Out of the FOG Conversation

[athene1399]

SD21 brought up parental alienation the other day. She wants to go for family law and in one of her classes she said they were discussing parental alienation. She said that as the professor explained it, she realized that it happened to her. I asked how that felt realizing that. SD said that she felt guilty and stupid for letting BPD BM trick her and essentially use her. SO and I explained to SD that we never blamed her for anything and there's no way she could have known what was going on at the time. I also explained that when we look back on traumatic things from our childhood in general, we are reflecting back with our adult brain when at the time we only had the mental capacity of a child brain. I reminded her that kids think differently than adults and her reflecting back now as an adult means she is seeing the situation differently. I think we also reiterated that BM was in the wrong and not SD as she was a child at the time. I also encouraged her to discuss this with her T (on a side note, she has a new T and is no longer seeing the T who was friends with BM).

SD still sees BM, but it isn't as frequent as it used to be. She says she uses a lot of boundaries with her. I couldn't imagine how any of this must feel for her. SD says it has made her more grateful for SO and I, recognizing what was really going on. She said she appreciates all we did and knows that when the alienation was occurring, it must have been difficult yet we were still there for her.

I wanted to share in case this is helpful for anyone else.

[Boat Babe]

What a difficult conversation for a young person to have. I think you both handled it brilliantly. It says a lot about your parenting, both you and SO. Good work!

[athene1399]

Thank you, boat babe!

[Penny Lane]

That is amazing!

[verum71]

It's interesting to hear that the connection was made as an adult at 21.  I have 3 kids with my BPDex - my oldest is 22 and is touching on this with his therapist as well.  Unfortunately my youngest is still 14 and is in the throes of it. 

[athene1399]

I am sure there are times where connections aren't made. DS happened to be in a class that discussed the topic and felt "this feels familiar ". I think as she grew up she know things weren't quite right with BPDBM but wasn't entirely sure what was goin on. When she had her wisdom teeth removed at 18 she asked if she could recover at our place when at the time she was primarily staying with BM. So like SD didn't trust her to take care of her when needed even though she spent the most time there. I think she spent more time than she wanted to in the past with BM due to fearing her reaction if she didn't. I think SD learned about boundaries in therapy and have been continuing to implement them when she feels it is necessary.

[verum71]

Athene - you stated that "I think she spent more time than she wanted to in the past with BM due to fearing her reaction if she didn't."  That seems to be the crux of the problem with a borderline parent.