this- Her side of the story is she broke it off with me to see other people. Now, my comment was, "all good and I agree". Now that conversation never took place.  Can I now be considered released?

[Starboard Song]

Can I now be considered released?

You are released when (1) nobody is threatening your physical safety or financial well-being, and (2) you've kicked them out of your head, denying them the right to make you feel angry, hurt, needlessly vigilant, humiliated, or fearful.

It sounds like you have really achieved both. If so, you are released. If not, that's not shameful: but you do hold the key.