Does she have my best interest at heart.

[sunshine702]

I was reading some of your stories here and there was one about the Narc mom being very upset the daughter was getting out of an abusive relationship and wanted her to suffer and the sibling not to lend money.

It was an ahh ha moment for me.

MY NARC MOM DOES NOT HAVE MY BEST INTEREST AT HEART. 

Culturally - We all assume that parents do but Personality Disordered and other abusers DO NOT.  They serve themselves If the kid lines up then good but if they don't they don't care.  There is no unconditional love and support.  They are not interested in what I care about or what I think about topic XYZ or ever follow up unless it affects  her


This realization really made the idea of no contact easier.  I want the best for my beloved dogs.  Always.  But some people just don't care about the animal.  That is my mom and me.   Wow  Before I was considering Grey Rock and Boundaries and VLC but now I can finally really consider Nc.  She does. Not have my best  interest at heart. As an adult I can choose relationships. 

[mimzy]

I was reading some of your stories here and there was one about the Narc mom being very upset the daughter was getting out of an abusive relationship and wanted her to suffer and the sibling not to lend money.

It was an ahh ha moment for me.

MY NARC MOM DOES NOT HAVE MY BEST INTEREST AT HEART. 

Culturally - We all assume that parents do but Personality Disordered and other abusers DO NOT.  They serve themselves If the kid lines up then good but if they don't they don't care.  There is no unconditional love and support.  They are not interested in what I care about or what I think about topic XYZ or ever follow up unless it affects  her


This realization really made the idea of no contact easier.  I want the best for my beloved dogs.  Always.  But some people just don't care about the animal.  That is my mom and me.   Wow  Before I was considering Grey Rock and Boundaries and VLC but now I can finally really consider Nc.  She does. Not have my best  interest at heart. As an adult I can choose relationships.

Exactly. And the most horrible thing about what you describe is that we children grow up in that environment and think it's NORMAL. We have no idea we are worthy of saying yes, no or drawing boundaries. They really do brainwash us. But when my mother would be nice to me, I'd think that cancelled out the times when she was horrible to me. I would think "I could take it"because I was given this morsel of goodness. I'm so sorry for all of us.

[olivegirl]

I'm the poster with the uBpd mom & UNpd elderly parents who didn't want my sister leaving an abusive r/ship bc they felt it negatively affected their lives.

I think the worst part of having toxic parents who do not have your best interest at heart is that we gaslight ourselves.

I, for the longest time, engage in magical thinking that deep down my parents really love me. 

This is something that is really hard for me to let go bc I love my parents who actually hate me, resent me, sabotage me, lie to me and have smeared me and meddled in other relationships.

And I struggle with No Contact bc my parents say the "right" things:
"We are so sorry, we had no idea"
"We did the best we could and love you"
"We love our grandkids so much"
"So you want nothing to do with us, you don't love us anymore?"
"Of course we love you, we are not perfect but we want the best for you!"

They say the words.  They know better. 

But when the time comes, they repeatedly trip me up.  Every single time.  To the point that when a person betrays me, I do not see that as a red flag and that has caused me problems.

Currently, I am NC for 2 months.

My aging parents want me to bankroll their retirement and/or take them in.  In addition to hurting me financially, it would destroy my marriage and my sanity. 

I have to stay NC to protect my life.

[Pinkos]

Recently I was listening to a podcast where the host was talking about how parents need to invest/sacrifice for their kids and how that investment will pay dividends later. He was talking about how even though he's in his 50s now he knows that his mother would take a bullet for him. And how he has spent the last 20 years taking care of her financially in her old age. She worked 2 jobs to take care of him and his brother when his parents divorced and now he says he makes sure she's living the good life. He talked about how his brother was breaking his back to take care of their father before their father passed away.

Before I knew it I had tears streaming down my face. The first thought that entered my mind was, "yeah my mom would put ME in front of a bullet to protect herself." The kind of relationship he's talking about is what I've desperately wanted with my parents. I remember once I suggested to my mother that they invest in us (their kids) by selling a house they own in our home country and using the money to help us buy homes here and she thought it was the most ridiculous thing she'd ever heard. She didn't just say no and give reasons why they didn't want to do that, which would've been fine. Her response was more along the lines of communicating that we weren't worth investing in. But prior to that she had been subtly trying to manipulate me into giving her $10k so she can furnish the same house. In their eyes, it's OK for us to drain ourselves emotionally and financially for their benefit. It's a one way street!

[donutmoonpanda]

"And the most horrible thing about what you describe is that we children grow up in that environment and think it's NORMAL. " - mimzy

Ugh mimzy, I had to get to that line before it hit me. I read everything sunshine said and it was just a matter of fact to me. I think I know what's normal now, but there's so much I still don't understand. The experience of having normal, loving, supportive parents will always be a total mystery. I'd understand living on Mars better. I understand that other people didn't grow up in an emotional wasteland, but it's hard to imagine what the opposite of that is.

It is difficult to be no contact when the PD parent knows what to say. They simply say the opposite of the truth and we've been trained to believe it. That's why I never declared NC. I never had a talk with them. I just walked away.

[JustKathy]

It is difficult to be no contact when the PD parent knows what to say. They simply say the opposite of the truth and we've been trained to believe it. That's why I never declared NC. I never had a talk with them. I just walked away.

Same here, panda. I knew that trying to talk to them would have been a giant waste of my time. There's no way to have a rational discussion with these people. Their personality disorder won't allow for civil discussion or any admission of wrongdoing. The only thing you'll get from them is a lot of gaslighting and shouting matches about how they're the victim.

My mother abused me for 45 years before I went NC. She knew what she had done. I didn't need to spell it out for her. She knew why I walked away.

[olivegirl]

Talking to my uBpd mother about her malicious behavior is just pure Grade A fuel. 

I have noticed her cackling with glee when I describe the anguish and deep pain due to her meddling and bad-mouthing of me.

UBpd mother gets to feel superior and responds with "I'm tired of your never-ending drama.  You are just miserable and misery loves company.  You always blame me for your problems!  Stop bullying me!"

And so her haughtiness amid the gaslighting and DARVO-ing me is then pivoted to playing the victim!  Queen/Witch straight to Waif.

Cue my very insecure uNpd father who worships my mother and just enables her and is eager to win bonus points with her by raging at me for attacking his beloved wife!!  He will berate me for bullying her.  And my mother will tell my father that I am incredibly jealous of her and of their relationship!  The projection!

This just makes my uBpd mother all the more smug and feeling superior. 

I tried so many boundaries.  The medium chill, info diet, gray rock, very very very low contact.  Nothing works.  Nothing. 

UBpd mother's favorite phrase is "to be happy is to be crazy."  I see that she is extremely malignantly depressed and  there is no way I can rescue her and the only way to save myself and protect my marriage and my sanity is complete No Contact. 

I'm no longer gaslighting myself that she loves me in her own way.  Bc she does not love herself and therefore lacks the capacity to love and is in great inner pain. 

When I get very anxious and upset about who my parents are, I remind myself that I could be just like her and the fact that I am kind and empathetic and the ability to self-reflect and take ownership of my stuff calms me and reassures me greatly.  I never want to be like them. 

[blacksheep7]

Sunshine702,

I'm sorry.  Sometimes we have to make that difficult or otherwise easy decision of going nc, knowing that it is the only way to protect our mental health and Happiness.   

No they don't have our best interest at heart, only their own. 

Talking to my uBpd mother about her malicious behavior is just pure Grade A fuel. 

I have noticed her cackling with glee when I describe the anguish and deep pain due to her meddling and bad-mouthing of me.

UBpd mother gets to feel superior and responds with "I'm tired of your never-ending drama.  You are just miserable and misery loves company.  You always blame me for your problems!  Stop bullying me!"

And so her haughtiness amid the gaslighting and DARVO-ing me is then pivoted to playing the victim!  Queen/Witch straight to Waif.

Cue my very insecure uNpd father who worships my mother and just enables her and is eager to win bonus points with her by raging at me for attacking his beloved wife!!  He will berate me for bullying her.  And my mother will tell my father that I am incredibly jealous of her and of their relationship!  The projection!

This just makes my uBpd mother all the more smug and feeling superior. 

I tried so many boundaries.  The medium chill, info diet, gray rock, very very very low contact.  Nothing works.  Nothing. 

UBpd mother's favorite phrase is "to be happy is to be crazy."  I see that she is extremely malignantly depressed and  there is no way I can rescue her and the only way to save myself and protect my marriage and my sanity is complete No Contact. 

I'm no longer gaslighting myself that she loves me in her own way.  Bc she does not love herself and therefore lacks the capacity to love and is in great inner pain. 

When I get very anxious and upset about who my parents are, I remind myself that I could be just like her and the fact that I am kind and empathetic and the ability to self-reflect and take ownership of my stuff calms me and reassures me greatly.  I never want to be like them.

[moglow]

Sunshine, you're absolutely correct: As an adult we all can choose our relationships. I had to step back and look at it, ask myself if this feeds me or depletes me. Rhetorical question really, knowing how many times and in different ways mommie dearest has not only pushed me down and away, but stepped on and made bad situations worse. She failed to provide any softer path or gentle approach, everything was a confrontation or meltdown. After so long with it, I had to truly ask myself who was being served by my efforts. No one.

[TimetoHeal]

This is maybe the most difficult truth for us to come to terms with.  We 'sort of' understand that they are deeply hurt people with a personality disorder, but we want, so desperately to believe that they are doing their best and really do love us deep down.  The truth is that they aren't and they don't, and that is a bitter pill to swallow.  Because if even our own mothers don't love us, how can we possibly be lovable?

I am reading, "Mothers Who Can't Love" but Susan Froward, and she makes this point just how you phrased it:  She does NOT have your best interests at heart.  She has HER best interests at heart.  It was shocking the first time I read it and I'm not sure I believed it the first time.  I'm rereading it now, and I think it has finally sunk in.