Bad idea?

[Falsebalance]

So uNPDh is on a love bombing cycle.

All this because his boss (whom he devalued and made fun of for eating out of the palm of his hand but is now the hero/mentor) mentioned he should watch a corny movie and (basically) love bomb me until I decided not to leave.

He realized he pushed me much farther than he ever has before - but I'm not sure he knows just how far.

But then he said he needs to work on himself first for months before he will be ready to be around us more.  not through counseling...but losing weight. He slipped and blamed me again for his weight gain and I spoke the truth that it is no way my fault and he had issues before we ever met.

I can't truly be done with him because I have three kids...but I'm done putting them through this back and forth junk.
Although he admitted in an honest moment he can't handle them and would just defer to me when he got to see them and could only handle small increments.

He asked that I give him 6 months and if I still want to leave then I *can.*

When I asked why NOW he is meeting one of my demands to stop financially abusing me - his reason? "OH. Because it'll be good for *me*" he said he doesn't trust me and so needs to learn. But something is off to me that he smirked and said it would he good for HIM. I think what if he is planning something? A trap?

I don't trust him.  And he has been MIA as always - now his thing is once he hits a target weight at the gym he thinks this will allow for more clarity of thought and more energy to *handle* us.

He has started asking me questions I answered two years ago and I thought wow he is so forgetful....then I think....*NO* he is trying to get me to second guess myself and gaslighting. He is trying to break down my beliefs and my confidence in them because that is what gave me this new (rickety still) backbone.

I don't know why I can't always see it for what it is. It makes no logical sense to treat me this way. Maybe that is why.

My thoughts I'm entertaining is staying honest yet wise. While he is feeling so generous to meet my demands during the love bombing...would I be remiss to have him his words "prove himself to me," by setting me up for a peaceful exit should <when> he threatens me with divorce again?

Maybe this is too rational and maybe it would get me back on the devalue train.... a child's birthday is his next day off and I'm dreading playing happy the whole day.

I looked into cptsd and there is a small chance he is not NPD but more codependent and cptsd avoidant. Either way - the children and I are suffering under his rule. His rule of the moods.

Wouldn't it be boundary setting I can maintain if I said I want to do xyz and if you threaten me again I will do xyz and leave?

I thought I might propose we move to a different area in the state as we can't afford to live separately here. If we moved - we could split the down-payment and move into our own homes and he can transfer easily.

I just don't think his ego can handle what I would require to stay with him....and maybe that's why I'm so tense.

1. He has a way to step down and have more stable hours conducive to running a family and being involved. Right now he thoroughly enjoys his chaotic living and schedule. This makes it impossible for him to be both in good shape AND maintain a family. It would be a pay cut. Ego bust. I would make more than he does. But he would be free to pick up side jobs and get out of the toxic environment he is currently in (but seems to enjoy. He is a bully if he dislikes someone and if he likes them they love him).

2. Move to a more affordable area in the state...so if his 6 month plan fails we can both afford separate housing and would be in a positive equity. We have no attachments here - only his ego is attached to living here because it makes him feel successful. He looks down on all other cities in the state. His sports teams are here and he has a really bizarre connection to "his" team.

3. Let me have my own car in only my name. Even if this means the payments are slightly higher. (Bad idea?) I want to be able to leave asap if he threatens divorce again or fights in front of the kids.

4. Absolutely no fighting in front of the children or picking on them. When they say "STOP" he needs to listen to that.

5. I'm not sure if this is a good idea - but filing together for a separation so we can "work on ourselves" since he is into working on himself right now - I would also like time to work on myself (and have boundaries of my own home and my own sanity and hours and etc...)

Then the other part of me says are you crazy? Do you really want him at home MORE?! Don't suggest the job change.

I'm just wondering if there is a way to appeal to his ego to move someplace smaller have his own place and see the kids on his days off. He doesn't want us anyway - he just can't stand how it would look if he wasn't involved with the kids at least sometimes.

I'm so exhausted 😩

[notrightinthehead]

If you want any change, I suggest you stop trying to change him and start working on yourself.  Forget about changing him all together.  Respect that he is as he is, might always be that way - might talk about changing but do not put your trust in it or make your decisions depending on his changing.
If he is PD,  telling him your plans will be counterproductive. Any moves that will make you more independent and allow you to leave and implement boundaries are beneficial for you. So anything you can do to make your and your kids' lives better, more independent from the chaos will help. 
You might want to make a short, medium and long term plan - all of them independent of his moves. Study the Toolbox! Implement the strategies. And enjoy the love bombing stage. Good luck!

[SonofThunder]

Hi Falsebalance,

Im so sorry you are experiencing the revolving hamster wheel of the idealize, devalue, discard cycle.  My decades of experience with my uPDw has taught me that she cannot change, because she has an underdeveloped mind; a disordered mind.  I do not believe that therapy, meds, self-help attempts can ever 'develop' a PD from being disordered. 

Once I became aware of the cycle, I personally did not enjoy the the idealization (love-bombing) attempts because I know they are totally fabricated to hoover, gain compliance (or else devalue occurs again) and prolong me remaining on the cycle. 

Therefore, if I were you, I would personally choose for myself to get off the cycle altogether.  I can only do that by separation/divorce because the legal strings of marriage allow for control and manipulation attempts through adult and legal married rights.  For a variety of logistical reasons, I am not revolving in the cycle, but residing patiently in the discard phase, while my uPDw attempts periodic idealization and devaluation to try and jump-start me back on the cycle, which i refuse.  Therefore, when those idealize, discard attempts never pan-out, she quickly settles back into full discard until she attempts another jump-start. 

Both my children are married adults.  In hindsight, If they were young and still in the home, i would rescue them away from having to deal with, and be conditioned to, the very confusing existence and parental relationship with a PD parent. 

You wrote:

" I can't truly be done with him because I have three kids...but I'm done putting them through this back and forth junk.  Although he admitted in an honest moment he can't handle them and would just defer to me when he got to see them and could only handle small increments." 

That statement right there is, imo, the most important piece of information in your post. The reason for my opinion, is that as an adult with rights, i have choices to improve my own personal life.  But my non-adult children cannot exercise those same legal rights for themselves, so their protection is my full priority and responsibility, regardless of any hardship I may face by choosing what is best for them. 

I came out of the F.O.G. too late to make those choices for my children's benefit.  But for those here who have the opportunity and PD knowledge earlier, I highly recommend full protection of the children be put before personal marital relationship desires. 

SoT

[Falsebalance]

That statement right there is, imo, the most important piece of information in your post. The reason for my opinion, is that as an adult with rights, i have choices to improve my own personal life.  But my non-adult children cannot exercise those same legal rights for themselves, so their protection is my full priority and responsibility, regardless of any hardship I may face by choosing what is best for them. 

I came out of the F.O.G. too late to make those choices for my children's benefit.  But for those here who have the opportunity and PD knowledge earlier, I highly recommend full protection of the children be put before personal marital relationship desires. 

SoT

Thanks, SOT. I greatly value your input!

Now that I'm awake I greatly resent the love bombing. It's hollow and manipulative and only an attempt to get me relaxed and therefore spilling out the contents of my mind.

I'm confused and hurt by the behavior as an adult - and I know how it feels to be the child. It's worse.

From everything I've been told from a legal and biblical standpoint - the best possible outcome is HE leaves...so I'm giving a bit of time to see if this can happen before I pull the rip cord.

So I'm trying to set myself up during the love bombing so that I am as independent as possible. And I'm setting up a life for the kids and getting us on a schedule- which means they only see him a few days a week and I'm there when he is around so I can help them recover when he leaves for work again.

I think he may get so bored by us that the next devalue cycle he may actually leave - and that is when I can act.

My state is very 50/50 with children and finances - so I'm actively trying to get out of the situation- just trying to do it slowly and as boring as possible....having the children be as boring as possible as well (so far I have always let them enjoy the perks of his spontaneous trips and field trips....but now I'm able and building up confidence while he is away working to do these things with the kids myself at more appropriate times...and they have started telling him 'no thanks' more often when he swoops in - and he is getting increasingly bored. I've taught them to say STOP.

It's like when they say if a dog is coming toward you - do not run or you'll activate their instinct to chase you.  I'm trying to give the kids their own toolbox too.

[Falsebalance]

If you want any change, I suggest you stop trying to change him and start working on yourself.  Forget about changing him all together.  Respect that he is as he is, might always be that way - might talk about changing but do not put your trust in it or make your decisions depending on his changing.
If he is PD,  telling him your plans will be counterproductive. Any moves that will make you more independent and allow you to leave and implement boundaries are beneficial for you. So anything you can do to make your and your kids' lives better, more independent from the chaos will help. 
You might want to make a short, medium and long term plan - all of them independent of his moves. Study the Toolbox! Implement the strategies. And enjoy the love bombing stage. Good luck!

Thank you NRITH.

Sound advice. I find the plans keep changing as I learn and adapt/evolve the more I wake up and the less FOG-groggy I become.

Which part would you say is me trying to change him?  The hours?

I'm trying to get healthier and I didn't think I was trying to change him - just requesting some healthier options.

I think you may be right that revealing too much of any plan allows for sabotage.



Oh and to both you and SOT

I'm do grateful to be waking up now.

Thanks for extending your time to me.

I still have some fleas I'm working on. Sincerely appreciate you all!

[SonofThunder]

Falsebalance,

You are surely welcome. 😊. 

Each person's PD situation is different because of the myriad of variables involved.  But the traits, definitions, toolbox and procedures here to assist us, are a great overarching framework in which we may use to gain more certainty of what we face, increase knowledge and practice in techniques to assist, and design protective boundaries for ourselves and those people, animals and assets in the sphere of our responsibility. 

Im so happy to read that you are finding yourself steadily coming Out of the FOG and gaining clarity on your unique situation, developing a plan to improve the lives of yourself and your children, and at the same time, allowing adults to be adults; each responsible for our own actions, reactions and therefore potential outcomes. 

My thoughts and prayers for you for continued progress with your goals for you and your children.

SoT

[1footouttadefog]

Sounds to me like he is full of BS. 

Needing to move out so he can lose weight and go to the gym? 

He talks about staying together but wants separation in the same conversation.  He then clearly assigns parenting to you and wants visitation.

This does not sound like a family man working on keeping his family together.

As far as the grin, look up "duper's delight" if you are not familiar with it already  It might apply here.

[Falsebalance]

Sounds to me like he is full of BS. 

Needing to move out so he can lose weight and go to the gym? 

He talks about staying together but wants separation in the same conversation.  He then clearly assigns parenting to you and wants visitation.

This does not sound like a family man working on keeping his family together.

As far as the grin, look up "duper's delight" if you are not familiar with it already  It might apply here.

Wow yes dupers delight! I looked it up!

 

I do think he is full of BS. What is wrong with me that I find that so hard to believe after years and years and years?

I'm using the love bombing to get a few things I needed to happen for the kids and myself...

He actually lit on the moving idea...but then he said "because I know you're not happy *here*"

Then I said never mind. Let's stay here. I told him I'm not happy here because of the life we have together not necessarily the location.

He just said "Yeah. We will see."

As in he thinks he can pull of this big 'change' and then we will all be happy. But his big change he is still at the root of it.

So many things are jumping out to me the more I wake up.  He has to be the center of attention everywhere we go. He isn't as obvious as others in my life so I missed it before. It's feigned humility and then cons people into giving him free things.

Painful to turn that inward and realize that's what he does with me. Feigns humility and cons me out of what he wants. And tries to keep his costs low.