How do you forgive yourself for not getting away?

[Freedom35]

I swore when I was 14, and had been abused and discarded by my narcissistic mother, that I would never speak to her again. I really meant it too. But I just wasn't able to keep myself from getting sucked back into her orbit, and I'm fact instead of growing away from her and setting boundaries, I completely fell into her hands and was dependent on her for the next 20 years, well into my adulthood. She successfully got me to completely believe that I was incapable of doing anything without her. She does my taxes and arranges my healthcare as a 35 year old man. How can I forgive myself for allowing this to happen? For not acting on my anger and protecting myself from her?

[Boat Babe]

Slowly I'd say.

Maybe self forgiveness is something you can work on later down the line. Maybe focus on upskilling yourself and finding your own path in life as an independent adult. Is it possible to get external support for yourself as you do this?

Abuse by a parent is just the worst. You are among friends here. And, best of all, there is hope.

[SunnyMeadow]

I should have protected myself from my mother also. It's took until I was in my late 40s to realize what was going on with her. But now that you clearly see what's going on, you can change it and break away from her.

I started working baby steps to stop being enmeshed with my NPD mother. Day by day, I pulled away from her. As BoatBabe said, Slowly. Slowly was the safest way for me.

[donutmoonpanda]

You forgive yourself because a personality disordered person set a trap for you. Over and over again. And ensnared you. It started when you were just a helpless kid. It's not a normal way to be parented. It's not something that's talked about culturally. And when we're talking about a mother? It's a deified role in most places. She set the trap and the world around you didn't help you get out of it. How were you supposed to know what to do? Most people probably can't even wrap their heads around what you experienced. You didn't act on your anger and shove her out of your life because I bet you're a fairly nice, empathetic person. You just gave your love, kindness, and patience to your mom. A perfectly normal thing to do. She just isn't worthy of it.

I also knew I had to get away from my N parents. I got sucked back in over and over. So much I just couldn't even see or understand until I was 38. I rededicate myself to my recovery every day, and so I forgive myself a little more each day.

[Cat of the Canals]

You are not alone. And like donutmoonpanda said, remember that this started when you were a child. She has been conditioning you (brainwashing would be another word for it) since birth. If anything, it's more impressive that you've managed to discover the truth. There are plenty of people who never realize the dysfunction they're trapped with.

[Liketheducks]

Be graceful and gentle with yourself.   You're not alone.   I was in my forties before I saw my mother's piece of the macabre dance she and my abusive father did together.    I THOUGHT I was getting away from my dad.   After all, my mother was the "stable" parent.   I think, as children, we glorify one parent over the other.   Particularly, if there is abuse involved.   I glorified my mother until my 40's.   She's just as flawed and human as my father is.   
I actually felt incredible guilt for leaving.   I moved out the day after my high school graduation, leaving two younger brothers still at home.   I felt horrible that I left them in that chaos.  But, I knew I couldn't save myself if I stayed even for them.   

[M0009803]

I also had an abusive mother growing up, up to about 35 (also male).

The best way I found to get through my internal anger was really diving into the psychology of it all (I am very much a science-based person and I felt I needed to understand the behavioral dynamics of my childhood and what happened to me).   This means you will be doing a lot of reading and introspection.   

Reading this site and the stories of people from all over the world helped me a lot.  You can also use that as a starting point to do more readings about your own specific situation.

[moglow]

How can I forgive myself for allowing this to happen? For not acting on my anger and protecting myself from her?

Two part question, multi-part answer. Many [most?] of us did/do what we did because it's simply what we knew, what we were taught repeatedly from a very young age. We knew the consequences of not following that line. We also knew the consequences of following that line only to find there was a side line we were somehow also expected to know and follow without question. It was a morass of harsh, sometimes brutal consequences with very little in the way of explanation, allowances for humanity or kindness, apologies or forgiveness. Is it really any wonder that we struggle as adults to apply those things to ourselves? We did/do what we know until we learn better. And it's damned hard to learn better when you're isolated from others who don't live that way at all.

We're told over and over again that she's the mother and has complete control over our lives - because as children she really does. No one goes against or questions how a mother chooses to raise or discipline her children unless it's an open obvious extreme. And even if they did question it, the mothers we speak of have a perfectly reasonable explanation - usually involving something along the lines of "s/he lies, you cant believe a word that child says." or "You know that's not how you got that bruise, Timmy! Tell the truth now!" Problem THERE is, that adult is seen as more believable while a child is pushed down and aside yet again. Because they seem to be able to flip it on and off - as a child you want that kind sounding mother, not the one you know you'll see if you don't play along. You'll do and say ANYTHING to keep the second one in check for as long as possible.

You don't have to "act on your anger" to protect yourself from her [assuming by "acting on my anger" implies a return/retaliation of same]. Anger serves a purpose, it gives you a mission and provides choices, it's clear evidence that you know something isn't right. I had a hopeless I'm never going to get out of this anger, while some have a payback kind of anger. My goal was to not be like her i.e. not lashing out in anger and frustration. Being angry at yourself provides the question "why am I angry and how can I fix it?" Then you can look at the steps ahead.

I say all this to say that I can absolutely see how you'd get where you are. Getting OUT is harder as we grow older, but it's still doable. My "out" was knowing I wasn't going to depend on someone else to provide my housing etc in exchange for putting up with abuse, and knowing I couldn't depend on that woman for anything beyond what served her in any given moment. I didn't want to wallow in that godawful feeling so I kept making steps towards NOT having her control in any area of my life. The few times I borrowed money from her, I paid it back ahead of any/everyone else. I robbed Peter to pay Paul and remove her hooks. I refused a number of offers from her for that same reason. It could have been a huge help at the time but the ultimate price wasn't worth it.

I think you forgive yourself by admitting you did the best you had available within you at the time. Set goals, make plans, take baby steps and move to take care of yourself! Instead of saying "I need this/that" make the calls and learn to take care of it yourself. If she tries to take over anyway, NO. You need to know how it's done so you can do it next time. If you need to pay someone to do something, work through that process as well. Some will take advantage, others won't. Ask for recommendations from people you know and learn as you go.
You CAN detach but you have to do that work.