Standing up to our abusers (ERW's story)

[mary_poppins]

Hi all.

There has been almost a year (or more) since I'm following Evan Rachel Wood's story of abuse. She is now trying to put her abuser in jail BUT, her abuser is famous and has a huge group of toxic followers who even threatened Wood's life. In spite of these horribe threats, Wood is continuing to raise awareness against emotional and sexual abuse. She even made a documentary (I haven't watched it yet but it's on my list) that documents all her abuses (they're truly horrific).

Well, watching her talk so bravely inspires me to ALSO do something and stand up to my own abusers. I guess me standing up to my own abusers means saying 'It's enough, you're done' and walk away. I'm really close to doing that and Wood's story sediments my NC decision.
I believe that walking away from a toxic family is like saying 'Abuse is wrong and you should pay for what you have done! you need to be accountable for your actions. That's the way the world works.'

NC is like forcing the PDs to becoming accountable even though they won't just say 'OK, I've abused you, I'm sorry.' But I guess accountability for a PD person can also be in the form of cutting their source of supply (which is the victim) and making sure they will have no access to it for the rest of their lives.

Someone here said that when you force the PD to be accountable for their abuse, you actually help them-some PDs who are on the milder side may realize that it's wrong what they've done and who knows, they make change a bit. But, staying in any kind of contact with these people helps nobody. It doesn's help us and it doesn't help them either. Staying in contact just perpetuates the generational trauma and even encourages it-and that is damaging.

Of course, the PD will throw tantrums when you take their 'toy' away. In Evan's case, her abuser threatened to harm himself and kill himself but that's on them. No one is ever responsible for the abuser's feelings and actions. The victim did right by escaping the abuser, by taking herself out of the dangerous situation. Don't let yourself fall prey to the abuser's threats of harming themselves or becoming ill because you left. It's just a manipualtion tactic which should be ignored.

Anyway, that's what I wanted to say. NC is a way of standing up to bad people and evil energies. It's not done for other reasons (to punish or hurt someone)-and, with the right resources, it can be healing and life-changing.

BTW, if this topic doesn't belong here, you can move it. I wasn't sure where to post it.

MaryP

[nanotech]

I think NC  is often viewed by PDs as The Silent Treatment.
When I went NC my FOO went along for a while. They believed  I was trying to punish them, and while  officially I'm sure they they didn't like the change,
it nevertheless followed the narrative of our family system. It gave them supply for gossip and criticism.  There was also the  sheer enjoyment they gained from having upset me so much, that I'd ceased communication.

For.A. While.


Or so they thought.

They were so familiar with this temporary form of punishment. It's what THEY often did. And I'd also done it before, but I'd always ended up coming back, waving  an olive branch, because you know, it's my faaaaaaaaaaamileee! ( thank you Woman Interrupted !)

But this time, NOT.

Well after they realised this ( months to years later) they needed to force me to return to the fold, so the cycle of abuse could begin all over again.

The catalyst was the onset of the pandemic.
Queue the idiotic flying monkeys, suggesting in sickly sweet tones that I ' reach out', because ' the future is uncertain and you never know.'
Okay that's true. No one knows what's going to happen in the future.  First the hoover, then the lovebomb, then the attempted manipulation.
The answer was a polite but resounding NO.
It was never to punish.
I just don't engage in any relationships that are unhealthy, not any more.

[Liketheducks]

I view NC as stepping out of the drama triangle just for me.    My FOO is continuing their vicious cycle...but I'm no longer playing a role within it.   It brings me so much more peace.    I know my PD's view NC as me being the "problem".   If I just "play nice" everything will be fine.    I no longer play nice.   I'm no longer part of the game.   My FOO sees me as coldhearted and selfish.    I wouldn't be surprised if they thought I was the narc.