How do I keep exhaustion at bay?

[Associate of Daniel]

It's been an awful week.

I can't be bothered going into detail. Just that uNPD exH has been dishing it out.  I had to get the solicitor involved again.

His abusive bullying, accusations, demands and games are essentially water off a duck's back these days.

I barely read his LOOONG emails. I just skim past the abuse and only respond to the issue at hand.  I usually write just a few sentences to his many pages. And I don't J.A.D.E..

But it's still exhausting.

The constant condescending tone, is I think the hardest to deal with.

It's not nice to be hated. But the hardest part of that is the unfathomable depths of that hatred.  There's no light. No hope. No place for compassion to reside.

The "what now?" and the sometimes dread/fear when the email notification pops up. (I still sometimes get the shakes and have to breathe to calm myself before opening them. And I always check first to see if I'm in a strong enough headspace to deal with whatever is written.)

It's been over 9 years.

Mentally I'm healthy. Physically too.  But the weariness that pervades during the rage section of his abuse cycle! It's exhausting.

Does anyone have any ideas on how to deal with the tiredness?

I practise self care. I barely remember any of the abuse that I skim past when I read the emails. I don't take it in and I don't personalise it.

But I'm so tired.

AOD

[escapingman]

Do you need to respond to his email straight away? Do you need a notification on for them? Can you not setup a folder his emails get straight into, then you only look in it when you are in the right state and ready for a mail being there.

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks, E.M.

I don't know how to set up a seperate folder for his emails or how to have them go straight to that folder.

But it is an email address that is only used by him and his uNPD wife.  And their notifications are on silent. (Then again, my phone's usually on silent anyway.)

I can see the first few lines of the email on the home page and can clear the home page without opening the email.

I do that to most of them - and then forget I've received them a lot of the time! I guess that's a sign of how much I've healed!

I have several email addresses. I leave the app set to one of my other addresses so I don't see his when I open the app unless I manually change to his address.

If I can see from the home page that it's not an urgent matter, I don't read the complete email until I'm ready.  Quite often that's the next day.

And then I don't answer for some days after that.

It's mainly during his rage times that the exhaustion comes on.  That's when the manipulation kicks in and I often have to deal with his deadlines.  ("If you don't reply by xyz date I'll do such and such." Usually a threat that he'll withold ds from visitation or similar.) 

At those times I can't really afford to not respond more quickly to his emails.

I think the tiredness also comes from having to be "shrewd as a serpent, wise as a dove". And having to balance and play my cards strategically.

No conversations with anyone else in my life require so much effort and forethought.  Let's face it, there's no such thing as a conversation with a npd.

If I'm exhausted having to think like that at intermittent times, I guess he's feeling exhausted too, dealing with his thoughts 24/7.  I'm so glad I'm not him!

AOD

[SonofThunder]

AOD,

Im so sorry that having to deal with uNPD exH's communications is so tiring. Now that you have been dealing with these communications for some length of time, do the general topics of his communications typically follow a pattern, although laced with bullying abuse, accusations, demands and games?   

If so, is it also possible that any "shrewd as a serpent, wise as a dove" responses you believe you must provide in a timely manner, are actually similar to past no-JADE, MC, all-business-like responses from the past? 

In my business communications over the decades, dealing with angry, rude, selfish customers who email me, believing that their small, typically late-paying customer account is my #1 customer account lol,  a general topic pattern has developed.  Therefore, so I don't expend a lot of new energy crafting responses to the same type of accusations, I have created email folders of my past responses based on the topics.  When I send my response emails, I bcc myself and then file my carbon-copied email i receive, into the proper topic folder.  Each time I receive one of these new demanding emails, I simply open a similar topic folder and copy/paste my past no-JADE, MC, business-like sentences and apply new names, new dates and other applicable things to turn an old sentence new.  In a short time, i have my calm reply compiled, using my past shrewd and wise writing.  It actually saves me a lot of creative mental energy and time and makes me feel as though I have out-smarted the attempts of the rude customer.

Regarding the out-smarting feeling, I have learned both with my rude business clients and emails from my PDw and PDf, to find a way to turn my no-JADE, well thought-through responses into a game for myself.  When I believe I have intelligently navigated with success through a baiting, abusive communication, i feel victorious.  In fact, whenever one of these communication victories for me go VERY smooth/short, I reward myself in a small way when i have accomplished that difficult communication obstacle course.  I save these small, yet rare rewards for those occasions, and now have found that as time goes forward, my experiences in these communications with my uPD people (and certain customers) are honing my MC, no-JADE skills to a point where these repeat difficult people are starting to shorten their conversations with me, because their past response experiences have been SO bland and as short as possible and may actually be boring.   Haha love it! 

So, any way you turn these periodic communications into a crafty no-JADE, MC game for yourself and using past responses to similar topics, reduce your time and energy and lob very boring, form-like communication response missiles back over the email fence? 

Again so sorry they are currently very energy-draining.  Warm thoughts and prayers of energy coming your way.  😊

SoT

[Poison Ivy]

Good suggestions, SonofThunder. In a somewhat similar vein, it might help to think of these encounters with your ex as challenges that are difficult but survivable, and that every time you get through one, you are being brave and building your resilience.

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks, SoT and Poison Ivy.

I know my uNPD exH cycles. He also flares around birthdays, weddings, holidays etc..  He probably also flares at other things going on in his life that I'm not aware of. (Work stress maybe, or him being unwell or something.)

But because we don't live together or see each other it's hard to find a pattern.

I often don't respond to his emails as they're just him ranting and are not anything to do with Ds's arrangements or care.

Eg:  2 weeks ago he sent an angry email because I'd been texting Ds seeking his help with an issue I was having with our computer. Ds was at uNPD exH's place and he's uncomfortable talking on the phone to me while he's there, so texting was the way and of course it took longer.

I did not reply to that email.

In the ones I have to respond to (eg:  when he's threatening to not release ds15 into his court ordered time with me) there's no pattern as such.  Just all the tactics: projection, gaslighting, manipulation, false accusations, rewriting history, demands, word salad, deadlines etc.  Also the "please explains" and his feelings equalling "facts" etc.

I have my B.I.F.F. responses down pretty well and I don't J.A.D.E.. Any of the few explanations I give are very minimal as I know they'll be used against me either then or later.

SoT, I like your idea of filing some standard answers for later use.

I often do use old email exchanges for ideas on what to write for the latest drama.  And I'll often "copy paste" my previous responses. That is, I physically rewrite them again as I don't know how to copy paste.

I'm pretty hopeless with all things technology so I think I'll use good old pen and paper for recording my previous responses.  It will save me fishing through old emails and seeing all the abuse again too!

The reward idea I like too. I wonder if there's enough chocolate in the world... 🙂

Poison Ivy, your sentiments are right. I am a much stronger person as a result of dealing with the uPDs in my life and I know I'll continue to grow.

I often tell myself that "This too shall pass." as I go through these dramas. UNPD exH will finish the rage part of his latest cycle, or the trigger of the rage will pass, or he'll move on to his next victim.

It's just so exhausting as these things go down.

Anyway, I'm feeling a lot better as it's the weekend and I have my boy with me. I've had some sleep, I survived last week and I don't have Covid.

It's also my birthday today and I'm very glad to be spending it alone with my boy and going nowhere and essentially doing nothing. Bliss!

Thanks again.

AOD

[Poison Ivy]

Happy birthday! I hope you have a good day.

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks, Poison Ivy.

So far it's wonderful.  I have a beautiful ds!

AOD

[SonofThunder]

Happy Birthday AOD!   Enjoy the time with your DS!

SoT

[1footouttadefog]

If you don't have to read these emails then don't.

You can set boundaries, reply to the email with a quote stating it's too long and you refuse to read the abuse and that he needs to address the topic of concern briefly.  Restate that you have not and will not read the email in its current form.

Don't allow him this space in your head.  Don't allow this vile garbage in your life.  He does not hate you he hates himself and life and you are an emotional dumping ground he uses to free himself of feelings of quilt, shame, inadequacy and self hatred.

When you are no longer available for this he will find another dumping ground. 

Don't own his comments.  Don't respect his opinions of and about you.  These are insane ramblings iof a mentally ill chemically imbalanced brain.

If a homeless stranger came up and called you names and ranted angrily at you you might feel concerned for your physical well being but you would not be emotionally impacted by the statements. 

I would concentrate on the difference.  Asking myself why the ex still has power over me emotionally and If I was believing that the false self he showed in the beginning still exists.  I would focus on my own side of being triggered and ponder my emotions.  Obviously he is knowledgeable enough to try and trigger your own emotions so maybe dealing with them would make you less vulnerable to him.  You may harbor believes about yourself that are not true.  You are awesome!

As to exhaustion, just take your life back in small bits. Holistically rebuild yourself.  Find social outlets, exercise, do or go see art and music.  Take restful breaks.  Eat fabulous and healthy things even if they are simple.  Use your brain to think deep thoughts, get books or materials from the library, or watch attend a lecture. Attend a church or club other activity or meeting, or a pub. 

Take a day trip or a vacation or just drive a new route and stop in a new shop or bistro.  These things all help me not feel exhausted.  Living a stimulating life helps beat exhaustion and change focus and perspective. 

I personally did these things and  got in a good track then fell back off due to events that occured with my souses health.  I became very tired and have had to push through to get going again.  It's weird it's like the struggles I used to have with getting fit now apply to all aspects of life and I have to really  push myself to live my best life,  then shortly after I am moving along nicely. 

For me being sedentary and overusing the internet and reading low quality news and media inputs are mind numbing distractions that I turn to too easily to tune out the PD nonsense. 

I then realize they are taking up time to rest and live my best life.  I have set a goal to camp or hike twice a month and this motivates me to get more done each day.  I then rest better feeling something is done and that I am accomplishing my goals. Having something to look forward to helps also. 

Last weekend I camped in 25F temps with a group.  We sat and cooked around camp fires and chatted and drank and took nature hikes and played during the day by making a bushcraft shelter and tarp shelters in the woods.  I slept miserably to be honest but I "rested" well.  Came home took a hot bath made lunch for folks then climbed into bed for a Sunday snooze. 

I hope you find a way to rest your self, your whole self.  And don't read those nasty emails. 

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks, 1Foot.

Your camping experience sounds fabulous!

I don't think I'm triggered by anything the uNPD exH writes these days.  If I am it's very rarely.  It's more the weariness of having to deal with him, when I have to deal with him.  A lot of the time his emails don't require a response (and don't get a response from me) as he's just trying to get a rise out of me.  But occasionally I do have to respond as his communications are regarding arrangements for ds15.

Your suggestions of various activities was helpful.  I think I'll make a few more goals for the year. 

1:  Learn a few flute pieces
2:  Learn a few piano pieces
3:  Read 25 books minimum (Continued goal from new year.)
4:  Paint kitchen cupboards

But all of those are solo activities.  I'm currently lying low due to Covid.  I fully expect to contract it any day because there are so many cases in my 6 work places.  I'm fully vaxed but... you know.

AOD

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks for your birthday wishes, everyone!  I had a wonderful day with DS15.  He's beautiful.  I felt very refreshed for the week as a result.

AOD

[1footouttadefog]

There are apps where you can socialize around a topic or hobby or just live stream music to a "room" of participants.  I have seen this type of thing on TikTok even where people are playing music, DJing or cooking or crafting and such.

I meet with a group of folks I know in real life in a Zello group each week.  Some of them were at the camping weekend I mentioned.  The rest were new folks, so a nice mix. 

I also do a meeting with a random group from all over the USA and we talk about food and cooking and stuff like that.  Everyone is amazingly polite and supportive for the most part and the kids boot anyone who's not.  It's such a broad spectrum of demographics in terms of ethnicity and region, and accents and it's amazing how much variety there is in something that seems like an American standard like turkey dressing/stuffing.   

I learned last time that Italians in the NE call spaghetti sauce "gravy".  It's nice to get a message saying they missed me or a reminder in the afternoon the group is meeting that night if I had missed.  It's like a little chosen family gathering for that hour and a half each week.   

I hope your area is past covid soon.  It seems like it's about played out in many regions. 

[Associate of Daniel]

He flared again today.  I think he's getting worse as he gets older.

I think part of my exhaustion is from the constant need to bite my tongue.

I don't have a problem with not J.A.D.E.ing.  it's the need to not lose it and tell him to GROW UP!!!

I'd like to have just one normal conversation with him.  One. One we're he's functioning like a normal 47 year old instead of like a child throwing tantrums and accusing me of A-Z and beyond.

Just one.

AOD