Feeling like an orphan (all my life)

[Boat Babe]

I decided to treat myself to some more therapy and just come home from the second session. I realized that I have felt like an orphan all my life this evening. I have about three memories of my father (violent bastard) and only saw him twice after my mother left him when I was six. Then grew up with uBPDmum who was, and still is, a hot mess who never gave me the emotional understanding and support that a parent should have. Never.  Although fed and watered, I raised myself. It was so hard and I consider myself very lucky that my wild teenage years didn't end in disaster.

I experience excruciating loneliness when I am single. Excruciating. All my pain comes up when I am not in an intimate relationship. I only feel whole when I am with a partner. Thus, the decades of serial monogamy with virtually no gaps between partners. Thus the two relationships in with 2 uPDs and two drug addicts. Sheeeeet.

I glom on to just anyone to avoid feeling like little orphan Annie.  I'm getting too old for this crap.

[Hilltop]

   That doesn't sound easy and sounds like you are having a rough time lately.  How is a kid suppose to learn about emotions, even your reference for who you were wasn't reflected back to you.  It isn't easy.  In saying that you are trying, you are getting support.  We have to go through the yucky stuff to get to the other side of it.

No wonder you feel loneliness, you weren't brought up with a supportive loving parent and that is not a reflection on you or who you are.  A kid teaching themselves isn't going to get far with what they need, they simply can't, it's impossible.

[Liketheducks]

Raising my traumatized inner child hand here.   Of course, you feel like an orphan.  It is completely and utterly understandable.    Honestly, as a kid, I used to have what I'd call orphan fantasies.  I'd imagine being taken in by relatives as my parents might have suffered a horrible car accident OR something like that.   I'd imagine that ANYTHING would be better than what I was experiencing.   We were homeless, Dad was an addict/alcoholic traumatized child himself who was violent.   Mom was co-dependent and had her own struggles.   They married because they were pregnant with me in the sixties.   I KNOW I wasn't wanted.   

I think the path to healing involves mourning what should have been.  You deserved to be treated with unconditional love and respect.  You deserved to be made to feel cherished.   I'm so sorry that didn't happen for you.   

Keep up with the therapy.  Or, I found a lot of solace in a 12 step, free, ACA support group.  (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families).    You are not alone.   

[square]

to you today.

[notrightinthehead]

Oh Boatbabe! You are not alone. You have us for a start. I also found great comfort in attending CoDA meetings, meeting people with similar attachment issues, admitting the desperate need to feel accepted and liked - that my value has to come from outside, another person.  During the pandemic lockdown I did a mindfulness online course and I learned mindfully accepting unpleasant feelings. I have tried to practise this since. I no longer run from unpleasant feelings by doing something or being angry at someone but I allow them, suffer through them, cry if I have to. Not in a self pitying way with blaming others, but in a truly sad, hopeless, abandoned way. Experience them fully. Sometimes for days. That is very unpleasant but the feelings eventually go away. Without having acted on them. I also googled "How to love yourself" found a few articles that I printed out and stuck up above my desk.
For myself, I have accepted that I will never be able to fill that hole within myself where the parental love and support should be - this train is gone, but I can give myself what I need, kindness, acceptance, praise, and love.

[nanotech]

I'm sending you hugs and total respect. You've done so well, becoming self -aware and using mindfulness to accept your feelings,  but not be overwhelmed by them.
We have that tendency to be too hard on ourselves. Always remember that you are not defined by another's perspective.

[Sneezy]

Boat Babe - I am sending you love and a big hug   

You are a kind, smart, and strong woman who has given so much good advice on these forums.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the times you listened to me and helped me find my way!  Keep up the therapy and keep taking care of yourself.  You got this, I know you do. 

P.S. Getting older is not for the faint of heart, we both know that.  But there is joy in every stage of life.  At least that's what I tell myself when I see more and more grey in the mirror    We will do a better job of growing old gracefully than our mothers did, that's for sure!

[SunnyMeadow]

Here's to therapy! 

I echo everyone else in offering you hugs and understanding. Sounds like you have clarity and good self-awareness with what's going on in your life. It's so important, many people don't have that. 

Thinking of you ♥   

[blacksheep7]

I decided to treat myself to some more therapy and just come home from the second session. I realized that I have felt like an orphan all my life this evening. I have about three memories of my father (violent bastard) and only saw him twice after my mother left him when I was six. Then grew up with uBPDmum who was, and still is, a hot mess who never gave me the emotional understanding and support that a parent should have. Never.  Although fed and watered, I raised myself. It was so hard and I consider myself very lucky that my wild teenage years didn't end in disaster.

I experience excruciating loneliness when I am single. Excruciating. All my pain comes up when I am not in an intimate relationship. I only feel whole when I am with a partner. Thus, the decades of serial monogamy with virtually no gaps between partners. Thus the two relationships in with 2 uPDs and two drug addicts. Sheeeeet.

I glom on to just anyone to avoid feeling like little orphan Annie.  I'm getting too old for this crap.

Oh Boat Boat.  The pain that we carried so long, because of our present age, has an effect on us!  We're tired and exhausted which does affect how we feel, empty at times.  Challenges are still difficult to process.

You did good by going to therapy.  It means you are taking care of  yourself, not feeling sorry.    When it hurts, we go to the doctor. 

Do what gives you peace.  Feel it and it will pass.


Your childhood is my story but Covert NM never left my raging NF.  I'm also glad that my teenage years could have been a lot worse.  Something to smile about.

[Gointothelight]

I've been going to therapy and the past year has been about acknowledging this and giving myself permission to mourn this. I hear you!

[sunshine702]

I use that feeling to my advantage for healing.

Hole.  I don't have you guys really here in this huge moment. Buying my first house.  You are off in your PD lunacy instead. 

Well I get to play both roles to myself myself then. Loving caring parent.  The Disney verion perfect.  And the scared daughter.  Is this the right move?  I get to be so strong doing it on my own. 

[Leonor]

Hi Boat Babe,

Oh yes I get this very, so so much. Feeling like an orphan, just kind of buffeted from one place to another, barely visible, like a wraith, waiting for someone to see me or hiding from abuse when they did. Then, as a teen, just unleashing hell on the world and myself, how I made it through was a blessing, someone up there was looking out for me and those around me. Even through my 20s, I was battling all kinds of addictions and disorders, but since my addictions of choice made me skinny and hyper on the outside, everyone treated me as crazy-in-a-cute way, as opposed to ill and in danger and so very, very sad.

But my biggest, hardest, and nastiest addiction has been love addiction. All the other addictions were just there to avoid the excruciating pain of my love addiction. All the danger I placed myself and others in was to feed this ravenous love addiction. It doesn't sound that bad. It sounds like, oh I'm a helpless romantic, or I tend to be codependent in my relationship, or I daydream about prince charming. That's not it.

For me, love addiction is drinking myself blind on cheap vodka and then speeding 50 miles over the speed limit at 4am on a city highway when barfing out the window because my narcissist boyfriend is discarding me. It's not eating for three days and then bingeing until I get sick on fast food because I literally do not know what to do with myself and there is no one around for me to pursue or be pursued by. It's waking up not knowing where I am or who is next to me, getting phone calls from people I don't remember meeting, let alone sleeping with, and getting dumped and humiliated for being slutty or desperate or manipulative, screaming fights, suicide attempts, self harm, all of it over some boy or no boy. It's horrible and painful and embarrassing, and it's hard for me to admit that I hurt people, because part of the addiction is this rage and hatred towards the object of my obsession. It's easier to think, I was taken advantage of, or I was abused, or I was entertaining, or even I was raped. And it would be true. It is true. But it's also true that I went consciously looking for it. I don't mean victim-blaming. I mean looking for it in the same way that a junkie goes to a crack house looking for a hit.

I was a serial monogamist, mostly, but there's a trick there, you see. There's a certain virtue in "monogamy." It implies that we're actually quite virtuous, if only we found the Right Person, or that our relationship broke down because of something wrong with Them. They were mean or narcissistic or cold or superficial or whatever. We were ready to play Miss Perfect Wife and Mother. Our only lapse in judgement was our tendency to trust or hope or love too much.

But the issue is the "serial." If it's serial, it's not monogamy. If it's serial, it's indiscriminate. It's constant. It's not related to the Other Person. It's about us, our need, our damage, our projections. It's our need to control other people, to take our revenge out on others, to continue to coerce other people into abandoning us, or into attaching to us so that we can abandon them. It's disordered. It's ugly. It is so painful!

I think it's wonderful that you have treated yourself to therapy! The sucky part is that if it's good therapy, it doesn't feel much like a treat! Here's a boatload of pain for $125! But if you're there, it's because you need to be. It's because you're ready for the deep healing.

I don't want to say "all done," because as soon as I do another little emotional ogre pops up in my recovery path, but I truly believe that looking at my love addiction has been the most healing step I've taken on this journey. We sometimes accept that there's this hole in us that can never be filled or healed, and we'll just have to limp around with it the best we can for the rest of our lives. I no longer believe that. Sobriety in love addiction is finding those holes, those chasms and voids, and the joy is discovering that yes, you CAN fill them. You CAN be made whole. You can love yourself into life, no compromises, no hobble.

Sam Vaknin has a powerful video on love addiction. It's hard to hear and of course the guy is, well, problematic, but you don't have to be his friend to learn from it. For a more gentle but no less powerful experience, Alanis Morrisette has a podcast on her own love addiction that is very sad and beautiful, especially her interview with Pia Melody.

Boat babe, you are not alone. You are not permanently damaged or weird or needy or stupid. You were horribly wounded as a little girl, and there's a tough chick in there who got that little girl through and did what she had to do so that today, you can tend and mother and heal. It stings. But it gets easier. And it's so, so worth it.

Much healing to you.