How have you decided to deal with PD parents on social media?

[donutmoonpanda]

I'm not on FB but I'm thinking about rejoining after many years. I'd like to connect with some old friends and not being on FB makes it hard to do a lot of local/neighborhood things like give away old furniture, find out who owns the cat that just walked thru my cat door, find out the best local person to cut down a tree, etc.

I'm currently LC with mom. She lives 500 miles away and I can't think of any other way for her to take a peek into my life without social media. But I want to control what aspect of my life I share with her. I've wanted online privacy from her for a while. She always made comments that I thought were inappropriate. She'd hijack or sandbag the conversation making no one else want to comment. Alienating my friends and followers.

I'm thinking of telling her that I won't connect with any blood relatives on social media. Because I literally don't speak to any blood relatives at this point. My grandparents are dead and everyone else is either a stranger or a toxic person. If mom asks, she's in the group with all those people. I'll just say, "I want my privacy from my family, including you."

What's your experience with this?

[SunnyMeadow]

I'm thinking of telling her that I won't connect with any blood relatives on social media. Because I literally don't speak to any blood relatives at this point.

I like this, simple and to the point. I deactivated FB because of my uNPD mother. She was doing similar things as your mother. Block her or whatever you need to do to be private, then enjoy getting back in contact with friends/local people.

[Liketheducks]

Nothing is real on social media.   I've blocked the FOO that have been troublesome.   Unfollowed quite a few.   And, frankly....no one puts anything out there but the illusion of their best selves.   (Pretty pictures to irritate those who are jealous).   OR....to start a fight in the comments. 

I would NOT explain to her WHO or HOW you'll opt to do social media.   That is completely your decision and none of her business.   

[Cat of the Canals]

My PDmom did the exact same thing. Constant hijacking of every one of my posts with totally awkward comments. I finally put her and all other family members (and family friends) on a special friend list that I block from seeing 99% of what I post. They don't know this. To them it just looks like I rarely use Facebook at all.

[FromTheSwamp]

My PDmom did the exact same thing. Constant hijacking of every one of my posts with totally awkward comments. I finally put her and all other family members (and family friends) on a special friend list that I block from seeing 99% of what I post. They don't know this. To them it just looks like I rarely use Facebook at all.

This is exactly my experience and what I did about it. 

[donutmoonpanda]

My PDmom did the exact same thing. Constant hijacking of every one of my posts with totally awkward comments. I finally put her and all other family members (and family friends) on a special friend list that I block from seeing 99% of what I post. They don't know this. To them it just looks like I rarely use Facebook at all.

That sounds perfect!

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes, I would not ever say you are denying her access. That's just a-cruising' for a bruisin'. I like making your boundaries and privacy settings and getting on with your life. If you've been off, perhaps you could preemptively block your family members such that they'll never notice you're back. 

[GentleSoul]

Personally I wouldn't say anything.  It would be an invitation for a load of drama.

With my Face Book page I set it up in the "settings" facility so only people I want can see it and interact on it.   

[Fiasco]

Don't tell someone you have something but they can't see it. For goodness sakes that's like walking up to someone and going "I know a secret and I won't tell you". Use an email address she doesn't have to set up the account so she can't find it that way. Use a pseudonym, tons of people do. Turn on all the privacy filters. Profile pictures are always public even if your profile has proper privacy settings turned on, so don't use a picture of yourself. Don't "friend" anyone who is friends with your unwanted relatives. Enjoy! We don't owe anyone access to our social media. It's supposed to be fun, and frankly if it's not fun you're doing it wrong, and you can delete and try again.

[Sneezy]

find out who owns the cat that just walked thru my cat door

Pretty sure if a cat walks into your house, the cat has just declared that you belong to them 

As others have said, block your mom on facebook.  To her, it will appear that you aren't even on facebook.  If she tries to search for you on facebook, you shouldn't even show up.  And don't even tell her that you are back on social media.  She doesn't need to know.

I am on facebook for the same reasons you are - it's a good way to find out what is going on in the neighborhood, get recommendations, etc.  I wouldn't deny myself the usefulness of social media.  On the other hand, it's my choice whether or not to be on social media, and I get to use it however I'd like.  Anyone who picks a fight on my timeline or makes rude comments gets blocked.  I'm looking for cute kid photos and funny memes, not drama.

[sunshine702]

You may want to carefully pick WHAT social media.  Nextdoor is a good place for lost cat, best tree trimmer, couch for sale.

Then you could  make a secret Facebook for chatting with old friends.   A fun fake name and some careful pictures.  Or I do like political chat but I am right wing so I like Gab.com.  very free speech there. 

[JustKathy]

Don't tell someone you have something but they can't see it. For goodness sakes that's like walking up to someone and going "I know a secret and I won't tell you". Use an email address she doesn't have to set up the account so she can't find it that way. Use a pseudonym, tons of people do. Turn on all the privacy filters. Profile pictures are always public even if your profile has proper privacy settings turned on, so don't use a picture of yourself. Don't "friend" anyone who is friends with your unwanted relatives. Enjoy! We don't owe anyone access to our social media. It's supposed to be fun, and frankly if it's not fun you're doing it wrong, and you can delete and try again.

I had a Facebook account before anyone else in my family did and still use it. It's my only connection to former coworkers and neighbors who have moved away but who I still want to share with.

Before any members of my FOO created accounts I routinely searched for them and when I saw one had set up an account I immediately blocked it. I've been using the site for over ten years now and have never had any problems with the FOO because they never knew I was there. On my primary account, I have all posts set for "friends only" and my profile pic (which can be seen publicly) is a pet photo. They can't see me, can't contact me, and I'm able to enjoy the site. At one point I did create a decoy account so in case they were searching for me, they'd find that one instead.

[Tribe16]

I'm a long time user of Facebook - my use of it has evolved though. I started when my kids were teens and I wanted to see their pictures. Now I keep in touch with family members and old friends but post rarely. I do like it for private groups that I participate in, events, and like the OP said, Marketplace and stuff like that.

Last year my uPD Mom was pretty rude in a call and said "Why are you calling me? I can get all the info I need from Facebook and your Dad." That was the day my posting dropped from a trickle to a verrrry slow drip. I've not blocked Mom but I don't follow her anymore so her stuff doesn't show up in my feed - I have to actually go look at it. When I do occasionally post, she peppers it with a gush of heart emojis that doesn't match the way she actually feels towards me - I feel like it's for show so the other family members don't realize there's trouble in Paradise. I think Mom sits on FB because she's often the first person to plaster heart emojis on my kids' posts and comment something gushy. Facebook is not as entertaining for me as it once was.

I've thought about blocking on Instagram but haven't pulled the trigger. Still thinking about it.

[JustKathy]

I finally put her and all other family members (and family friends) on a special friend list that I block from seeing 99% of what I post. They don't know this. To them it just looks like I rarely use Facebook at all.

Yes, Cat! This is a great solution for those who have their PD family members friended. It's really easy to create a special friends list that only allows certain people to see your posts. To everyone else, it will just look like you haven't been posting.

[Sidney37]

My PDm unfriended DH and me on social media years ago over something petty.  Then she realized that my enD was seeing pictures of my kids and she wasn't.  She insisted that friend request her (I did because I was still in the FOG) and then she demanded that I go to DH's phone and friend request her from his account.  She refused to friend request us after she unfriended us months before.   I refused to friend request  her from DHs account.  If she wanted to see the pictures badly enough, she could friend request him herself.  She never did.   

I went VLC several years ago (now NC) after she threw a fit that I posted on Facebook that one of my kids had an annoying injury just prior to an important sports try out.  I had joked a week before that I need to bubble wrap that kid to keep them healthy for the tryout.  Many  of my facebook friends were parents from that sport, so they were all feeling frustrated with me. She was irate that I hadn't called her first.  She demanded that I call her prior to any facebook or other social media posts so she would know first.  Any and all posts should have been told to her before I posted them.  I was in my mid 40's with a husband and kids!  Not a chance that was going to happen.

Well that was one of the many issues that led to VLC and then to NC.  I told her no. I wouldn't call her before every social media post and get approval from her.  She unfriended me.  Then she was looking at my infrequent  posts from my enD's account or calling her brother to see what I was posting. 

Then my parents  started posting mean things about me on social media.  I unfriended every blood relative and all of their church friends. Prior to that I had them on a list so they couldn't see my posts. I  blocked my PDm, enD and several of the relatives who they used to gain access to my account. 

Now I know they are saying unkind things about me through their smear campaign to my high school classmates.  I live 10 hours away.  Who knows who they have lied to and what they have said.  I have no clue what my high school classmates think about me at this point.  Now I post very, very infrequently and that is mostly on private groups about kids sports or school groups. 

[donutmoonpanda]

Then my parents  started posting mean things about me on social media.  I unfriended every blood relative and all of their church friends. Prior to that I had them on a list so they couldn't see my posts. I  blocked my PDm, enD and several of the relatives who they used to gain access to my account. 

So it sounds like even putting them on a list isn't a foolproof solution. "Where there's a will, there's a way."

I recently tweeted a really uplifting self-help quote on Twitter and despite months of NC radio silence with my mom (she never interacted with any of my other tweets before), but she liked that one. Then I was just fuming over the idea that she's telling people "See? Donut's just going through some things that have nothing to do with me, I'm a great mother, etc." Literally, I don't go through anything that isn't directly or indirectly related to her abuse. But whatever she has to tell herself...

[mary_poppins]

I like social media and yes, it can be unsafe for us who have toxic parents but there are so many ways to keep yourself safe from them even though you're online. I blocked all my family members on Facebook a long time ago.

However, I noticed that it didn't stop flying monkeys from collecting information about my Facebook profile to give to PD M. I had a friend (BPD-is an ex now) who would like, share, comment on my posts and this ex friend was in connection wit my mother. Mother saw her likes of my posts and decided to follow my profile.

I was horrified to see that both PD M and NPD brother were following me on Fbook even though I blocked them. So I had to remove them from the followers list.

So if you decide to block family on Facebook, watch out for the followers list. You also need to be extra careful with flying monkeys (aunts, uncles, cousins, friends of your PD family), because those will connect you with your abusers. My rule is to not have any relatives, friends of the family or acquaintances that have ever spoken to my family or met them on Facebook. I usually know who is or may be connected to fam.

Instagram is easy-make your profile private and no one can follow you without your permission. I blocked my brothers from Instagram just to make sure. BTW, my PD M went to my Instagram profile and took some of my old travel photos without my permission and framed them. I assume she used those photos of me as narcissistic supply (to tell her relatives how successful and pretty her daughter is-'look she is in London, she is successful!')

I am sure you will do well. Facebook is so helpful, I sold a lot of stuff on there-their marketplace is amazing.