Documenting Sib's Online Behavior

[PeaceIsPeace]

My sister very likely has an undiagnosed personality disorder. I've gotten feedback from my therapist that she has narcissistic traits, which I had suspected.

Long story, as these things are. I could write a novella, but I'll hit a few highlights.

I haven't had a relationship with her for years after setting a very clear boundary, yet experiencing a particularly aggressive and manipulative series of communications from her. One by one, my siblings had similar encounters and have all gone NC with her.

Years ago, she told me she'd created an alter ego online where she shared a lot of religious content. She said she didn't tell others in the family because they'd never believe her. While I respect anyone's spiritual expression, I know this was primarily an attention-seeking endeavor. Previously, she'd gotten caught doing something awful, which was known throughout our whole family, so she adopted this religious persona to reinvent herself as a good person. No, we'd never buy her sudden conversion experience. I didn't believe her and found it disturbing that she was playing super religious online to people who don't know her at all. But it was generally not much of an issue.

That all changed about a year ago when she started claiming to be ill online. She may have had a minor health issue and communicated some mild, resolved symptoms at first, which she documented online. However, her symptoms and story have grown and changed dramatically over time. She now acts like that minor health issue almost killed her. Unfortunately, she's hooked into a community and gotten tons of sympathy, support, and validation. {Not characterizing communities that support individuals with illnesses as bad. Her deceptive behavior is bad, and people she affiliates with don't know her and give her the reinforcement and "supply" she craves.}

So her story keeps getting bigger and more elaborate as she tells more and more lies. She's been doctor shopping and going to online doctors who simply tell her what she wants to hear, give her prescriptions, and never do a full examination. She's gotten tons of medical tests and claims she's scheduled for a surgery. She attacks anyone who challenges her and complains that she's being "censored" and "canceled."

So...my siblings and I are documenting as much as we can and planning to send some documentation to others in our family. She's showing very clear signs of emotional illness online by creating a false persona and an elaborate illness story.

Some of what she is doing is like the interpersonal manipulation, lying, and gaslighting she's done to us--mostly verbally of course, so impossible to validate. I suspect she'll get some challenges about her behavior from family members and try to spin this to make it about us. But everything we're sharing is her words. We're just bringing them to light so that others can be aware.

Of course, we can't compel her to get appropriate treatment or a diagnosis. We think it is beneficial to have a documentation trail since she is documenting her behavior patterns in writing, video, and audio. It may not make a difference now. But as time goes on, she'll continue to resist proper diagnosis and treatment and only get worse. Our family will have documentation that this is a pattern that's gone on over time.

Anyway, while I know this is the best way forward, I'm nervous. I've been her #1 scapegoat for years. She's had an all-out smear campaign against me and turned people against me. Now we're exposing her and challenging her carefully-curated source of public supply. She'll just double down and go deeper into her rabbit hole. I'm SO grateful my siblings are all on board with this, as it's been such a hard journey.

[Starboard Song]

Buckle up!

It sounds like you are doing the right thing, and you are well aware of the challenges. The nice thing is that folks like this usually have a hard time persuading people with their smear campaigns. I think the usual route is you get painted as part of the crazy.

Professional relationships are most fragile: I went straight to my HR department when our crisis hit, to explain the nature of things and that they may receive communications or even a visit from my MIL. I would encourage you to consider giving such notice at work, while being very clear you are not aware of any threat of violence.

With everyone else, I'd not say a word until necessary, and then say as little as possible. I didn't want us to be a part of the story.

Good luck to you.

Welcome to Out of the FOG.

[PeaceIsPeace]

Thanks for the insights and the welcome!

The good and bad news is that I've already been the subject of a massive intra-family smear campaign. Yes, of course, everyone heard that I am the batsh*t crazy one. Well, yes, some people may believe that still but whatever. She's now going to have to say that all five of her siblings are batsh*t crazy, and she is the only sane one. Hard to believe that one, isn't it?

We actually exposed some of her b.s. to her family last year. Well, long story, but she kinda brought it on herself, and we did exactly what she knew we would do. She underestimates us.

Work isn't an issue actually (I freelance + she wouldn't be able to track any of my clients down), but I've thought about calling the police to give them a head's up that they could get a random welfare check from someone who hasn't seen me or heard from me in (*checks notes*) over five years. Maybe kids' school, although they don't tolerate much nonsense (they actually know we have a history of crazy family stuff). Last year she went to a former in-law (long story), but I have effectively shut that down. She can talk to that person but they won't be a flying monkey.

My draft letter about all this to family actually says that I assume she'll retaliate and say false and negative things about me because she's done that before, and if she does...well, I called it.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi and welcome. Faking illness or religious belief in this prolonged and aggressive manner is really disturbing. My mother, father, and sister have all shown some of these behaviors in the past. It makes me sick to think of other people buying into it.

You write: "I suspect she'll get some challenges about her behavior from family members and try to spin this to make it about us. But everything we're sharing is her words. We're just bringing them to light so that others can be aware."

Not knowing anything other than what you wrote here, of course, I wonder why it's so important for you and your siblings to be the ones to blow the whistle on her. I can only tell you that in my experience, people will start to connect the dots on their own over time. They will notice that she is only ill when it suits her purposes, or that she actually seems to enjoy her suffering, or that she talks about illness incessantly, or whatever else is off about her behavior, and start to distance themselves. Or they will develop their own relationship with you and your sister's behavior will be simply irrelevant.

It is entirely likely that you would be fueling the fire. If your sister is as you describe, you are likely right that she will only double down when you challenge her narrative. As a general principle, it does no good to directly challenge someone's delusions. It will be seen as a declaration of war. And even that can be a huge source of supply! Your sister is already getting off on having other people think she's suffering from illness, and now she's suffering from her terrible family who doesn't even believe her and calls her a liar!!! Oddly enough your involvement may actually work for her.

And I ask you, do you REALLY need that chaos in your life? You went NC to get away from this sort of thing. It's curious to me that you are all NC and yet you are following her closely enough to make documenting all this a priority.

[xredshoesx]

from what you shared peaceispeace, is it possible she could be involved in fraudulent activities with the online personna?

i ask bc my biological mother is both an emotional and financial vampire.  fraud is her specialty.  tread carefully.  i know it's hard to avoid that want/ need to clear yourself and expose the truth but sometimes the safest option is to let go and let the people who get paid to do all that figure it out. 

[PeaceIsPeace]

And I ask you, do you REALLY need that chaos in your life? You went NC to get away from this sort of thing. It's curious to me that you are all NC and yet you are following her closely enough to make documenting all this a priority.

Thanks for your thoughts. I hear you and agree with much of what you said.

My siblings had no idea about the fake persona until last year. I was the only one who knew. One of my brothers discovered a new account with her new illness stuff late last year. We looked and laughed and went back to ignoring her. 

Not going to cover everything here, but there's some bigger picture family stuff going on that affects all of us. Unfortunately, the chaos has resurfaced as a result, like it or not. Because of that, we decided to check out the latest round of online shenanigans.

Now I have no idea if she is ill. But the way she communicates about her symptoms seems like she should be heading to the emergency room every other day. She should at least be under the care of a qualified specialist, not doctor shopping online. 

One of the big right-now motivators is that she's dropped a few hints about suicidal ideation. Honestly, we think it's probably just another attention-seeking attempt. But I lost someone to suicide who made vague hints and walked them back. As much as I have very valid frustrations with her and zero interest in a relationship with her, I can't sit on this. After that loss, I promised myself I'd never dismiss hints of suicidal ideation no matter how minor or vague.

I'm sitting on it long enough to make sure we've secured records of her accounts in case she decides to blow them up or block them. I've been on this NPD train a long time and did the icky divorce/custody thing with my probable uNPD/BPD ex-husband. I learned to document all the things.

Actually, you've given me good food for thought. Since we're getting records of her accounts, I may not need to share some examples of her content. I'd originally thought that would be a good way to create an audit trail.

I'm not saying she isn't ill, just that she appears to have very serious symptoms and needs appropriate care. I'm not going to suggest she's faking it because I honestly have no idea. And I'm planning to send it to her two adult sons and one other person who engages with her. Because if she's seriously physically or emotionally unwell, they need to know and decide whether to do something or not. My siblings and I are out of the picture.

Most likely, they won't. It's the family way. She's been the same person pulling the same shenanigans for as long as I can remember. But she's getting older and it's going to get worse. I want her sons to have a documentation trail of her behaviors and potential (probable) undiagnosed mental illness because they're the ones who are going to be on the frontlines dealing with it. 

I sincerely think the right professional (probably a forensic psychiatrist) could detect the NPD patterns in her communication. Both my ex and my sister could not handle being ignored and keep emailing, texting, and leaving voicemails. Now she has her voluminous online thing. And she's even done interviews! She may be able to gaslight people verbally, but she's exposed herself.

[PeaceIsPeace]

from what you shared peaceispeace, is it possible she could be involved in fraudulent activities with the online personna?

i ask bc my biological mother is both an emotional and financial vampire.  fraud is her specialty.  tread carefully.  i know it's hard to avoid that want/ need to clear yourself and expose the truth but sometimes the safest option is to let go and let the people who get paid to do all that figure it out. 

She is an emotional and financial vampire for sure. She does seem to be hinting at blaming a pharmaceutical company for her purported issues but I think she'd fail miserably if she tried anything there. I'm not super concerned about that but you raise a good point. She may be living off in her illness land and spewing blame but deep down I know she knows she'd never be able to pull anything off. She can delude herself and others, but she's not dumb.

It's another reason why I'm documenting things, just in case she tries that. That was my other (nice, normal, non-PD) sister's assumption when she first glanced at the online stuff. Angling for a payout.