Does my mother have a disorder? How can I deal with it?

[Dmeasures]

So at the turn of the year after i told my mother about my girlfriend (who she strongly disapproves of for no good reason apart from her physical appearance), she has been extremely volatile and toxic. She has random mood swings and she gets uncontrollably angry when I tell her I'm out with my girlfriend, over at her place or if I'm spending the night at her place. She waited for me to come home one night at 2am and started shouting at me, waking the entire family up. She has also called me at 10pm to demand that i come home immediately after finding out that I was at my girlfriends place.

She was always an overly negative and critical person who lacks social etiquete in certain situations. To her she is just being straightforward and voicing her opinions. However in recent months after finding out about my girlfriend this has increased tenfold and her behavior is extremely unbecoming of not just a mother but as a human being. She started off suggesting that my girlfriend has a poor character and that i was a poor judge of character for choosing her as my girlfriend, but now she has deteriorated to openly insulting my girlfriend (even in her presence), calling her ugly, cheap and now she even calls me disgusting and a pest. I am able to tolerate all these crazy behavior as I've already tried talking to her rationally and logically over the past few months but to no avail. Both my dad and i have asked her to speak to a professional but she refused as she thinks that there's nothing wrong with her or her behavior. We are at our wits end, and we can only hope she just wears herself out. She is unwilling to change or accept other peoples opinions/pov and is just blind to the distress and hurt she is causing me by guilt tripping me and forcing me to live by her standards. She is even trying to control who i meet during my free time, what time i come home and also how frequently i go out.

Just yesterday she locked me out of the house because she was unhappy about me returning home late.
I experience low levels of anxiety when i am at home and I don't feel comfortable in my own house. I am seeking therapy for myself, but im just wondering if all these point towards her having a disorder, and if so how should I deal with living with a parent like this? I don't want to compromise my way of living just for her or so that i won't have to deal with her or her erratic behavior. I would love to move out, but it is just not possible for me at the moment for various reasons, but i am working towards it and i hope to be able to move out on my own soon.

[MIB]

Hello Dmeasures,

Your situation sounds very relatable, except for me it was both my parents who hated my boyfriend, who later became my husband. They were often blatantly hostile towards him and me for having chosen him, and it only got worse over time (especially after we had kids, interestingly).

I am happily married and wanted to stay that way. We went thru family (the 4 of us) counseling and while it helped for a while, they reverted back into old patterns and we ended up vvvvvvvvLC (basically NC). And that was best for my marriage and emotional state - I have no regrets or guilt, and I say that even after my father died unexpectedly last year.

Here's what I learned. They won't change. They aren't capable of it. So if you can't change them, you must change you. That means your living situation ASAP. That means being financially independent. That means living your life without asking or hoping for her permission or blessing (you won't get it).

Honestly, I wish someone would have told me that years ago. I eventually got there (and am very much at peace with it) but would have saved myself a lot of time, effort and turmoil.

Wishing you the best,
MIB

[Andeza]

Whether your mother has a personality disorder or not, this is her behavior and it's not going to go away. I hate to mention Reddit, but I will. It is chock full of people who ignored the nasty things said about their significant other and now years later they realize that the problem parent/s have been insulting and just absolutely abhorrent to their partner/spouse for years right under their noses. So she's not going to change, but it could morph and she could keep it reined in while you are around and treat your girlfriend like dirt when you're not. There are even some who choose to believe the parent/s that the parent/s have never said a nasty thing to the partner ever and the partner is left with no choice but to implement NC with the parent/s and/or divorce their partner just to get some sanity.

You have some big decisions to make, and some very deep soul-searching to do. First, I recommend you take a very, very deep look at your girlfriend with eyes wide open! Looking for any red flags about her behavior. Making sure there's legitimately nothing there to worry about. Once that's done, it's time to turn your scrutiny back to your mother. Use the 100 traits on the main Out of the FOG website to help you study her long-term behavior and find what you believe to be true about her. Then, learn to implement the toolbox. Whether your mother is personality disordered or not they will help you for as long as you need to be in that house. But it's true. It's time to to do everything humanly possible to move out. If that means renting a room in a house with three or four roommates for a season, that might be the answer. Heck, for some of us living in our car or a cardboard box is preferable to living with a person with a personality disorder. If she is, then there's likely a mountain of malfunctioning in the past, during your childhood, that you may have to work through at some point.

Now, if your mother is a pwPD (person with personality disorder) then it's likely she feels like she owns you. She has chosen you to be her caretaker (the lower-functioning ones almost always do this) should anything happen to her primary caretaker (your dad). She is trying to assert that your girlfriend is no good because she doesn't want you to end up tied to another woman by either children or marriage. Hence the freak-out. She has a perfect picture of the future in her mind, and it does not include that girl, nor likely any girl at all unless you were to find a woman that absolutely fawned over your mother and worshipped the ground she walked on. That way she'd have not one, but two parachutes for her old age.

[Dmeasures]

Andeza, some of what you said rings especially true in my situation.

When you said that "She is trying to assert that your girlfriend is no good because she doesn't want you to end up tied to another woman by either children or marriage." This is exactly what she says, but i am very sure that my girlfriend and I both share a common understanding about marriage and children at this point of our relationship. What she is suggesting is that my girlfriend is deliberately trying to get pregnant so that she can tie me down. She also thinks that my girlfriend is making me do these things that she doesn't agree with, that i am being manipulated, and
that my girlfriend is out to antagonize her on purpose. I don't know what else to say except that she is delusional.

I will definitely study the toolbox as you have suggested. I'm still very new to this but I'll try my best to keep my sanity.

[Dmeasures]

MIB, thanks for your response. I am working towards improving the living situation, but this happened quite suddenly, or rather my mother's behavior was somehow subdued before this year as we probably subconsciously realized how to live with her and not to trigger her. It's only recently where it has become intolerable for me. I will look to improve the living situation asap and meanwhile i am putting distance between my mother and i. I feel guilty towards my dad and my sibling for the hostile situation at home, and although i know i did not create this situation, i still feel somewhat responsible for it.

I guess like many people with BPD, they don't see anything wrong with themselves or their actions, so my mother has rejected requests to speak to a professional. I guess it's up to me not to be affected or hurt by her words and actions but as it's still new to me i am still coming to terms with it.

[Hilltop]

I wouldn't know if your mother has a PD however her behaviour sounds very hurtful and rude.  My MIL became hysterical when I married her son.  It was a combination of things, fears about losing him, fears about losing control, menopause, empty nest and she has PD tendencies.  It was a very stressful time.

I would ask your father to have a word with her regarding her behaviour.  She may not listen to you as to her, you are a child not an adult. It may come better from him that she is out of control and needs to go see someone for therapy or medication.  If she is yelling I would learn techniques to remove yourself from the conversation.  You do not need to listen to yelling, shouting, insults etc.  Start putting boundaries in place to show her you will not tolerate this behaviour.

I know you said you cannot move out yet however I would put a plan in place to make this happen as soon as you can.  I wouldn't bring the girlfriend around to your family home.  It is not fair on her to be insulted or treated rudely.  If there is an event that you want her to come to then it must be you who stands up for your girlfriend when your mother insults her.  Do not say nothing or leave it up to your girlfriend to defend herself.  My MIL continued her behaviour unless my husband said something and then she was worried about losing  him.

Perhaps start reading up about boundaries and how to implement them.  If your mother is insulting your girlfriend in a conversation it's ok to tell her to stop.  That you are willing to talk but will not listen to insults. It is not ok that she says these horrible things about your girlfriend behind her back. 

Most important thing is to not react back.  Try not to get emotional or angry when dealing with her.  If you notice you are becoming upset or angry remove yourself from the conversation.  Just say that you want some space to think and will come back to it later.  The toolbox is really helpful and has some really good information.

It is a horrible situation and can cause long term resentments and estrangement in the family.  If you do indeed end up marrying your girlfriend I doubt your mother understands that when children come along the past hurts won't simply be forgotten, it doesn't just get swept under the rug, there are long term implications.  So shield your girlfriend as much as you can.  If your mother chooses to bulldoze this relationship she may find she will have to suffer huge consequences later if it gets to that stage.

[Cat of the Canals]

She also thinks that my girlfriend is making me do these things that she doesn't agree with, that i am being manipulated, and
that my girlfriend is out to antagonize her on purpose. I don't know what else to say except that she is delusional.

My own BPD/NPD mother has called me "brainwashed" when I've had the audacity to disagree with her. She's so used to controlling me that the only way she can fathom me making choices she doesn't approve of is that someone else must be controlling me instead. The notion that I am an independent person seems beyond her comprehension.

It's common for BPD parents to see their children as extensions of themselves instead of separate entities. I think that's where this behavior comes from. To your mother, you doing something she doesn't like is akin to her hand suddenly having a mind of its own.

[moglow]

I can only agree with what's been said above - while this is your home and you're uncomfortable, remember that first it's HER home. Don't be surprised when you get the "my house my rules" conversation, and to some degree that's true. Even as an adult, while you're living on her dime to some extent she's holding a tight rein. People who demand control will take it wherever they can, and controlling home/finances is an easy one. To that end ...

It's time to to do everything humanly possible to move out. If that means renting a room in a house with three or four roommates for a season, that might be the answer.

Yes! You don't have to jump out there into home ownership and I know rent is high pretty much everywhere, but consider other options. Plenty of people are looking for roommates and houseshares, it just takes some doing to pull it together. Everyone starts somewhere and you're not doing that living in her home - there's no shame in making certain concessions while you keep making baby steps to true independence. In the meantime, hone your skills and boost your income, start planning ahead.

If you're financially dependent on your mother in any way other than housing, please work towards cutting those ties. Pay off/don't incur debts with her, and seriously consider closing or abandoning joint accounts and opening bank/credit cards in your name only. You don't want to put yourself in a position where the rug gets pulled out from under you just as you start your own life!

And honestly, knowing her views of your girlfriend, this might be a good time to stop sharing personal information. Yes that's your mother and all that but that doesn't mean she's entitled to know everything - you're still an adult. You can choose to not discuss certain things with her. Period. "Yes ma'am, you've mentioned that before. I'd rather not talk about it anymore." Then DONT, no matter how she pushes, cajoles or threatens. The subject is closed. Period. Whether she "approves" or not, sharing relationship details gives her ammunition for later. Politely but firmly change the subject and keep on changing it. Those outbursts and confrontations serve no one.

The main thing is, be accountable for your own behavior. When she digs deep and gets nasty, don't dig down there with her. When she yells, respond [where/when appropriate] quietly and respectfully. Let her do what she does and try to not fight her or "talk back." Pick up some slack at home, taking care of house or yard work without being asked. Make her look for complaints, while you stand up and do what you know to be the right thing.