Evening Reflections

[Stillirise]

I’m on a beach getaway right now, with DD11, DS13, and two of their friends.  I spent the day doing some peaceful reflecting by the ocean, after taking inspiration from JKT’s wonderful revelations thread this morning.

First, the fact that I alone, brought 4 kids, and their bikes, on a long drive to the beach, with virtually no drama, pretty much sums up how my life has changed.   I have felt calm, peaceful, and anxiety free—other than a few moments in the car—for the entire trip. I couldn’t imagine even attempting to do something like this with updxh along.

Over the last few months, I have been paying closer attention to my physical health, also.  I feel healthier and stronger than I have in a long time.  More than one friend has commented lately that I seem to be aging in reverse. 

I have officially cleared the hurdle of the 1st post-divorce/post-PD relationship.  It lasted for a few months. There were a lot of positives, but in the end, we were two people, each with a family, in two different places both mentally, and literally.  It was just too much to manage, and we parted without drama.  I can’t say I wasn’t hurt, but I’m not really upset about it.  Since then, I’m battling occasional loneliness, but I’m being really careful not to let that get me sucked into anything with red flags.  Watching families on the beach this week has made me feel a small twinge of self-pity at times.  Then, I notice the families, where seems obvious the spouses don’t like each other, and I’m over it.

I feel like I’ve become much more attuned to the way my FOO operates, and my role in it.  As my mother is aging, I can see that my role there is likely going to change too.  I’ve noticed that she, and my brother, seem to question at times, if I’m capable of handling things, now that I’m “alone.”  I believe it comes from a genuine place of concern, and they mean well, so I’m doing my best not to feel offended by it.  I have also come to understand that my mom made different choices than I have, and is in a totally different place in life. It may be hard for her to relate at times. 

As far as career, I still have some work to do there.  I basically set aside any big career moves, between the divorce and COVID. The children needed me more.  I have a couple sources of income, and my schedule is flexible.  I still have some catching up to do to get to where I want to be, financially, but I’m managing.  We are far from starving, although it has been a bit of a downshift.  I have finally given myself the grace to be ok with that for now.  The kids haven’t seemed to notice the changes, or it hasn’t bothered them enough to say anything.  (No one complained that we drove to the beach, instead of flying.)  I’m in my late 40’s, so, hopefully, I’ve still got a few years to catch back up.

The children seem to be doing well. There’s still the uneasiness with DS and his F, but I feel like they’ve found their common ground for now. I still let DS vent about his F, as long as he isn’t being disrespectful, and I don’t try to sugar coat things, when he’s just calling it like he sees it. DS mentions often how much better things are for him now.  DD doesn’t like to acknowledge that outright, but has stopped protesting when DS does.  She seems to quietly accept that he’s probably right—and that’s ok. I’m still not proud or happy that I had to split up our family, to make it functional, so I can’t expect her to be happy about it, either.

So all in all, I feel good about my comeback.  Other than finding my footing again career-wise, and the occasional pangs of loneliness, I can’t think of how things could be much better right now.  I’ve always had an uncomfortable feeling when things were going well—wondering when it would come crashing down. I realize now that’s been a trauma response.  I’m just trying my best to soak in the good right now, and not worry about it.

Thanks for reading, and for your support and inspiration. I hope this gives someone else the courage to keep moving Out of the FOG.

[blunk]

Stillirise, I was so happy to read this post. It's an amazing feeling to just enjoy a trip without drama. It doesn't matter that you drove instead of flying, obviously the kids aren't bothered by that. I imagine they are psyched to have friends along.

Though I'm sorry your new relationship ended, it sounds like it was mutual and amicable. A reminder that there are mentally healthy adults out there.

I  wish you well in your career going forward, and in all areas of your life.

[Stillirise]

Thank you, Blunk. We made it home, and all went well with the trip. That really is a great feeling!  Meanwhile, updxh suffered a somewhat serious health crisis while we were away. Essentially, his lifestyle managed to catch up to him.  I took the kids to visit him at the hospital, and explained that if he follows the recommended plan, he will recover. I've been in contact with members of his FOO, who are health care providers themselves, and are acting as his advocates.  I'm glad he has a support system in place.  Hopefully this will act as a wake-up call to him.  I feel like my place in this is to be supportive of his recovery from a distance, and help the kids manage their feelings about it.

It's uncanny how when dealing with a person w/ PD, you can feel like you know what's coming, but then somehow still be blindsided when it does! I've said for years that the rage, drinking, etc would have to eventually take its toll. Here we are. In the end, he's still my children's dad. I do, even after everything, have his best interest at heart.

[SonofThunder]

Stillrise,

So glad you had a great vacation.  You wrote: "I do, even after everything, have his best interest at heart."

In order to deal with multiple PD people in my life, i had to define 'love'.  Below is my definition that i use to guide myself with all things, PD or not.

Love:  Desiring and potentially assisting to facilitate what is 'most beneficial' for another person(s), animal(s), situation(s) or thing(s). Imo, what is 'most beneficial' is based on adherence to moral foundations found both inside humans, but also from outside the self by foundational doctrine(s) of each human's choice. 

I believe your quoted sentence fits very well into my definition and I believe that it is actionable proof that you are indeed a 'loving' human being.  Its a joy to have loving human beings as comrades at Out of the FOG. 

SoT

[Stillirise]

Love:  Desiring and potentially assisting to facilitate what is 'most beneficial' for another person(s), animal(s), situation(s) or thing(s). Imo, what is 'most beneficial' is based on adherence to moral foundations found both inside humans, but also from outside the self by foundational doctrine(s) of each human's choice. 

I believe your quoted sentence fits very well into my definition and I believe that it is actionable proof that you are indeed a 'loving' human being.  Its a joy to have loving human beings as comrades at Out of the FOG. 

SoT

Thank you, SoT.  I owe much of my healing to the folks here on this forum.  I must admit, it is much easier to hold space for empathy, when I'm no longer the daily target of crazy-making PD behaviors!

I've mentioned this before, but a close mentor of mine told me once in regard to dealing with a difficult person her her life, "I have room for him in my heart, but I no longer have room for him in my life."  I have tried to keep that sentiment with me ever since.

[SonofThunder]

Love:  Desiring and potentially assisting to facilitate what is 'most beneficial' for another person(s), animal(s), situation(s) or thing(s). Imo, what is 'most beneficial' is based on adherence to moral foundations found both inside humans, but also from outside the self by foundational doctrine(s) of each human's choice. 

I believe your quoted sentence fits very well into my definition and I believe that it is actionable proof that you are indeed a 'loving' human being.  Its a joy to have loving human beings as comrades at Out of the FOG. 

SoT

Thank you, SoT.  I owe much of my healing to the folks here on this forum.  I must admit, it is much easier to hold space for empathy, when I'm no longer the daily target of crazy-making PD behaviors!

I've mentioned this before, but a close mentor of mine told me once in regard to dealing with a difficult person her her life, "I have room for him in my heart, but I no longer have room for him in my life."  I have tried to keep that sentiment with me ever since.

This is excellent!

[JustKeepTrying]

I love your mentor's adage.  I will keep that one in my memory bank.

I am so happy for you.  To see such resilience is encouraging and beautiful!