Summer schedule drama

[gfuertes]

About a month ago, I reached out to Ex about our schedule this month, which has 5 weekends: 
#1 & 2 = Spring break (It's my year.) 
#3 = Easter (It's my year.) 
#4 & 5 = Scout leadership camp (2 consecutive weekends)

I realize that next year Ex will get spring break and Easter (although they probably won't be back-to-back again;) and S14 will be away from both parents, during camp.  But I knew Ex's knee-jerk reaction would be, "GFuertes is keeping S14 from me for 5 weekends!"  I try to be fair... because it's right, and to prevent Ex getting so mad about S14's Scouting that he fights it.  So I offered Ex either one weekend of spring break, or Easter weekend.  On Easter Saturday, S14 has an important appointment that can't easily be rescheduled, which could interfere with Ex traveling to visit his older son that weekend, if that's his plan.  But I got no response, all March.

April 1st was the deadline for Ex to unilaterally set our summer schedule (from choices in our state Guidelines.)  Although he got all upset about missing the deadline last year, he skipped it this year, too - presumably because the work involved took me 2 hours, which Ex is not going to invest!  I  told him, since it's already spring break and he never responded, I will keep S14 the whole break, but Ex can still have Easter weekend.  We just need to confirm how S14 will get to his appointment.

I sent him the fruit of my labors, around noon.  Around 7:30pm he began texting me for 2 hours, still never confirming whether he'll take Easter weekend, and whether (assuming he will) he's OK taking S14 to his appointment.  Instead, Ex wanted to debate whether S14 really needs to go to the leadership camp.  I said the time to debate that was a month ago, when I brought it up.  Now I've paid for it, and it's imminent. 

Then he obsessed about how I screwed up, not including our son's monthly Scout camping trip, for May.  It's still being scheduled, and the date isn't set in stone yet.  I reminded him that I had just offered to give up my holiday, to be fair to him.  So I can be relied upon to also be fair, if the May campout ends up being on his weekend.  He mansplained to me that it was already scheduled, and is on his weekend.  I took the bait and revealed that I'm the one in charge of planning the May campout, so I'm certain that it's not finalized yet. 

Naturally, that led to Ex excoriating the entire troop for being incompetent (because of me) - which is why he'd like S14 to switch to a "superior" troop - and he blamed S14 for giving him the wrong info about the May campout.  (Of course, Ex can get all the same info as S14 and me, from the troop website, for himself, if he bothered.)  Finally, he said he was with his poor girlfriend, who was experiencing a family crisis that was far too important for him to keep taking up his time with this stuff, so I will have to wait for him to get back to me when he does have time.

He wants me to feel like our schedule isn't set, until he chooses to grace me with his attention.  But once he missed the deadline, he doesn't have a right to object to the schedule I set, provided I followed the Guidelines, which I did.  He can either take Easter, or not.  He can get S14 to his appointment, or let me take him, or I'll talk someone into doing me a favor, by letting S14 make it up.  The world won't end, either way.

Nevertheless, I'm left marveling over what Ex has to do, in his mind, to cope with even something this small: 

• He doesn't want to do the tedious work of scheduling - or isn't good at it - but he also craves control, and not being told what to do.  So he can't bring himself to say, "I know you're usually fair.  You go ahead and make our schedule, if you don't mind."
• Instead, he passive-aggressively "forgets" the deadline "because he's dealing with more important things."  He tells himself what I'm concerned with is trivial... even though he obviously cares about the details.
• Even though he wanted me to make the schedule, once I do he feels scolded and bossed around, and he's not able to talk himself out of that irrational response.
• So he tries to get control.  But I won't revisit whether S14 can go to camp.
• So he tries to make me feel as bad as he does, by scanning my schedule only for mistakes, and dishing out mean criticisms.  But that doesn't provoke an upset response.
• So he throws it in my face that some anonymous woman is a bigger priority to him, than I am - even than his parenting time is.

If he were a toddler, or a 13-year-old, I'd want to give him a hug and try to teach him how to handle things better.  Since he's an adult, I want to give my former self a hug, and apologize for how many years I spent, letting her feel responsible for healing what's screwed up inside of him, and for taking all his harsh criticism, rejection and invalidation to heart; for letting her believe she deserved that; for letting her look to him, for love.  So glad I'm done with that!

[square]

Hi hon, that sounds incredibly frustrating.

I don't have an ex but I do have a husband who is close to nonfunctional and cannot be relied upon. I've definitely experienced trying to plan and then having his failure to act be placed back on me.

I've learned that if I am offering him some choice, I always specify a default and say that if he wants the other choice he should let me know by x date (and if there are otherprerequisites, like rearranging an appointment, that also is clearly specified and due by the same date).

Now, that doesn't remotely increase his planning. His behavior does not change. What it does is it allows me to drop the rope. So when he complains that something isn't fair, I can just shrug. If it was important to him he could have dealt with it. He gave me his answer (by not replying = my default choice was acceptable to him) and if he changed his mind that isn't fair to me, so I'm not going to worry about it.

The key really is to stop engaging. We naturally want to explain ourselves and make them realize how ridiculous they are being. But you know what? They have a right to think what they want. Think we're not fair, etc. We're not going to change their minds. We're not going to change their behavior.

So just offer a default, a clear option and deadline and any related tasks to change the default, and let THEM deal with the stress of how unfair we are. Not try to defuse or solve or explain or make them see. Just accept they are mad, whatever, not your problem.

[Penny Lane]

I'm sorry! We've seen alllll this. You did your ex a huge, huge favor by offering to give up a weekend, and he jerked you around and made your life miserable.

You didn't do anything wrong, in fact, you were a kind and generous coparent.

But. I suggest being less kind and generous in the future because now you know he will react badly.

DH's rule is no trades, ever, and he doesn't give up parenting time to his ex. If she goes out of town, he will take the kids, but he won't give them up. She doesn't like this, but it is so so so much easier than being jerked around like what you just described.

My other suggestion is along the lines of square. You send one communication, with a deadline for response, and then you TELL HIM what you will do in either scenario. BIFF is great here.

For example, you could lay out the five weekends issue. Ask if he wants to have DS for Easter weekend with the understanding that he will need to get him to the appointment. If you don't hear by X date, you will plan to keep DS and get him to the appointment.

In this case there were too many variables, he couldn't handle working with you in multiple ways.

Like I said we wouldn't make this offer anyway, but this strategy is very helpful for smaller things that need to be coordinated.

I'm sorry that you don't have reasonable coparent that you can work with. You are very apt that it's like a toddler or a teenager. And yes, your past self deserves all the hugs!

[hhaw]

(((G))). You're a terrific parent modeling healthy coping strategies for your son.

Good on you!