closer to NC than ever before

[lindentree]

I usually post over in PD Parents forum. I had promised myself a year or so ago that I would never call my NPDm while I was alone. With my children or DH present, I had witnesses and while she may still sound pissy, she's unlikely to emotional/psychological abuse me. Two days ago I called her about a topic we have in common (running our own businesses) and everything was fine (you know, revolving around her and full of gossip) until I said, "ok, well we'll see you in June and then maybe July (we are generally LC and gray rock has been helping us get through visits...we live 10 hrs apart thank God). and that's when she turned.

"What do you mean, I can't see you before June?!?!" I was shocked. Not surprised of course. Why did I think I could call my mother and not be abused? I was silent for a few seconds because it was such a twist from the previous 10 minutes. Then I did something I had sworn to never do - JADE. And before I knew it I had to hang up because I was spiraling into an anxiety attack. And I was mad at myself for that, too, because I had been doing so good with not letting her get to me.

She's paranoid about her ex (my F) coming to visit, constantly talks about how much she wants to see her grandchildren (way more than any of the other two sets can or want to visit and of course she has moments of emotionally bullying my kids too and I gotta put my foot down on that sh*t because we don't do that in my house.

After the lashing out she immediately gaslights, telling me I don't remember telling her she could come this month blah blah blah.

Thanks to therapy and medication and DH, I didn't feel like ending my life during this panic attack. Instead I practiced self-care and stayed "off the ledge". I hated how I felt numb and fuzzy the rest of the day, like I'd been run over by the proverbial bus.

So all that to say I'm very seriously going NC. She has controlled manipulated and poisoned me with her toxicity my entire life and I'm not going to let her continue to negatively impact me from 10 hours away. I have a great life with a DH and precious kids and successful small biz and a new house and lovely church etc.

I anticipating drama and flying monkeys in the form of her husband, my enabling father (her ex) and my sis who's awesome but they all live in the same city and are so interconnected.

Please give me advice. She wrote me what looked like an essay of an email within hours of the phone call and called me twice the next morning. I have no anxiety about not reading or answering. I'm not playing these games anymore. If anyone in my life treated me and guilted me like she did, I would absolutely cut them out. Why is it so hard with parents?

[SunnyMeadow]

From what you wrote, sounds to me like NC would be a good thing for you. Your body reacts in such a way that NC would seem to be highly beneficial to you. I've had that numb and fuzzy feeling too and I can't believe how wiped out I feel after bad times with my uNPD mother. I get how hard this is because it's a parent. It's like I was drawn to put up with my mother just because she's my mother.

What do you think about trying no contact for a while? You can always extend or end NC as needed. I like that you say you have no anxiety about not reading or answering her ridiculously long email. Shows that you're strong and that can help you get through no contact with her and dealing with the flying monkeys. I say, focus on your great life with dh, precious kids and nice life! Your mother can continue her paranoid, gaslighting, toxic ways but without you.

[SeaSalt]

When I was in the same situation like you I wrote to my mother that I was in a stage where speaking to her was making me sick and that I need to take a break and heal from all that negativity and heaviness so I told her that I will go NC until this feeling I had goes away. And after than msg I blocked her and had peace for 2 years. Maybe you could do something like that?
What helped me in past is to think of NC as non permanent solution per se but more like a solution in current situation that might change (but it never really does). This not because PD people change, not at all but because the idea of never seeing again your parent makes the whole NC super heavy. Also this view made me develop a strategy to cope with flying monkeys. When they would come to me with begging and heaviness I would tell them to not worry, its just a phase (life long phase but I did not tell them that) and that these things happen between parents and children and that they should focus on their relationship and not mine. At the end it evolved that flying monkeys were not pushing me for a few years and still in contact with me but eventually as they saw that I really am not going back to my mothers realm, than they slowed faded and that is fine for me. Its a price I am willing to pay in order to have peace. My brother made a drama and decided to go NC with if I do not talk to out mother and so I am not NC with him as well. That is sad but fine since we never really had a close relationship anyway.
Long story short, my advice is to do what in this moment gives you peace and to not think to much in the long term and future because you can not know what will happen in the future, many things can and will change. So do what make you happier now and than step by step. Each day you stay away from toxic people helps you to heal and move on. I wish you all the peace that you deserve.

[moglow]

So wait - she escalated a bunch of emails because you won't see her until June, three months from now? Keep that up and it'll be longer for you, know what I'm saying! Reality check for her: you have a family and home and jobs and school, activities etc. You have to plan ahead and around everything y'all have going on like anyone else, can't realistically undertake a 10hour trip at her whim. NOR is it feasible to "entertain" her whenever she wants. You have a life you've built with your own family!

You had the courtesy to give her a heads up that you're planning a trip, and she's looking for complaints and negativity. She has something to gnaw on now and may dig deeper - so can you. You can tell her flat out, this is what we have available and I'm sorry if you don't feel it's enough. More complaints? You can back off, back WAY off if you want and tell her, You know what? I don't think that would be a good time for us after all, whether traveling or having visits here. I'll let you know if that changes.

No means no.What's she gonna do, get mad? She already is. Try and control you and your family? She already tries. It's YOUR life, family, home etc. You get to decide who and when visits/visitors are welcome. Same with your phone - if she blows it up with a bunch of hateful calls and messages, it's not going to be conducive to future communication.

Mine threw in my face many times my lack of visits and phone calls, never any awareness that THIS was the reason why. All the complaints and negativity, accusations and putdowns, the gossip and demeaning comments were just awful. I dreaded any contact at all, backed away and kept on backing off from her. She completely forgot how to even pretend to be pleasant, and every phone call devolved into a big dramafest with her.

It all [eventually] ended up being a huge confirmation of how very limited our relationship had always been, and how fruitless it all seemed to be. I didn't like her and didn't want to pretend to overlook the awful things she said to me anymore, plain and simple. As mentioned by my friends above, I took a much-needed break from her [actually there had been some in the past but never for very long] and it was a godsend! I found peace and contentment and my whole system settled down. I held back for six months then contacted her and she spun it all back up/down within a month. BOOM! I had to shut it all down again.

We live, we learn what works best for us. There's no law that says you "have to" do anything at all. You can "take a break" for a set time or just until you feel willing to address her again. You don't owe anyone an explanation. I would, however, be very careful what I said in response to "why." I wouldn't address my mental state, therapy, meds, what my husband says, any of that. YOU made the decision as the best for you and your family and that's what it will be until you decide otherwise.

We're here with you, totally understand!

[lindentree]

Thank you moglow, SunnyMeadow, and SeaSalt, for your feedback. I really need support in these times. I've been NC and ignoring her communication. Today however (5 days since) I'm ruminating.

Do I announce that I'm NC? Or just implement it without explaining to her?

With things having been better over the last year we had decided to go visit their new home at the beach this summer. Apprehensively. So that's why I said we would see her then.

Thank you all for the script suggestions. Having ideas for wording and setting my limits is very helpful.

[Boat Babe]

Sounds really painful for you but you are saving your own life. Our heartbreak is that we can't save them.

Rumination is really hard work. Be very gentle with yourself when you notice yourself ruminating and extend yourself some self compassion for the pain and struggle you are experiencing. If you have the leisure and the energy, do some writing. Dump the contents of your head onto the page. It does create headspace.

Hugs.

[moglow]

Hey Lindentree! I'm of the mindset that no good deed goes unpunished. However gently, kindly or well intended your words may be, she's gonna do with them what she does. I try to remind myself that we didn't cause it, can't control it and certainly can't change it. Silence can speak volumes, and not burn you down in the process.

With mine, no matter how carefully i chose she'd pounce on some random something I never intended. That would become the sole focus of her resulting rampage and the message was lost entirely. Picking her mad, if you will.

The ruminating is a whole other kettle of fish, and i feel your pain. It can wear you pretty far down and it's a hard crawl back. I haven't been sleeping well because my mind churned with all of it for so long, so pretty much everything suffers from there. I found a "calm" CBD gummie that helps tremendously in shutting off the voices in my head,or at least muffling them for a while so i can rest. Journaling or letter writing, stream of consciousness style, helped lance that boil, as it were. A recent therapy exercise had me write out ten best/ten worst memories. It was hard and painful but searching out the best gave it balance so I didn't fall of that emotional cliff in my mind.

Find what soothes you and brings you peace, and do more of that.

[lindentree]

Great ideas and thanks for the support. I'm darned if I do / darned if I don't say anything.

I'm realizing how enmeshed I still am:
she currently is my friend on FB. I may block.
she can watch my public small biz social media.
she knows when we are visiting her extended family whom I'd like to visit with m FoC this summer in another state
I have taken her off the photo sharing app that we use to stay in touch with family via pics of the kids
my father (her ex, enabling) and sis (mediator) who live locally to her and with him I'm close.

I'm working on getting off the shared family plan even though it's cheap and unlimited data. I know they have looked up my step-siblings phone records to get insight on his relationship probs so I prob should've jumped ship then.

We share a Canva account for our businesses. I need to get out of that.

I'm in my mid 30s and realizing how despite living 8+ hrs away for several years, I haven't removed myself from her influence/grip.

[moglow]

You can quietly remove and block without a word of explanation to anyone, prob even block her from that biz social media and drop off her radar. If she were to question it that's on her - You still do what you need to do. If/when the flying monkeys rear their heads, you can always play dumb and change the subject. You certainly don't owe *them* an explanation. It's not necessarily easy but try and look at it as steps into independent adulthood - she doesn't need 24/7 access to your private or business life. No one does!

Given my history with mommie dearest, I was very leery of any help she offered when my life imploded years ago. I limited it in my mind and as soon as I repaid her loan [she tried to insist it wasn't a loan but I stuck to my guns and paid back every dime thank goodness], I didn't accept anything further. Given that she's flung that situation in my face many times since, I believe she had ulterior motives that I somehow undermined. She'd also offered to include me on family plan - all I could see were comments about who I talked to and how often and I didn't talk to her near that much etc. No thank you!

As Maya Angelou said, when people show you who they are believe them the first time. We didnt because these are our mothers. Everybody seems to step up in their behalf, disregarding what's been done to us over time. They don't necessarily say we deserve it, but there seems to be some unspoken rule that mother can do what mother wants. Mine bought into that mentality and carries on with it today. Our responsibility is first to ourselves, regardless of what mother says.

[Leonor]

Hello lovely lindentree,

Oh that horrible buzzy toxic hangover!

One thing I do when I am feeling that bzzzz is to create a very quiet, safe space for myself and practice breathing. Light a scented vanilla candle or place some fragrant herbs nearby (lavender and mint) or even hold a cake of soap to your nose and breathe in and out. Let the buzzy energy just bubble up into your skin and out your pores as you inhale love and exhale toxicity. Close your eyes and imagine a shady arbor of lindens. Even better if you can actually get outside and stroll or hike or sit somewhere lovely and peaceful. Keep breathing until you feel your toes wiggle and your body grounded to the earth. Don't move, even if you keep ruminating on your mom or replaying convos or hearing yourself say that this is stupid or tell yourself other people need you right this minute. Breathe through it. You'll know you're grounded again when you feel clear on your mom, silence in your head and are no longer interested in playing super snack deliverer laundry folder report producer meeting maker for a while.

Try to do this *every time* you feel the slightest tremor of anxiety. Impossible! No time! Yes, because if you've done it once, you can carry the memory with you. You can close your eyes and remember the arbor, or dab some essential lavender oil on your wrists, or hold a smooth stone you pocketed from outside. If you're not alone, step outside or even go to the bathroom. Give yourself three minutes to breathe (it will feel like forever but no one will notice.)

Then promise yourself to take that longer time when you have five free minutes. Then ten free minutes. Then twenty free minutes. Before you know it, you will be shoving stuff off your schedule to get yer half hour of quiet breathing time and the disassociation will fizzle up faster and faster.

And you'll find more clarity with your mom.

[lindentree]

Thank you, thank you, thank you, all.

Today's task: block her on FB. She's very nosy and will alert me when she can't view my FB posts. Now I'm not going to explain. She doesn't get to look into my life, my biz, or my kids if she's not a safe person.

She has reached out again by text nonchalantly like nothing happened 10 days ago, I love you, blah blah blah. I'm not playing that game anymore. I'm writing a letter that I probably won't send.

I ignored and don't feel bad or worried. Progress.

[moglow]

That reaching out as if all is well - bane of my existence for way too long. I kept falling for it: "maybe this time it'll be different."

Breathe, Lindentree. Continue on your way, with whatever feels best.

I've written many letters over the years. It always helps me put it all down for a while.