parents giving me a financial burden that has me in a bind...

[kethartikk]

long rant disclaimer:


I'm 33 years old and I live with my parents. I am going to college for nursing and I'm planning on moving out of the house after I graduate in two years. I have a very dysfunctional family system that depend on certain people playing a role and it's very unhealthy. It promotes dog-piling truth tellers, triangulating potential threats to reputation, keeping up appearances and a lot of demands forced upon you and don't have a say in.

I'm pretty comfortable admitting that I'm a failure to launch and I've been speaking with my therapist about my issues with that. College didn't work out for me the first time around when I was 18 and finding work and moving out of the house has been a struggle for me. However. I'm putting the plan together to get out and stay out but there seems to be something in the air with my parents. I feel as though they secretly are trying to keep me from moving out. They're never obvious about it; btut it is the things they don't say and the times they choose to say certain off-putting things.

They always say in arguments that "it's about time I left" and they can't wait for me to leave when trying to devalue me to gain control or get fuel, as they triangulate and brag about my narcissistic bigger brother who is the overachiever child and how he left when he was 18. All this is true to a certain degree, however some moments their behavior is contradictory.

I knew that something was off because my father and my big brother was having a fall out because my father helped my big brother because he was in a bad financial crisis by giving his credit card to take care of his family, and then my big brother turned around and spend up my fathers credit & has about $80,000 in debt that he hasn't paid till this day. So I understand my father can't make any payments like he used to with his SSI, retirement income or anything and is no longer working. When he mentions it to my big bro, he promised to pay him back, but after a long while when the topic is brought up, he gets angry and now my father doesn't bother asking anymore.

However it's strange that he doesn't want to do anything about it, he keeps quiet about this situation and the topic never comes up. You think that he'd be on bad terms with my big brother for that but my big brother visits the house regularly like nothing ever happened! I believe my parents know that if they try to hold my big brother accountable, he's going to use their grand children against them and threaten not to let them see the grandchildren anymore and they don't want that. So it's so very weird tense situation where they allow him to come in and he's very toxic towards me, we've never got along because he antagonizes me and verbally abuses me every chance he gets. He enjoys bringing up my issues and that I haven't moved out yet and he has and getting into fights with me basically calling me pathetic and a loser. I don't really care about that because I know how to live in my truth and he's right about some things (I know how to be held accountable) but the fact is he's a narcissist and he has way more sins and he doesn't like looking in the mirror so when I even suggest even a bit about what he's done- I'm not even talking about the debt; I'm just talking about things he's done in his life to my parents that are unforgivable so why judge me? He goes into a narcissistic rage and he just starts going off so it's kind of like dealing with an insecure child who can't get enough of being catty around you but when you tell them the truth they play victim. My parents look the other way and treats us like children with the usual "alright break it up you two, play nice, you're brothers" that's just demeaning. it encourages him and conditions me to take abuse.

My father has a lot of problems around the house ever since then that requires financial help and I'm more than happy to help because tbh I'm not paying any rent other than paying cable and Internet for him and anything else that he needs however my father is also a covert narcissist, so it is extremely difficult when you're dealing with an abnormal person who goes to great lengths to make power plays and uses his bad health to his advantage to coerce you to do things. I can't count how many times he refuses to communicate to me necessary money matters and things have fell through because of it. It's like a mix of his pride or shame that demands me to read his mind when he's too prideful to tell me things outright, things that I'm willing to do for him and be there for him but because he couldn't bring himself to ask so we're in a worse situation. Any little thing that goes wrong he flies off the handle and mistreats family members who are there for him. It' bothers me, He's totally disrespectful to people around him who supports him but it's like he respects out of fear like my big brother those who wronged him at least enough to give them the silent treatment when they're around and I'm thinking why can't I have that same respect then?

Anyway, pretty recently my father needs to replace the roof and it's strange because he had a conversation with my big brother-  yes they're on talking terms now- no, he didn't pay his money back- about what roof company is best to call and contact. I already know in my gut that I'm going to have to assist financially for this but my dad doesn't even give me the decency of involving me in his decisions. But involves the person who owes him the money instead and put the plan together behind my back and make sure it's already set in motion and then he comes to me last and explains nothing.  He simply demands that I pay him for the roof outright.  When i ask questions like how much you need, for how long, or any other details he deflects, stonewalls and gets fake angry and argues with me as if I'm refusing to help him, but I'm just asking so I could understand better.

He wanted me to pay 500 a month for the roof and he was so prepared for some odd reason for me to say no he didn't even hear me say I'm willing to pay but I don't have the money to make sustainable monthly payments for that large amount, so I was trying to ask him is it possible that I can pay a lower amount? It's as if I never said that he went straight to rationalizing as if I told him I will not do it. This is like displaced feelings from his debt issues with my big bro, he was crossed and now I pay for it because I'm closest and trustworthy. When he doesn't hear what he wants to hear which is just yes, then anything else is nothing short but disrespect. We found an agreement  but I felt like my dad never expected me to accept it. It's like he came in expecting a "no" so he tried to sort of coerce me into a "yes" before hearing me out. Now that I'm paying montly for it, he's now saying that eventually he's going to pass away and so is my mom and the roof payment is going to be 25 years to fully pay off.Since he won't be there, it's going to be up to me and my little sister to pay it off. My father is seriously expecting me to continue to make payments for something that he could have made payments for himself had it not have been for my big brother ruining his financial situation and making his credit score extremely low. The biggest part about this is even though my big brother played a big role in choosing the company for the roof, He will not chip in at all. And my father is fine with that because he has some weird dysfunctional belief system that he expects nothing from I guess people who wrong him anymore but he's that much more now demanding of people he can trust. We pay for the last wrongdoer and I just can't take it anymore.

I have a younger brother who doesn't help us out either. He's 30 years old he has no job, and he's a shut-in who stays home holed up in his room after he moved back in three years ago. My father expects nothing from him either but me and my sister are the only ones that I feel are being taken advantage of. My father knows my intentions of getting on my feet after I got my nursing degree and then moving out. He knows my intention. I don't deserve a 25 year money problem that honestly should be paid by the one who deserves to pay it.

I feel like the sessions with my therapist has been really helpful and helping me talk to somebody about this because the situation is stressful enough to drive anyone insane. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet I feel sorry for moving out and moving away and having my sister having to deal with that alone and part of me feels like if I just leave that I am being selfish but I know that I'm not because I've been a people pleaser my whole life where I only was nice to people because I was afraid of being abandoned and I feel like that trait about me is being exploited because they know that if they get me to say so and to commit to something that they can count on me to see it through the end and now because they think they've got me to commit to it they're being happier and more confident and being a very sort of charismatic self because they think that I'm just going to be caught in the wind with the debt, but that's not my intentions and that's not what I want and I want to have a conversation about it but I know when you're dealing with a dysfunctional narcissist, things will go left because they do not want to hear what you have to say and I just feel like I'm in a bind. Anyway, it helps to just put this on here and talk about it thanks for listening to this long rant.

[Cat of the Canals]

I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet I feel sorry for moving out and moving away and having my sister having to deal with that alone and part of me feels like if I just leave that I am being selfish

I have this thought sometimes about my brother and my dad. That I'm "leaving" them to take the brunt of my mother's abuse. But the truth is, I WISH they would get the distance I have. If I could somehow wave a magic wand and make them see the truth, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But it doesn't work like that. They are grown adults, free to make their own choices. And they've chosen to stay mired in the dysfunction.