I won't be that kind of MIL

[Pepin]

As I continue forward after DPD CN MIL's death, I still am pondering a lot of what happened over the years: the various behaviors and actions still have me feeling outraged - especially when compared to others I know and even myself.  As I approach becoming a MIL myself, I find myself feeling so sorry for my younger self in the DIL role and I am also really angry.

Today I am reminded that DPD CN MIL "put up" with me because she needed DH.  If she straight up didn't like me and verbalized this to him, he probably would have defended me and set boundaries with her.  But since she was an expert in cognitive empathy, she knew how to get what she wanted and manipulate DH while underhandedly jabbing me.  She knew I couldn't really do or say anything because DH wouldn't believe me - that coupled with her age and declining health was a binding and damaging stronghold within my marriage.  She just wanted her favorite son.  And the tasks and reasons for him to tend to her bidding were unbelievable.  Cunning.  Again, she knew exactly what she was doing.

And I find myself turning all of this over and just fuming that a person could ever do this sort of thing.  Would I do this to my adult children?  Keep them from their spouse and children or anyone else because I need them so much?  In a sense it does sure seem like a punishment for DH as well.  He undoubtedly has everything she wanted but failed to have.  It was a way to hide her embarrassment at not taking control over her own life when she clearly had the means and the know how to do it. 

Instead of demonstrating strength for those looking up towards her for guidance, she channeled that into master manipulation through helplessness instead.  She liked to look strong but it was only because she was standing on the backs of others.  It's shocking to say the least.

If I could go back in time, I would have started calling out every single thing she did in front of others while providing an example of how it could have been handled better - and to stomp out her stupid excuses that were all around insulting.  And there would have been consequences as well, rather than me remaining silent.  The younger me thought that I had to take the abuse in order to keep my husband.  Sadly, both my husband and I were abused.  I will never be that MIL.  And I will never allow my children to put up with sh** like that from their inlaws either - and hopefully they won't because they didn't like DPD CN MIL either.  They knew exactly what she was doing, too.