New Here And Need Others' Perspective

[CatLady25]

Hi all.  I've been reading this forum for many years, and have been able to relate to many of you here.  I really don't know where to begin so I will ask the most pressing question I have at the moment.  Do any of you have a spouse who is physically ill, as well as mentally ill, who constantly talks about killing themselves, not wanting to live, etc.?  When I say constantly, I mean at least every hour from the time he gets up until the time he goes to bed?  The only relief he has is when he's asleep, and thank God he can get some relief then. 

My uPDH has had mental issues since I've known him almost 50 years.  They have exhibited themselves in a variety of ways over the years, and I have somehow dealt with them.  Until the last 8-10 years, I was very codependent with him and tried everything to keep him from dealing with his own pain and issues.  I have been a giant shock absorber for the majority of our time together. 

Through a series of events in the last year and a half he has gotten progressively worse, physically and mentally.  The doctors have been unable to find anything physically wrong with him, and some have said he may have functional neurological disorder, which we both believe he does.  He is almost bed-ridden at this point.  I think, as does he, that his mind has turned against him and made him almost a functional cripple.  All that being said, and I feel awful for saying this, but I think a part of him gets something out of his situation.  He knows that one of my biggest fears has been him dying, and I think a part of him, either consciously or unconsciously, uses that to control me somewhat.  Does that make sense? 

I have learned at this late stage to take care of myself, do things that make me happy, do things with friends, have hobbies, etc.  He seems more than happy for me to do this, but I often wonder if a part of him is angry because he is suffering physically and can't do anything like he used to be able to do.  He used to love to hike, bike ride, work in the garden, etc.  He was very healthy and physically fit until a year and a half ago.  He's always had an issue with anger (not toward me) but anger about other people and the state of the world, neighbors, the environment, a host of things.  His mother was narcissistic and he has a lot of mental illness in his family including his mom, grandmother and grandfather.  His sister also exhibits borderline personality traits.   His mom was an alcoholic and drug addict and was unavailable for him and his sister.  His father was also unavailable as he had a job which took him out of town two weeks out of the month for years until he retired.   His mom tried to kill herself numerous times when he lived at home, and she was institutionalized a few times.  I know he has a lifetime of trauma that has really never been dealt with, and he's been to several counselors and will be going to another one next week.  He likes this guy and has been to him in the past.  He is quite aware of the majority of his issues. 

I have developed many tools to deal with this, many of them on this site.   However, when he starts talking about wanting to end it, even though he doesn't have a plan or a real way to do it, it's crazy-making for me.  I vacillate between anger, fear, grief and sadness and despair.  I've talked to a couple of close friends about some of this, but not about all of it.  It all just feels so complicated. 

Thanks for letting me vent. 

[guitarman]

**** Trigger Warning ****

Welcome. You are not alone.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. For decades she has threatened suicide. She can rage at people projecting all her problems onto them, blaming them for all her issues. She can be so unpredictable and frightening to be around. It seems I have lived with fear, obligation and guilt all my life.

My sister exhibits waif like behaviour. She frequently thinks that she has many life threatening illnesses and can't do much. She thinks she is going to die soon. She either wants to kill herself or thinks she is going to die at any moment. She repeatedly talks about it all the time.

Abusers are all about power and control. I now call her my abuser and that I am her target of abuse.

What matters most is how you are being cared for yourself. Where is the support for you? Who do you turn to for help?

You may like to contact your local carers centre. They should have a mental carers support worker and probably a mental health carers support group as well.

Your husband seems to have had a lifetime of trauma to cope with. It's good to know that he is seeing a counsellor that he trusts.

Observe don't absorb.

I hope that you can see a counsellor as well. You matter as well. Your wellbeing, your physical and mental health are important too.

Let the medical professionals take more responsibility for the care of your husband. You can't do it all.

I know how it is to care for someone 24/7 as I cared for my frail, elderly mother for many years who lived with Alzheimer's disease. She was doubly incontinent and couldn't walk. It can be so stressful. Other people don't realise unless they've been in the same situation themselves.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! How wonderful that you found the courage to share!
You wrote:
...He knows that one of my biggest fears has been him dying, and I think a part of him, either consciously or unconsciously, uses that to control me somewhat.  Does that make sense?...

That makes a lot of sense to me. I knew a woman once who used her depression to terrorize her family. It's called a secondary benefit. The depression was real and everybody tiptoed around her in order to not aggravate her illness. So while your H's problems might be real, he keeps your level of fear high, your hypervigilance going, and the focus of attention on him.

Even though he had a crappy childhood, that does not mean that you can love him to health, you know that of course. The best you can do is look after your own happiness and health, and hope that some of it spills over.

Have you studied the Toolbox? Read some of the books we have on our reading list? 'Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist' by Fjelstad is one book that helped me a lot on my journey out of Co-Dependency.

I am glad you decided to share and look forward to your future posts!

[CatLady25]

Thank you both for your replies.  I have felt guilty posting about my feelings about him while I know he is suffering terribly.  But then, this is Out of the FOG, isn't it?  I'm hoping to have a session with my counselor this morning.  I do work hard at taking care of myself and am much better about it than I was even a few years ago.  It helps to be able to express my thoughts and feelings.  I'm working on taking it a day at a time, and not projecting tomorrow.  Thank you again.

[Justwannalove]

I can relate to many aspects of your situation, we each seem to get our own slightly different version of hell ☹️

Your situation is extremely complicated, and so much needs parsing and dissecting. Maybe I missed it, but I hope you are in therapy.  A big piece for me has been understanding my own history with family members who have various personality disorders, and how that's shaped me to dovetail with my partner in a perfect, but very unhealthy way.

The stress you are under is really toxic. The fear of suicide doubles the toxicity.  It's great that you are taking care of yourself and doing things you enjoy. I think we all have to discover who we really are, outside the shadow of these big personalities that tend to flood the room with their emotions.

Wishing you all the best.

Hang in there!

[CatLady25]

Thank you for your reply.  As much as I try to distance myself emotionally from it all, it does wear me down.  I'm going to be going to therapy in about a week and a half. Finally found a counselor, and I hope she works out for me.

Every single day is the same.  He has some very distressing physical issues that also translate into mental issues.  But from the time he gets up until he goes to bed at night, it's a five-alarm fire.  I'm not exaggerating when I say that.  I know he is upset, shocked with his illnesses, distressed, depressed, etc., but it gets so difficult to listen to somebody say "I need a diagnosis or I'm not going to make it."  Or say, "I can't live like this.  Something better happen soon."   And it's not a few times in the day.  It's over and over and over and over.  He gets up, goes immediately to a chair, and starts holding his head in his hands.  I know he can't help how his illness(es) make him feel and that's why I feel guilty even talking about it. 

The rest of the time he is in bed because of his flu-like symptoms.  We're getting him tested for all sorts of things and hope we can come up with a diagnosis.  He is heartbroken, angry, sad, you name it because just a year and a half ago he was the picture of health.  I get it.  I really do. 

I'm grateful we have no children or grandchildren.  I would not want to put anyone else through this, although going through it by myself is a real challenge sometimes. 

Anyway, I'm off to a neighborhood function for a couple of hours, and will be back to take him to his doctor's appointment.  I'm so glad for the break.

Thank you all again for being here and giving me a safe place to vent my feelings. 

[Happiness_3]

Hey. I find it amusing that despite the differences in age, race, ethnicity etc. they all manage to do the same things in the same ways. My abuser, a healthy young boy in his twenties exhibits the exact same traits your husband does. He would wake up every morning and stare off into nothingness, would speak of death with such fluency, as though it was something to be proud of almost. Something he had befriended a long time ago. Like you, his death would spark such a deep sense of fear in me, I would have night terrors (that he would see, watch me scream and cry in my sleep, and yet continue to do it the next day) and I would beg him to stop speaking of it. Eventually, he did the worst he could, he attempted and blamed me for it claiming I didn't do anything to stop him. It was then I realised, this is him showing me a mock-consequence of what happens when I do something he doesn't want me to do. This is nothing to him except a way to teach me a lesson, this is his ammunition.
I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you to hear the words, but I'll say what the moderators told me: we can't control it, we didn't cause it and we for sure, cannot cure it. All we can do is pray he has luck with his counsellor to get better, and in the meantime I hope you can find a therapist too. Love and luck.