My children do not compromise

[Prototypian]

Perhaps it is too far gone.   My wife is u OCPD and is one of the violent ones with severe anger and emotion outbursts at any sign of unfairness or perception of non-rule following.   I have to mitigate and walk delicate lines with all of my children and I see them going out in the world as angry and inflexible people.   Today we were discussing the trip to my mother's home with the kids cousins over Easter.   This year our schools have lost good Friday because of previous bad weather days that were used during ice storms.   It happens.   The drive is 6 hours each way and we aold need to leave after school Friday, ger in late then leave Sunday after family activities.   My son is an elite track racer and the weekend is bracketed by the district and then area meets on prior and subsequent weekends.   His preference is to not go.  The younger daughters preference is to go.  But both have decided that not only is this the end of their world of they don't get their way there is absolutely no discussion even allowed; if they hear any consideration of pros and cons for the opposing view they get violently angry screaming at us and threatening.   

I find myself aleays trying to be the peacemaker.   Something as simply as "hey, would y'all like to stop for an ice cream on the way home from school?" Can have one wanting to go .and the other not and the one that does not will go into a rage over the time it is taking to drive through somewhere.   It's beyond spoiled, it's irrational inflexible violent anger.   I don't know what to say to feel better about this.   It happens so often whether it's the kind of marinade on grilled chicken to who does the most work emptying the dishwasher.  The world must be 100 percent fair and equitable and there will be no compromise.   I'm exhausted mediating it and I never grew up like this.  It's bizarre to me.

[Call Me Cordelia]

It's not all that bizarre that your children would repeat what they've known.

Does your mediation actually help? I mean there will be the next meal, the next day's activities, always something else to negotiate and battle for control over as long as you are together as a family or as siblings.

" I have to mitigate and walk delicate lines ..."

What if you didn't?

We're dealing with some of this behavior with my kids right now, truth be told. Granted, mine are ages 7-11, and they don't have a parent modeling this behavior. I folded four more shirts than her, she took the biggest cookie, it's not fair! With petty dramas, I acknowledge the feeling and the reality that life is not in fact fair. But we want our family to be as generous to each other as we can be. Sometimes one person does a little more, sometimes another. It all balances out. And we all have enough. Thank you for doing that little bit extra this time. You can choose to whine you didn't get the biggest cookie or be grateful you have a cookie. Would you rather be resentful or grateful? They pick grateful every time. If they didn't that would be too bad but I refuse to listen to further complaints. They do not have the right to make life unpleasant for the entire family.

[BeautifulCrazy]

 oooooooou I have all kinds of thoughts about this post!
One of them is that I am grateful not to be with my OCPDh anymore because I suspect this is what my life could have been like if I had stayed.

I remember that when I lived with my parents, they made most of the major decisions about trips to visit family including who attended, or did not attend, without any input from us kids. (I did not grow up in a PD family)

I'm just going to give you my personal parenting opinions. Maybe it will spark something for you. Feel free to ignore any or all of it. I don't live with my PD anymore so I have the luxury of parenting exactly as I choose! I understand your circumstances are completely different from mine. I also recognize that there are as many ways to parent as there are parents, and I see lots of styles that seem successful, although they differ from mine. Parenting has got to be the most difficult and most rewarding job on the planet!!

In my opinion, as you are a rational adult and head of the household, Jsinjin, it would not be unusual or unfair for you to simply tell the kids what the plans are and not entertain any further discussion. Particularly if it is not being conducted respectfully.
My approach in my own home is that, although I value their input and opinions and encourage independence, I don't run every decision past my teens. Sometimes that includes stopping for ice cream on the way home, and definitely includes holiday weekend plans.
My thinking is, as the parent, I can choose for everyone to stop for ice cream on the way home if I feel so inclined. If one of the kids doesn't want any ice cream, that's fine. They all have the freedom to choose if they are going to partake. They all have the freedom to choose their menu items. Naturally, if someone has a compelling reason not to stop, such as plans with a friend that I was previously unaware of, I will take that under consideration.
If I have asked for input and there is a lack of consensus, well, I am in charge. I will decide. And that is that. Life is not always fair.
With a larger plan such as holiday schedule, in my (now non-PD) home, I would simply be stating something like, "We are driving to visit Gran this weekend, leaving Friday after dinner and returning Sunday evening. Don't forget to pack an outfit for church." In theory, that should be adequate. If someone has an objection, that's fine, if it is presented respectfully I will certainly hear it and possibly consider. But ultimately I am going to decide because I am the adult responsible for us all.
In my opinion, a family is not a democracy. Although many things are negotiable, some are not. It is more like a benevolent dictatorship.
I consider myself responsible for maintaining a balance where I do not abuse my power but I do not let the lunatics run the asylum either.
I also try to be a good example of leadership that I would want them to emulate.

I remember reading years ago that when raising toddlers one should give them a reasonable amount of choice such as, "Would you prefer the blue or the green socks today?". (Whether to get dressed or not is not an option. Neither is whether or not to wear socks.) In my opinion, this applies equally to older children. They can have input and responsibility to the degree that they have demonstrated maturity and trustworthiness. In my home, if my children behaved this way,

... both have decided that not only is this the end of their world of they don't get their way there is absolutely no discussion even allowed; if they hear any consideration of pros and cons for the opposing view they get violently angry screaming at us and threatening.....   It's beyond spoiled, it's irrational inflexible violent anger...

I would not consider them mature enough to handle the choice and would no longer trust them with the responsibility. I would exercise my parental authority and make those decisions by myself for a time.

when you say

I have to mitigate and walk delicate lines with all of my children.....

I agree with Call Me Cordelia in wondering what might happen if you chose not to? I would even take it a step further than she has and suggest that, as you are the parent, NO, you certainly do not "have to" do this and that it is not in the best interest of anyone in the household that you do so, precisely because, as Call Me Cordelia states,

They do not have the right to make life unpleasant for the entire family.

Don't give up Jsinjin!! It is never too late for any of us, adults or children, to learn new ways of interacting!! You are already making such wonderful personal progress!!

[Boat Babe]

 

Top parenting advice.

[xredshoesx]

i second that advice.

it's ok for the person who pays the bills to make those decisions for children.  if you want to give older teens some agency ask them to suggest an alternative plan- ie daughter goes with family and son arranges to stay with parents of a team member but you are the parent and need the final say bc you are the one who is in charge.