A narcissist?

[Conejo]

Hi everyone!

I apologize for the long post 

I hope all of you are staying safe. I finally gathered up the courage to post this in hopes of gaining some clarity. I’m not sure if I was dating a narcissist or just an insecure person. Please keep in mind that this was my first relationship and had no experience in the world of dating. I have a temper when pushed and I can be hard headed. I have faults and I’m resistant, I’m not sure if all of this was a challenge for my EX partner. Throughout the relationship it did feel like something was wrong but I didn’t have the courage to leave. Mostly because I deeply cared for this person and also because he played the victim very well. He made it seemed like he was lonely, with no friends. So a lot of times this stopped me from leaving. I didn’t want to leave him alone knowing that he had no friends. The few that he had were focused on their lives and would rarely contact him, others stopped contact with him when he got into the relationship with me.

I was in a romantic relationship for 6 years. The first few months were amazing, kinda. It started with love bombing, which it seemed a little annoying to me at first especially since I had never been in a relationship. It included constant texting (all day), quality time (every day we had off) and constantly trying to fulfill my needs. The first red flag came on the exact same day we made 4 months together. My friend had an emergency and called me for support because she didn’t know what to do was afraid, I also had texts from EX claiming he had a migraine.
I ended up going to see my friend. I texted EX to inform him of the situation and to let him know that I was going to be late. My EX didn’t like that I was attending to my friend and began to claim that he was not feeling well (he suffered from migraines and headaches). EX seemed more worried about how long I planned on staying to help my friend than on what she was going through. I ended up leaving my friend’s house after a few hours and met with EX. I was mad and EX knew it, yet played me with the following comment “I was just wondering, who would you visit first if your friend or I were both hospitalized”. In my head this comment was out of hand and I honestly didn’t comprehend how someone could come up with that comment when both situations were completely different. EX proceeded to start crying and I didn’t know what else to do but to console him. For some reason, I always replay this story in my head, maybe because now I realize that this was the time where I needed to end things.

I hadn’t realize it but the months and years after that were all about alienating me from my friends and family. I’m shy and reserved so I didn’t have many friends to begin with, just a small circle. All of my friends had their own lives so seeing them was near impossible. We would see each other a few times a year. However, the few times that we would meet, I had to pay attention to EX’s text messages because he would feel “down” if I wasn’t paying attention to him, his excuse was that he had no friends (never showed interest in meeting mine, and I would often feel like he would judge them). The day of fun I was having would turn into anxiety inducing, guilt and arguments. I began to feel conflicted and guilty because I knew it wasn’t supposed to feel like this and I also felt like I wasn’t doing enough in the relationship. One time EX went as far as making plans for us on the day I had already agreed to meet with a friend, only for the plans to get canceled once I got to his house. I slowly began to withdraw from my friends or felt guilty for seeing them. Same thing with my family. EX expected me to spend all of my free time with him or to be in his home even if he wasn’t there. I stopped visiting family members because I didn’t want to cause arguments and be questioned about how long I intended to be with my family. It’s funny now that I think of it. I have a temper and EX is very laidback, so all arguments were started by me while he just listened and played the victim only for me to feel guilty later in the day for having started an argument.

Looking back, it felt like I was walking on eggshells. I had to be careful how I acted and how I said things. Conversations and plans were one sided. Things I wanted to do always took a backseat to what EX had planned, yet I was made to feel guilty for not putting effort into the relationship. If for any reason EX’s plans had to be postponed because I wasn’t feeling well, that was a problem and he would hit me with the “I should stop having high expectations”. Music and TV shows, it was always what EX wanted to see or watch. I was just there to give him company and to listen to what he wanted to say. If I tried to give my two cents, the conversation would quickly switch to what he wanted to talk about.

I’m not sure if EX is starved for attention or what the purpose behind it was but, he used to make up stories of others flirting with him. I ignored the stories at first because as my partner he had my trust. I just listened to the stories but never gave a jealous reaction until one time I saw he was looking for someone specific on his social media that apparently had been flirting with him. This made me question EX, if he was interested in the person or why the curiosity to look for them online. I confronted him about it but apparently the situation was fake. There was no person flirting with him and he was just looking for an account to add to his story. I still don’t know what to make of this. 

EX eventually met some friends and his attention was shifted towards them. I was happy for him and in a way I felt some type of freedom and relief. I didn’t know that the time for me to be discarded was approaching. His entire day consisted of communicating with his friends. I always thought it was funny and ironic because if it had been me texting my friends for the entirety of the day, it would have been a problem. I was happy for him nonetheless. At first I didn’t mind it because I was finally getting some time for myself and I didn’t have to feel guilty for not giving him attention 24/7. I began to feel resentment when it became obvious that I had taken a backseat to his friends but still expected me to drop what I was doing and be available to him when his friends were busy.

He ended up meeting someone while he was still with me. EX didn’t know that I was aware that he had been cheating with this person. I ignored it, it was difficult to do, but I wanted to see how far he was willing to take it. He didn’t disappoint. He took it far. When he finally ended things, he made sure to let me know that it wasn’t my fault that things ended, while also letting me know that he felt manipulated in the relationship and that I wasn’t giving enough and also that I made him feel like he couldn’t have friends. But he still wanted me to be part of his life and wanted to remain friends because he was going to miss me. EX also wanted to hide the other person from me but was parading them to his friends when the other person wanted to keep it a secret. When I finally had enough I ended up reaching out to the other person. I’m not sure what type of person that made me but in his mind I was the worst because now he was going to be lonely because he had lost two important people in a day.

It ended up being a mess. In a way, I already had an idea of the type of person EX was but I didn’t want to admit it to myself. I also wanted to prevent him from reaching out to me again. I forgave him a lot of times and overlooked things that I shouldn’t have. I knew that even though it had been a mess, if he tried looking for me, trying to fix things I would forgive him again. I ended up doing what I thought was best at the moment and behaved like the person he was making me out to be. He hated this because he no longer felt in control and was afraid I would ruin his reputation. He and his friends blocked me.

I recently noticed that he began to play the block/unblock game with me (almost two years after the relationship ended). I’m not sure with what purpose. It did give me curiosity to see what EX was up to and all I saw was someone that is starved for attention. I was thinking of just blocking him but my accounts are private. I did receive some unwanted friend requests though. I’m not sure if he still wants to play mind games but if he is, I’m going to let him play them on his own.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi and welcome, Conejo!

A lot of what you describe are certainly common behaviors for narcissistic people (who are also highly insecure). The push-pull cycle, playing the victim, isolating you, all are very familiar to folks on this board. If you have not yet looked at the main site, check out the "What it Feels Like" section: https://outofthefog.website/what-it-feels-like

I think you will recognize a lot of those dynamics!

[Conejo]

Hi Cordelia,

Thank you for your reply. I've been looking a lot into the topic of NPD and have identified a lot of those characteristics in my previous partner. I was recently able to identify another characteristic which is being jealous of others. He is very smart and gets the attention from others because of it however, he feels threaten or jealous when others do better than him. At first I thought that this was a normal reaction, but now that I think of it, it wasn't. He would go as far as trying to sabotage the other person. I'm glad I found this site, I think it will help me move forward with my life. I have felt stuck for the last two years. Thanks again

[1footouttadefog]

I was thinking yes a total narc at migraine when you needed to see the friend.  The rest of the story was yes, yes and yes from there.

I have learned that a lack of friends and being totally available from the beginning of a friendship or romantic relationship either one or both is a huge red flag.

We'll adjust people have friends, a job, hobbies, family, maybe even church or civic activities as well.  They have cars to vaccum and laundry and yard work.

They are typically not able to text all day and demand full in attention. 

The need it desire to be fully enmeshed is not healthy.  Some nons are programmed to accept and even seek this because they were trained by people with pds in their lives that it's normal and expected.

I would encourage you to read here and learn more to put what you experienced into perspective and live the healing lessons about pds .  This will make you stronger and less vulnerable to them in the future. 

I hope you find a path to better circumstances and friends and much less abuse.  Be strong and take care of you.

[Conejo]

Hi 1footouttadefog,

Thank you for your reply and for your words of encouragement. I found it difficult to admit to myself. The relationship ended two years ago and just a few months ago I came across the topic of narcissism. I ended up visiting other pages trying to gather more info and ended up buying some books on the topic as well. i guess I was looking for something that would make me say "no, he is not a narcissist", but as i kept looking and learning on the topic the more he began to fit the description of someone with NPD.