Birthday blues

[Liketheducks]

Our son turns 18 today.   Super proud of him.   He's getting his pilot's license, has recently been accepted to university for aerospace engineering with scholarships, and he a grounded kind young man.   

The one thing he asked was to gather the family (my FOO) for a dinner.  It is hard for me to do this, as I never know what version I'm going to get.   I don't want my discomfort to taint his relationships with them.   He gets it.   But, he is also missing that warm feeling of family.    And, my husband's family - who we adore and we are so much more healthy - are all overseas.    So, I do feel inclined to sometimes just suck it up for son's sake.    Invited mom, she politely declined, saying that she'll be out of town visiting a sick brother.   Invited my brother and his family.   Confirmed with them yesterday.   This morning I received a text with them bowing out.   They're suddenly sick.   
Honestly, they all could be telling the truth.....but my gut and experience tells me that it is all a lie.    They don't want to come because I'm no longer filling the role that mom expects me to.    And, they'll punish a great kid to get to me.   

Kiddo is inviting extra friends.   We're going to make it a great celebration no matter.   Just really frustrating.   

[SunnyMeadow]

Pilot's license and aerospace engineering with scholarships at 18!! Amazing and so accomplished at such a young age. 

I understand your frustration, lucktheducks. I'm sorry they're punishing your son and you too with their actions. So petty but sadly, par for the course. Enjoy the celebration anyway and I'm guessing it just might be a better time with the extra friends instead of your FOO.

[Liketheducks]

Oh.....it's totally family drama related.   Suddenly, my mom isn't out of town....but able to come.   I guess my brother's family is in the doghouse right now.   Now, I'm just shaking my head and laughing at the absurdity of it all.   

[sunshine702]

The son celebrating an achievment just wanted a nice big family meal and instead of focusing on that it has to about THEM and who is IN and who is OUT.   

Yep that sounds like Crazymaking Family.  Good on you guys that you are laughing it off and roling with the punches.  Enjoy.

[Hilltop]

Your son has accomplished so much and you must feel so proud of what he has achieved.  It sounds like your family may be a little disappointed by his accomplishments, don't you know the SG's suppose to fail. 

I would think your mom is now coming and maybe expecting to see the fallout from the family drama.  I would welcome her happily and enjoy the celebrations.  The family tried to dampen his celebrations but that isn't going to happen.  I'm sure the celebrations will be extra nice with people attending that want to be there and that are genuinely happy for him.

I would not mention the family drama or your brother not attending.  If your mother brings it up I would simply say "Yes it's a shame he couldn't come and he has missed out on a great night.  Hopefully he feels better soon".  Live it up and celebrate, leave the drama with them.

Have fun and congratulations to your son on his achievements.

[nanotech]

Congratulations to your wonderful, clever son! Happy Birthday to him!  Congratulations to you too!
My heart goes out to you regarding your FOO. I've had  much the same experience with my FOO, since I stopped playing the role they had assigned me years and years ago.
Also the same, my husband's family are wonderful, not PDs , but contact is often limited because they live overseas.  When they do visit, FOO have found excuses to keep away then too.  Hubby's family  treat me with respect and love and compassion you see -it's just too much for FOO to see their scapegoat treated thus!
I no longer invite them when hubby's family come. They say nothing because it suits them to blank the whole thing.
Even when I was still in the fog, any successes I had were ignored.
There were quite a few years growing up, where things were tricky for me. Some of this was the result of the low self esteem I had developed.
But as I married ( marriage not approved of) and had my own family, I became happier and more confident in life. They were grumpy about this, even this. It didn't fit into their narrative. 
My having ANYTHING to celebrate is seen as an affront to their esteem!  In order for the family system to feel secure to them, I basically had to fail, and keep failing.
So our successes and celebrations, in my view, become a sort of threat to them. It's the opposite of how healthy families feel.
I've had family parties ( 21st, Christmas) new jobs, new qualifications, and even new grandchildren, ignored. They can't even bear it if I get a new hobby. 

The spurning of the grandchildren really hurt. I'd been so different when my older sister became a grandparent.  But after that, I realised I was wasting my time. I really don't need their approval or their involvement. You don't either!
Have a great time celebrating with your son and his friends!  I agree with hilltop on how  to handle mum. And remember, you have to keep mingling, so keep the mum chats short and superficial.

[Liketheducks]

I'm so proud of the young man our son has become.     Funnily enough, Mom stayed just the minimum.   Left before the check came.   Son enjoyed her company.   I didn't play the game.   She had a few super defensive moments, which I met with.....what do you think?   My BFF was on the other side of her.   Unfortunately, BFF does NOT get it.   Lives in a world where all parents make their children loved and safe.   She engaged more than I did.   They hadn't seen each other in awhile.     
Now, girding my loins for the graduation coming in a month?     Will ask son who he really wants there, and proceed from there.