Struggling with Showing up for Myself

[JustKeepTrying]

I know my handle is just keep trying and it has been a motto in my life.

but tonight I'm struggling.  My surgery has been scheduled and it's in two weeks.  A whole new femur and hopefully it will take this time.  But I'm sitting in my new place and I feel a sense of real anxiety and crashing waves of depression and a distinct lack of self confidence.

In the past when facing all those surgeries, surgeries where I didn't have a lot of choice it was operate or die and there were many, this one is definitely a must-have but the recovery last time was so hard.  It was right after the divorce was final.  My x was still playing some real mind games with me and we were going into the first lockdown.  I was in a dark place for a long time.  And I never really recovered.  Of course I know now why but it was such a long and hard road back and now I get to walk it again.  Alone.

My self confidence is at all time low.  I hear his passive aggressive comments in my head and all the gas lighting and complete eroding of my spirit.  I am not sure how to dig deep this time.  How to live for only myself. It was the kids I came back for - and even this last time my son was still around - but now they are all on their own and doing their thing and I'm alone.

Don't get me wrong - I don't want my xOCPDh back.  But never in my life have I really reached a bottom and pulled myself back for only me.  It's scary.  Leaving him was a real act of survival - I felt real fear that he would kill me when I walked out.  But this feels different - this surgery - and I don't know why.

Living with a PD really messes with your mind.  And the after effects continue to linger.

Any advice?

[pianissimo]

Hi JustKeepTrying

Two weeks sounds soon, so, perhaps you don't feel ready for it psychologically. Perhaps, all this time, you sorted things to make everything ready for the time until surgery, and you haven't thought of what you would need after the surgery. Perhaps you need to take your time to think what you want for yourself after the surgery. From your posts, it sounds like you take good care of yourself, so, once the surgery is out of the way, you might find your way to recovery instinctivly.

[Boat Babe]

Dear Justkeeptrying, I'm not surprised you're feeling scared and down. Anyone would in your situation. All you can do right now is, pardon the analogy, is to keep putting one foot in front of the other until you start feeling better. And you will, hopefully sooner rather than later. If I can suggest some Mindful Self Compassion practices, I believe you will find this comforting and supportive. I can apply the self compassion break to virtually every painful/troublesome aspect of my life.
Lastly a recent insight that I find helpful when dealing with painful feelings is "Feelings can be real but not true."

Please lean on us as you navigate these scary waters. And breathe.

[SonofThunder]

JKT,

Im so sorry you must face another surgery and are feeling alone.  +1 on BoatBabe's comment about leaning on all your friends here at Out of the FOG.  I will be keeping you in thought and prayer and look forward to reading updates on your progress. 

You wrote "but now they are all on their own and doing their thing and I'm alone."   

In my own experiences, I have been pleasantly surprised at just how 'adult' my grown kids have become and how our relationship has blossomed, by my own willingness to develop an adult friendship with each of them individually.  Both of my adult children are able to understand and accept their childhood experiences, embrace their own adulthood and now come alongside me as an adult friend.  That has required that I also set aside my 'dad' roles/mindset that are so engrained in me, and approach them as their friends approach them; vulnerable and equal.  When I have done this proactively, trusting them to be adult friends, they have taken the time and energy to lend emotional support in my time of need.

Are you able to express these same emotional feelings from your original post, with your adult children?

SoT

[blunk]

JustKeepTrying, I am so sorry that you are struggling.

But, imo, it is worth considering that your recovery the last time around was as difficult as it was specifically because you were still dealing with your pd ex. The stress that they put on us can only hinder our health and recovery, I know you have spoken on this topic in the past.

Perhaps it would help to reframe your thinking to something like...this time I can concentrate 100% on my recovery with no added stress. I can follow the dr's orders with nobody chirping in my ear that they know better, or that I'm not doing enough for them.

It also sounds like your dr is optimistic about the outcome of this surgery. I am hoping for you that you are able to complete your recovery and return to your travels with greater enjoyment than you ever imagined.

[1footouttadefog]

Can you talk with the social workers at the hospital about your recovery and home health visits.  Maybe get some soft commitments from friends and neighbors etc to check in with you.

Knowing you will be checked on should bring some peace.  Informing your medical team of your concerns and feelings may be useful as well. 

You mentioned a person or person's who reviewed your plans with, perhaps brain storm your concerns with them.

I am amazed you are even able to type about this.  I think I would be numb and zoning out and letting the hours pass in a real bad state. 

Don't listen to the messages.  Maybe make a list of the negative and passive agressive statement on a she of paper entitled PD Lies or PD B.S.  and burn them at a celebration BBQ party when you are on the other side.  Or at Least Visualize some positives like that.

You Will Make It through this also.  It will be hard and painful and a huge challenge but you are worth the trouble and so will your new life be also. 

[nanotech]

I've been here with this.
Baby steps are ok- just start of with something small you do for yourself and go on from there.
It's good that your adult kids are independent. You may feel you need them more than that need you, but I've got adult children and they get on with their lives too, but they always come back when they need us. We are a safe space, an anchor for them.
Yes, the relationship changes, but they do need us to be there for them. Also in the future, you probably have grandchildren to look forward to! They are amazing!   

Could it be that the idea of surgery is reigniting a fear of being controlled and/ or feeling quite vulnerable to others again?  Remember that this is  an intervention based on kindness and concern, that's going to help you so much. It will ultimately offer you more independence.   

The passive-aggressive murmurings? You are so used to hearing his comments that you are presently 'filling the gaps' with an internal voice. But if you hear it, you can tell it to pipe down, even to shut up! It WILL diminish. It isn't your voice and it knows nothing about you. It never did.   It has NO power over you. It's just an irritating echo of something that no longer exists in your life.  I'm sending hugs🤗!!!!!
You're not alone, you have your family, and you have us too. xxxxx

[JustKeepTrying]

There is truth in all your responses.  I am afraid of being vulnerable.  I hate to rely on people and ask for help.  I am sure there many reasons and some valid or not but the bottom line is - I like to do for myself. As for the kids, they have been through so often and from a young age. Countless calls to an emergency crew to revive me or another life threatening surgery or chemo or insert trauma here.  All horrible.  They may show up at some point but the DDs are afraid to because they work in the school and may expose me to covid before surgery.  I get that.  We are talking more and I am slowly building a new relationship with them post divorce.

With your encouragement, I did reach out to some close friends who will stop and check on me post op.  I won't be as alone as felt before.

I think the hardest thing is that for decades I longed for peace.  And could find it.  Then those lovely six weeks of travel were the perfect glimpse into what life could be like and could be even better again.  And another set back.  I am tired of getting knocked down over and over.

Thank you everyone for being there.

[nanotech]

I'm so glad you've reached out to your friends.
I understand why your children are staying away at the moment - to keep you free from infection. They are protecting you. You'll get those hugs afterwards.
I totally get your frustration at the setback you're experiencing.
I'm thinking that during your stay in hospital, there'll be some positive stuff happening that reminds you that most of us humans are loving and kind.
We're here for you to talk to. You're in charge of your own life now, you'll get your longed for peace, and you'll be back adventuring soon xxxxx

[JustKeepTrying]

In a little more than 24 hours I get my new leg!  Yipee!  I am working hard on trying to keep positive and look forward.  So I am cheering myself on.  I will be back home in less than a week and recuperating.

I am in awe of the few friends who stepped forward to help.  I had to drive more than an hour away to the hospital almost every day for the past five days for pre-op testing etc.  Each time a friend drove and helped with the wheelchair.  Every movement is pain now and I can't take any meds.  Only OTC acetaminophen.  Ugh.  So I am very careful.  I don't want the joint to break any further.  The surgeon showed me the films and I was half fascinated and half horrified.  The break is complete, through and through, and never joined.  For the past two years, I've been hobbling on a broken femur held together with a large metal rod.  I am truly grateful that I didn't hurt myself further.

I had a real stumble with the DDs this past weekend.  I heard their father in all their comments and questions.  Old behavioral patterns emerged and they are definitely carrying fleas.  I immediately became defensive and emotional and when we ended I realized what had happened.  It was so jarring to hear the old tropes from them - and not my xOCPDh.  I talked it through with my therapist and a good friend.  I will be in a better position to firmly erect a boundary next time.  I keep respecting their boundary.  They are not respecting mine.

I am worried.  Of course.  Scared.  What if it doesn't work this time keeps circling in my head.  I have said my rosary over and over.  Thank you for the prayers SOT.  I am using the self-compassion meditations and they have been very helpful.  I find myself calmer and able to focus better when I do them.  Thank you Boat Babe. 

I talked long for a long time with social services at the hospital and we have a solid plan for transitioning home. Thank you 1foot.  I have people staying and helping. 

You all are the best.  I have read every post over and over and I feel less alone.

[Boat Babe]

You so rock JKT, I am so proud of your courage.  I am so glad you have got good friends to help you    We'll be here on the other side of your surgery, waiting to hear good news. ❤️

[SonofThunder]

You so rock JKT, I am so proud of your courage.  I am so glad you have got good friends to help you    We'll be here on the other side of your surgery, waiting to hear good news. ❤️

  Yes!  Very much looking forward to reading of a successful surgery, increased healing, positive adaptation and near-future forward movement in living out your daydreams with your new leg. 

Will be continuing to pray for you, the doctors and the procedure.  Go JKT! 

SoT

[Free2Bme]

JKT,

Just now catching up on this.  I am praying for a successful procedure, your pain to be under control, and that your body will heal quickly ad completely.  I also hope you will continue to get the support needed to carry you through this difficult time. 

Sending love and support-
Keep us posted

[JustKeepTrying]

With covid, I am home and recovering.  Only a day in the hospital.  The surgeon is optimistic that the leg will join this time.  I am unable to take the good pain meds so it's tough but I'm managing.

Something weird happened though.  the whole time i was preparing for the surgery, driving to the hospital, and even in the hospital, I didn't crack a joke or go in upbeat and positive as I had before.  I thought it was due to the severity of the surgery,  but i think it's something else.  My friend took me and is staying with me after.  I have no need or inclination to keep her spirits up - or layout her clothes or prepare her meals or clean the house before so she would be more comfortable.  No need for false positivity to keep up her spirits.  With my xOCPDh even when I was going through some real tough situations like chemo or heart surgery it was always about him.  and he would turn his lackluster caretaking into poor me all about me look at my poor wife and everything I'm doing for her.  This time I focused on me; understanding and asking questions like I had before; which I managed it all before and he was along for the ride. 

Last night I slept in my bed, I didn't have to worry about him bumping me or watching me hobble to the bathroom and make a comment that would undercut my victory of walking five steps with a walker.  Which I did do last and I felt l should be awarded a gold medal.

This feels like how most people go through surgery.  It's weird.  Ok but weird.

[1footouttadefog]

I will pray for your continued healing and recovery.

I am glad you are not pretending it's all great.  Surgery hurts, it's exhausting to be in pain and you should not have to concentrate on the crap from a PD, when it takes all you ha e to walk five steps. 

I hope you heal faster than you though possible.  Maybe the fact you can take care of you I stead of a man child this time will help.  Stay strong you've got this and your life will resume and your plans and dreams will come true, even if a year or two delayed. 

[SonofThunder]

Wonderful news that the surgeon is very optimistic about your procedure this time and that you are mentally and physically able to focus energies on healing vs your xOCPDh.  Thoughts and prayers continuing for healing success and continued revelations of your freedom. 

Are you able, during this recovery process time, to continue any real planning for your future travels?  If not physically able, are you able to do some anticipatory encouraging daydreaming regarding real future travels, such as pre-exploration destinations on YouTube or Vimeo travel vlogs or reading magazines published in/about your destination areas or nearby areas? 

I personally find these activities not only entertaining, but a healthy mental escape and an energizing, positive approach to the future.  Imo, positivity also helps the body heal. 

SoT