Ugh, triggery, triggery

[Amadahy]

Good morning, lovelies,

I think many can relate .... I'm gliding along, happy I've made some progress in my healing from C-ptsd from Nmom's abuse, when boom!  Something triggers profoundly.  Geesh.

This morning, I watched a fav youtuber and just bristled because my view of his guest was that she was experiencing a relationship with a parent who may not have had her best interests at heart, but that wasn't addressed.  In fact, many comments were offering adulation of this parent and I just wanted to barf.  Like, a big barf, a huge I am bristling and hyperventilating barf.  The barfiest barf ever.

This had my projection all over it!!! 

I hope the guest has a mother-of-the-year type mother, but I wasn't feeling it or accepting it.  My reaction was sooooo much anger about my Nmom's treatment of me and how if this girl were in the same boat and the reactions there would isolate and invalidate her.  I commented thus, and owned my projection.   But, dang, I'm aggravated that -- for the zillionth time -- I am triggered massively.  My very bones ache from my response.  And, it's the friggin' interweb, which is real and not real, ya know?  Ugh.  If it wasn't raining, I'd go dig a ditch or something to redirect this.  A very long ditch.

Anyway, this is more a spew and stew post.  I'm easing off on the self-judgment and trying to find the lesson, while I wonder "another lesson?!?!"  One day, I'll be well-educated, eh?! 

Love and always thanks for support and even reading this blathering mess. 

ETA:  I went back to the video and deleted my comment.  The video wasn't about me and I didn't feel right leaving my ruminations there, when it seems like the girl in the video found what she needed.  xoxo

[Starboard Song]

ETA:  I went back to the video and deleted my comment.  The video wasn't about me and I didn't feel right leaving my ruminations there, when it seems like the girl in the video found what she needed.  xoxo

That's classy. After all of your own stress, you had the presence of mind to reflect on what a stranger needed, and you tailored your message for them. I'm impressed.

We all get triggered sometimes. Our injustice meters are all broken and the needle can just fly right away sometimes. Most of the interpersonal mistakes and pains of the world are just the normal flavor, and should arouse us. But dang it, we want justice!

I just want you to know you aren't alone, in sometimes reacting this way. I believe it all comes down to behavioral therapy: we have to treat this as a bad habit, and find actions or thoughts to interrupt the chain of thoughts that lead us to spiral into anger or stress. I'm no pro, but I think this mechanical, low-brow approach pays off the most.

Good luck to you, and thank you so much for having the courage to share that experience.

[Amadahy]

Thank you, SS.  I don't feel courageous.  I feel sort of patched together with clearance rack dollar store glue.  LOL. 

[GentleSoul]

I very much relate. 

Sudden triggers hitting me in the face.  That stomach churning flood of chemicals through me.  Ugh.

[Mintstripes]

I can relate. I have come to the conclusion that the vast majority of people glorify family and will never understand or approve of the true setting of boundaries with one's FOO (especially parents), nevermind ceasing contact.
This is why I don't have many friends and appreciate those who understand (only one truly does, tbh).
I know one woman from my DD's old daycare who has told me about her textbook narc mom (made a whole scene at her big wedding overseas and refused to come out of her hotel room, didn't attend the wedding she traveled thousands of miles for  , among other examples of PD behavior). I was becoming friendly with her but it didn't grow into anything substantial because she's the type who refuses to see her mother for who she is.
The second I hear anything like "you only have one mother!" or anything remotely similar, I'm out.

[Starboard Song]

Thank you, SS.  I don't feel courageous.  I feel sort of patched together with clearance rack dollar store glue.  LOL.

Courage is as courage does.


:-)