Hi everyone

[Forwardmomentum997]

Hi,
i am 24, male and from the UK.
I recently joined this online forum. I'd had it bookmarked for a while but i now have the time to write a post.
For a while now i have been aware that i have many of the traits of aspd and some of bpd. However here in the uk, you have to be completely out of control (enough to be sectioned) in order to get any help with the distress that having personality issues causes. And even then from what i've heard it doesn't really help all that much to have an official diagnosis as the mental health professional  that would be able to help you are few and far between.

I have a few questions.
Due to the nature of personality issues is is best to just accept that 'change' isn't really possible only acceptance and creating rules such as respecting other peoples boundaries ?

Do any of you think that dealing with trauma can help you understand your own behaviour and coping mechanisms ?
Do any of you understand the overlap between neurodevelopmental disorders and personality disorders.? It seems complicated to me, i have both autism and adhd. people say that autistic people lacking empathy is a myth but in my case it definitely isn't, i have very low empathy. Anger issues, a big ego, i find i can't connect with anyone in a meaningful way, i have developed quite a messed up sense of humour as a way of dealing with the abuse i experienced as a child, i don't know what i am feeling most of the time, if anything at all. And lastly, i find i enjoy messing with other people and upsetting them makes me feel good. Because if i can make someone cries then i know they must care. I know i have attachment issues, but its like there is a block in my head stopping me processing my own experiences. I can't take the abuse i experienced seriously, and even during the brief moments where i do. It doesn't change anything.

I mean at the point where someone clearly cannot work on themselves because their own defences wont allow them to is the point you get written of as difficult. But its not my fault i am this way. All i can do is try to fit in with others better, but i don't like doing this. 

I don't want to get to the point like there is no help. So i am doing all i can to help myself out. But it seems to me that external support and mental health services which are equipped to deal with people with complex issues simply don't exist.

I will soon be working with a therapist using my own money to pay for some session. I want to be honest with him from the get go about the extent of my issues but i know that if i feel judged by him about some of my questionable behaviours which i see as jokes that i know i will become very defensive and quit therapy once and for all.
Because it is at the point of accepting responsibility and seeing my actions effect others and caring about that where i just don't seem to be able to.

I don't want to have to process and deal with everything myself but have a hard time trusting anyone.

Have any of you seen a therapist when you are at the point of accepting you have personality issues ? How did you explain ? Did you find therapy helped you or not ?

Thanks
Forwardmomentum997

[xredshoesx]

Hi (member) and welcome to Out of the FOG -

Because you have identified yourself as someone who may suffer from  ASPD and BPD traits,  we want to make sure you're aware of a couple of things as you settle in.

Out of the FOG is a community dedicated to offering support and information to people who have a loved one or family member who suffers from a personality disorder. That doesn't necessarily exclude those who also have a PD from participating but the rule is we come here to discuss our relationship issues as they pertain to the other people in our lives with a PD, and not PD recovery issues as they pertain to the self. If you suffer from, or suspect you suffer from a personality disorder, we welcome your participation as long as the discussion still revolves around dealing with the loved ones in your life with a PD and not on your own recovery from a PD.   SO, based on that, the questions you ask are important but as we are not medical professionals, and posting as people who are involved in PD/ uPD relationships with others, it's not for us to say.

As a caveat, many of the folks who have posted here are dealing with FLEAS, which are unhealthy coping mechanisms developed after being around folks with PD/ uPD for years.  When you meet with your therapist let them to be the one to decide how much the traits are affecting you in your daily life.  If you are willing to learn and try different techniques they may be able to help you change many of your behaviors.  It's really up to you how you move forward from here.

https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/fleas

Also, we'd like you to be aware that people at a site like this are often hurting a great deal.  They come here needing a safe place to vent about how they may have been hurt by the person in their life with a PD.  At times, these comments can be harsh. Reading them may trigger you, if you are not far enough along in your own recovery to let these comments pass without becoming upset or attempting to speak on behalf of others with personality disorders.

Thanks for your understanding, and again Welcome to Out of the FOG.

[guitarman]

Welcome.

I am also in the UK.

Here are a few resources that you may find of use, if you don't know about them already.

I know there is often a long waiting list to see a NHS mental health professional. It's a terrible situation if you are seeking help and support.

Recovery Colleges - If you are a mental health service user you maybe able to access free courses and groups run by Recovery Colleges set up by your local CMHT Community Mental Health Team.

NSUN National Survivor User Network have a free regular newsletter that you may like to sign up to receive. For people based in the UK.
https://www.nsun.org.uk/

Mind
https://www.mind.org.uk/

Rethink Mental Illness
https://www.rethink.org/

Frazzled Café
https://www.frazzledcafe.org/

Mayim Bialik
https://www.bialikbreakdown.com

Mayim Bialik on YouTube
https://youtube.com/c/MayimBialik

Tara Brach Mindfulness teacher, free talks
https://www.tarabrach.com/

[Forwardmomentum997]

Thank you for your reply and for explaining how the site works. I fall into both categories as i deal with a immediate family members who have   pd traits. But i am also in the situation where i recognise the some traits within myself (particularly aspd and some bpd) I cannot do anything to change how the abusive people within my family treat me and my sibling. Other than by listening to my sibling who has said herself she thinks she has bpd traits. I know my mental health is better when i am not around my family, i have moved away and went no contact for a few months as well. It is really difficult to try to comprehend how being around abusive people growing up shapes you as an individual. And i just hope that i am able to say what i need to say to the therapist and can trust him to help me work on my issues.
What blew my mind when you grow up around family with pd is that you think it is normal and thats just how families are. I am grateful that my sister and i are on the same page in terms of trying to seek help. For a while i was the only one who could see the family system and parents behaviour for what it was, abusive.

But at the end of the day you cant change others, only yourself and create strategies to manage your own mental wellbeing.
It sucks to see how much progress you have made but to know you have alot more to make.

[Forwardmomentum997]

Thanks for sending those links.
I'm sure they will be helpful. I will have a look

[JustKeepTrying]

Dear Forward,

First, I want to applaud your bravery for posting here and being open about the issues you are facing.  These are deeply complex with roots in environment and genetics.  Untangling it and looking directly at takes a great deal of guts.  You should be proud of yourself for taking that step.

As for me, like mentioned redshoes, I am an individual who was married to a man with OCPD for three decades.  My sister has NPD.  All diagnosed here in the US.  My paternal grandmother I suspect was a NPD and my father showed traits as well.  I have a son with high functioning autism and a daughter with dyslexia.  I have been dealing with the trauma of childhood (physical abuse) and a college rape and stage IV cancer (died and brought back several times) and the abuse from my xOCPDh.  I was almost committed to a nursing facility due to PTSD and daily seizures.  I found a trauma therapist who I have been working with for five years and the seizures have stopped.  I found EMDR to be most helpful for the trauma.  Google, read about it but it may help inform your therapist and point you in a good direction.

Here is my advice - you state you have little empathy but you are young and may or may not have it.  You may have put great boundaries in place to deal with your trauma and therefore are not able to tap into it.  Or it may not be there.  I'm not you so I don't know.  And I'm not a therapist.  What I am saying is that, give yourself time and the opportunity to heal.  I set a reminder on my phone to encourage me to stop twice a day and reflect on my current emotional state/am I really feeling what I'm feeling and why/do I need to keep feeling it or do I pivot.  This has been tremendously helpful to me in learning to recognize my emotions and deal with them in healthy ways.

Give your therapist some time - a few sessions at least.  It can take a while to develop trust.  But also don't be afraid to try someone else.  There may also be groups like PACE group that could be helpful as well.

Whether or not you continue here, I am sending you a virtual hug from across the pond and saying a prayer that you continue to be brave and face your inner self.

[Forwardmomentum997]

Hi justkeeptrying.

Thank you for your advice, i will take it on board and thanks for letting me know your own situation. I wish you the best of luck healing too.