maturity/responsibility

[Pepin]

I have found myself recently pondering my own maturity for my age.  To me, maturity is defined by seemingly age appropriate responsibilities and emotional response.  Having grown up in a highly dysfunctional family system, I was forced to mature early as a coping mechanism.  My DH ultimately had to do the same and as a result we expect that we both will behave from a place of maturity within our relationship to each other.

Where I get hung up is that over the years I think I was very triggered by DPD CN MIL's lack of maturity and that she was ALLOWED to get away with it.  And my reaction to her behavior was also a trigger to NF's past behavior.  She was doing exactly what NF did to me but DH let what she did slide whereas I was not allowed to do this with NF.  I matured early as the result of needing to survive.  DH did the same but was lauded for his efforts.  Mine was just to stay afloat as I received no praise for my maturity.

Recently I posted about DPD CN MIL's passing.  What she left behind is a large indicator of who she really was.  All of her possessions, the way she stored her things in her home and how she just shoved things in drawers with no thought: bank records, health records, taxes, utilities, etc.....reminds me of what I used to be like as a young child who had no direction yet.

I'm often at a loss for knowing that if I did what DPD CN MIL did, I would probably be kicked to the curb in my marriage and even life - I've always had to be accountable for myself.  This has been such a huge trigger for me.  This may be difficult to understand for some reading this as it is difficult for me to convey.  All I know is that she was allowed to be immature and I was not.  And now we have her messes to clean up...

[Poison Ivy]

I think I understand. My ex-husband, although older than me, seems immature in some ways. I think I matured at a relatively "normal" rate; not so him. I got the family house in the divorce 6 years ago, and I have been gradually getting work done on the house, things that my ex didn't want to or was embarrassed to pay someone to do. I think about his continued immaturity regarding such matters whenever they're obvious, for example right now, as workers are performing $20,000 worth of upgrades to a bathroom that my ex basically destroyed.

[pianissimo]

I'm not sure if it has anything common with what you are describing, but I sometimes resent  people who throw tantrums to get what they want, and get away with it. I wonder to myself the point of being polite and considerate. I think this is from my FOO. It felt like I was the well-behaved one in the family, and the sibling was the trouble maker. It would also feel like I would be told off for a brief lapse of judgement, when all he did was causing trouble. Perhaps this is something about the scapegoat role. You do your best to be not scapegoated, while the golden child gets away with all kinds of mischief. I must add that, this was my perception as a child. I don't know if this was really the case, I don't remember how things were back then very well anymore.

[Pepin]

I have been gradually getting work done on the house, things that my ex didn't want to or was embarrassed to pay someone to do. I think about his continued immaturity regarding such matters whenever they're obvious

Yes.  This aligns with DPD CN MIL in that she behaved similarly.  Had ideas maybe about getting things done but didn't want to pay for them.  It wasn't that she couldn't afford it; it was that she didn't know how to go about hiring people to make repairs nor did she understand the cost of possible repairs.  Getting a few bids and asking around was completely out of her reach.  As a result, things began deteriorating around her home and it was a sad living condition.  I was worried that others might see it as her children abusing her for not stepping in and getting stuff done to make her place better.  She also had a difficult time understanding that cheaper was not better and made mistakes.  Many people were available to help her get anything done that she wanted -- it was just that she wanted DH or someone else close to do it for free.  It was very controlling of her because she was unable to recognize that it takes time and also that people like DH are not able to do everything.  DPD CN MIL was extremely narrow minded.

Other moments of immaturity with her included traveling.  It was like have an extra toddler in tow.  She was completely useless and had a very hard time being curious about other areas other than where she lived.  She would always balk at the price of things without understanding that food, hotel and transportation cost more in other areas.  If it wasn't like home or the restaurants she visited around her home, it was too expensive and she would immediately write it off and complain nonstop.  Her way of throwing a tantrum was to keep talking.  It was exhausting. 

[Pepin]

I'm not sure if it has anything common with what you are describing, but I sometimes resent  people who throw tantrums to get what they want, and get away with it. I wonder to myself the point of being polite and considerate. I think this is from my FOO. It felt like I was the well-behaved one in the family, and the sibling was the trouble maker. It would also feel like I would be told off for a brief lapse of judgement, when all he did was causing trouble. Perhaps this is something about the scapegoat role. You do your best to be not scapegoated, while the golden child gets away with all kinds of mischief. I must add that, this was my perception as a child. I don't know if this was really the case, I don't remember how things were back then very well anymore.

Yeah...as the SG in my FOO and also with DPD CN MIL, I feel that I am vigilant when it comes to handling my own stuff.  I don't expect help and I only ask for help when I've exhausted all other possibilities.  I do my research. 

MIL, since she was both covert and helpless, was able to coast under the radar.  Some felt sorry for her; others and myself knew it was an act.  She never really did anything to get herself into trouble because she was cunning to use others to her advantage.  If they did something wrong, then she could call them out and protect herself.

I am reminded today about how DPD CN MIL really never had friends that she hung out with.  I find this odd.  I have friends, DH has friends, and our kids have friends -- and we all fold them into our lives with each other.  I don't keep my friends from DH or my kids. 

In the years that I have known DPD CN MIL, I'm wondering where her friends were?  DH isn't even sure.  One day DH and I went over to visit his grandmother (DPD CN MIL's mother) at her house.  His grandmother also had some of her friends visiting.  DPD CN MIL was sitting on the couch in a way that can only be described as that of a toddler or a doll - the way that their feet don't touch the ground because they are small.  That is how she seemed to me.  It was odd that she was there hanging with these older women rather than women of her own age.  While I get it that we do mingle with other age groups, this was something that DPD CN MIL commonly did because she didn't want to hang with ladies amongst her own peers.  It was kind of an embarrassing moment to witness - kind of the way teens don't really enjoy hanging with their parents -- yet DPD CN MIL had no where else to be.  It was her home or her mother's home.  And I'm like thinking to myself, DPD CN MIL really is odd...I even sensed that DH's grandma was a little unsettled while she was trying to enjoy her own friends.