Long talk with Dad

[Liketheducks]

Dad recently had a stroke, while I was in the midst of overseas travel AND moving my kiddo into college.   Thankfully, at the time....nothing was expected of me.   I just was supportive via text message.   Very low stakes.   My brothers DID visit him while I was away.   I'm pretty certain that our relationship is just going to be an over-the-phone thing.   It feels safest for me.

I know he's back at home now.   It's clear that he's not all there.  He was having some difficulty remembering what he had just said 3 minutes before, etc.

My relationship with him changed during covid....as he reached out to me to apologize and try to reconcile.   Our reconciliation is basically from afar.....he's still not someone I need really in my head.   He's my father, but I'll never have the "Dad" that I needed or deserved.    So when we spoke yesterday, my go to is just keep things light and positive.   But, I'm not getting vulnerable with him at all.    And, he's masking super well with me.   I'll take that.   

I can talk with him....but LAWD he'll never change.   Yesterday, he told me that the Air Force had paid him to attend the same college that our son attends for the same degree program -aerospace engineer.   Uh....nope.   Dad never attended college.    Said he was exposed to agent orange....nope not true.    Told me that he was stationed in Vietnam and was a fighter pilot.....again untrue.    (He lost his pilots license when he landed my grandfather's single engine plane in a tree while drunk).   There was this WHOLE fictionalized account of my early years.   It was sad to hear.   I didn't argue facts with him.   But, massive tall tales.   I didn't lose anything by pretending what he said was true.  Actually, had a little chuckle when we hung up.   

I'm going to take that as a win.    He didn't trigger me at all.   Now, I need to work on that with my Mom. 

[TimetoHeal]

Good for you!  That does sound like a win.  It's sort of like when you have a parent with dementia, and you just go along with them when they say it's 1946 and Truman is the president.  It's easier when you know something is actually wrong with their brain (other than PD) and they really maybe can't help it.  I wish I could do that with my mom ,but she still very much knows what she's doing. 

[moglow]

That whole lack of trigger is huge, isn't it?! Things that once would have sent us spinning are just Oh well. And we carry on. Realizing he has those old stories in his mind and for whatever reason they're real for him - and he felt the need to share them [yet again]. Funny and sad at the same time, the things that stick with us.

[Liketheducks]

I have to laugh.....  Clearly his brain is healing, because these grandiose lies are his "normal".   He did drop a "please thank your brother for visiting while I was sick" voice mail.   1. You can thank him yourself.   and 2. Nope, I'm not going to be available anytime soon for a visit. 

It's "nice" to know that some things never change.   I'm just grateful to be able to see them for what they are with him. 

NOW, I can do that with my mom....but she is so much more triggering for me.   I guess, because she installed those triggers.

[moglow]

"Please thank your brother ..." 


That uninstall is harsh, I know, and so worth it when we can figure it out. My first instinct/reaction with md was always to respond because that's what I was trained to do - I HAD to respond to "answer me!" right that minute or there'd be hell to pay. If/when I gave myself time to think it all the way through, my response was usually very different. My older brother said he'd much rather text md so he doesn't have to hear her voice [!] but for me the immediacy allowed me too much room to pop off a reaction [as trained] rather than just stop right there.