I need to stop complaining to DD

[square]

I know better. I know.

But lately I've felt powerless to stop myself making comments to DD. "Oh, he did that again I see." "Great that he left that for us to deal with." "How exactly is this fair?"

DD just lets it roll off. She is pretty clear eyed about the situation and knows her father is clinically insane and that mom is there for her but her father cannot be counted on. But he's still her dad. And she's a kid. So I need to knock it off right now.

Can anyone offer suggestions for how I can best succeed in shutting up?

I think it's two things. One is the level of overwhelm, when things are at a certain level I have a harder time holding myself together. H is not angrier than usual, I think he's just letting more than usual slide lately. The house is always a mess but now it's worse. So whereas he used to throw away only about 20% of his trash in the kitchen it's now 0%. And so on.

And I'm furious with him for stranding DD without a ride several times in a row and having the absolute gall for being angry at US about it, and not one feeling whatsoever about what he did to DD, or me. DD had to walk home alone the other night, okay just a mile but really? Her dad was home, had a car, and she has to walk alone in the cold. I want to divorce him over it. I'm furious. But I have to just pretend everything is fine. And now DD and I have to walk the mile and back, I'm disabled, it's still winter, the sidewalks are horrible. And he feels FINE about it. FINE.

And the other part is feeling like, it's like being gaslit. I feel crazy. He has programmed all the responses in my brain, and I know they are insane. But, say, I walk into the kitchen and there's trash everywhere. We have a garbage bin, how hard is it realy to throw trash away? I feel angry but then I hear him say all the programmed stuff in my head. "You expect me to be a SAINT all the time. " "Look at this minor thing you left on the counter, totally invalidating your feelings about the mountain of trash." "I'd have the time if you weren't so lazy, maybe you could actually do something once in a while." "You're just nasty."

So then it's like I want to check with a human being that sees all this, are my perceptions correct? This is bizarre, right? Normal people throw trash away on a regular basis right? I struggle with fatigue but I do meet my responsibilities and obligations right?

And no, there's nobody else. I'm the wife of a paranoid psychotic hermit. We don't have friends and even our families stay away now. DD knows what the deal is so it's soooooo tempting to talk to her about it. She's in the trenches with me!!

But I know I've got to stop 

[square]

BW, thank you so much for your empathetic and useful response. It really did help to calm this sense of panic in my soul.

Over the last two days, I've had a sudden glimpse of a possible plan to leave. It's ugly, there are huge srawbacks, and it's risky - I might gamble and lose. But until this idea popped up, I've seen literally no options to leave - like, stay, or struggle against homelessness for life (disability).

I don't know if I will do it, but it is something to now be able to see an option, ugly as it is. Another good thing is that, after maybe a month from now, it'll be an option I could pull the trigger on very quickly.

I'm not ready to do it but having it in my back pocket feels like maybe I have a little more power.

[Cascade]

I really struggled with this too, with my children, especially as they got older and were empathetic and good listeners. Having another place to vent helps. Oh and about the garbage, my husband leaves garbage on the counter too! Not everything but certain things. How hard can it be to throw something in the garbage? It's not even one step away from where he left it on the counter.

[square]

It feels good to know I'm not alone in wanting to vent to my kid, thanks.

Also, sheesh, can people not throw garbage away lol.

[11JB68]

Not sure how old your dad is.  I had a long talk with Ds when he was about....20? Maybe younger.  I felt he needed to know.  Turned out he already had it sort of figured out.  I think it helped him to have it out in the open.  I have tried not to vent to him.  But when I feel he needs to know something I do tell him. I feel he needs to know when something is not normal/ok.

[11JB68]

Oh and yeah the trash thing here too.
Updh uses the last roll of the from a package and leaves the empty wrapper on the closet shelf
Also he chose to have a small bag the trash near his area in the kitchen but leaves trash on the counter that I end up throwing out.  His excuse is... ocd/ doesn't want to get his hands dirty.

[square]

DD is 16, and I think we've had good talks. Meaning, mot me venting to her but me supporting her when H was being, you know.

I have not and will not use the PD label.

But H has other mental health issues as well and she knows he has psychotic breaks and stuff. But as serious as those are, they aren't what cause our home life to be so bad.

So we talk, but I know what I've been doing lately is wrong.

Yup, empty roll or box of anything just gets left there. I am feeling a lot of resentment that he gets to choose how we live and I get no say. And I can NEVER get used to this.

[wisingup]

Hi Square - I can give you some perspective from the kids point of view, based on my own experience. 

My enDad was an alcoholic.  It progressed through my life & he was bad while I was in high school, then REALLY bad after his business failed and my parents had to declare bankruptcy.  So he would act fairly normal in the mornings but every night at dinner he would behave bizarrely, slur his words and say totally weird and random things. 

The thing is, I had no idea he was an alcoholic.  I never saw him drink - apparently, he kept his booze in the trunk of his car & would go out for repeated drinks.  During these dinners when he was so weird, my mom would seethe & snap at him, she would slam cupboards & mutter under her breath, she would look at me & roll her eyes.  I had no clue what to do about any of this & was an anxious mess.

All that to say, if my mom had calmly explained to me what was going on, that I was not responsible for it, that she was struggling to figure out what to do about it but was actively thinking & planning & she had my back, that would have alleviated 90% of my anxiety.  I wouldn't have minded some venting over his odd behavior, because I certainly found it very odd as well & having it not be discussed at all was so strange.  So it sounds like you're managing OK with your D & I think the two of you should discuss the odd behaviors so it's not like the proverbial elephant in the room. 

So many good thoughts coming your way - I hope your plan to get out can be successful!

[square]

Thank you so much for sharing your perspective, wisingup. I'll be giving it some thought.

I'm sorry you had to go through that.

There does seem to be some similarities with your situation and DD's, as both fathers had bizarre behavior.

Based on your post, I examined closer to see if I'm sure that DD is clear that this is neither her fault nor her responsibility. I'm pretty sure she knows it but will be worth stating explicitly perhaps.

Your post also made me think about the similarities and differences between my H's experience as a child with a father with a similar psych profile (but also a DV perpetuator, a cycle my H broke), and my DD's experience. DD is in a crummy situation, but I do see some critical differences.

For H growing up, the shame and blame of the dysfunction was spread over the family - counselors and priests and extended family suggested ways the wife and kids could behave to avoid setting off the father.

In this case, everybody - me, DD, extended family, DD's friends, and yes, H himself to a large degree - knows it's H.

I also thought about how, when I was 20, my mother apparently was feeling strain in her marriage and she complained some to me. (My parents are both nons). I reacted the same as DD - I didn't really respond. I didn't inow what to say. It was well above my pay grade. I didn't lose any sleep over it, it was just something I could no more deal with than if my mom was a rocket scientist having trouble with her equations. Hope you can sort that out mom, Imma go read.

Hopefully that's how DD feels, but I still need to stop it.

[Janeite V]

I feel for you, Square, and relate to your situation.

As a disabled person myself, I think it can play a large role in this overwhelming urge to vent when it is not always ideal. I don't know the nature of your disability, but if it leaves you socially isolated and house-tethered, that can mean you rarely if ever get a break from the PD behaviours, and you may not have a lot of people regularly around you to remind you that it is not in fact normal.

I've had some success with using a diary (behind a password on my laptop - though obviously not an option if he has potential to access it). Not only do you get to vent as much as you like, but if you start doubting yourself, you have a long history of evidence to look back on. Without fail, I find that certain trends or behaviours have gone on for much longer than I thought they did. Somehow it is easier to have compassion for and to believe your past self!

[IsleOfSong]

I echo what wisingup says here, and I will go a bit further — I would argue that you owe it to your daughter to validate what she undoubtedly feels and thinks by speaking up with her every now and then. If you can stick to comments about your husband's *behavior* being lousy and confusing, and not turn it into "your father's an a——-," you will be showing your daughter that what he does not ok. She needs to know that, especially so she doesn't wind up with a partner who exhibits similar behavior, and then stays with them because it's all she knows. You are gaslight-proofing your daughter whenever you speak your truth about her dad's erratic and nasty behavior.

Shine a light on the situation, I say. Be judicious, honest, and even a little vulnerable with your daughter. You don't have much to lose at this point, and everything to gain.

[square]

Janeite, thank you. Yes, I amisolated due to a combination of my disability and my H's complex psych/neuro conditions.

I might look into a password protected diary, thank you.

IoS, thank you. I do validate DD when H's PD affects her. I had been complaining about stuff that wasn't affecting her, or at least much (like complaining about the mess he leaves, which she doesn't like but it doesn't bother her nearly as much).

I have managed to stop, except maybe I can't take credit. Some of the pressure has released, I think. I'm not totally clear on the dynamic but I think the mess was worse than usual and I couldn't stand it and kind of fell apart. But one day H kind of cleaned it up so I can sort of deal again. Barely.

[Janeite V]

Square, I am sorry to hear your disability as well as the various conditions of your husband keeps you so isolated. It really saddens me how those of us who are disabled can be so vulnerable to abuse. But it is good to hear that the situation has alleviated at least a little bit.

I second what others say about how talking with your daughter about it in some respects can be good for her, too. My family of origin is very dysfunctional and I really wish it had been called out a lot more by my non-disordered parent. Even the things that I didn't really care about affected me later because it was difficult for me to fit in at school not knowing how to behave normally, and sometimes letting slip things about my home life that I thought were normal got me ostracized socially.

It's great to see that you are validating her when it affects her - it sounds like you are doing an amazing job.

[BeautifulCrazy]

I think we all have moments of weakness where we say too much or are too judgmental. Especially when we are tired, hungry, upset, sick, frustrated etc. 
It isn't the norm, but I have had many moments where I have said something disparaging or overshared or just vented to my kids about their dad.
It happens.
I can't be perfect.
But I can talk to them about it. "Sorry I complained about your dad earlier. That's not your problem and it was wrong of me to disrespect him like that."
"Hey kiddo, when I was snarky about dad's behavior earlier, that was really not cool. We don't talk about others like that. I'm sorry I said that stuff."

It's small stuff, really. Life with a PD is already hard, don't beat yourself up about it.