Being propelled towards the crunch time

[Bettyrubble]

Hey all

I feel like everything is propelling me towards the end right now. Things are so clearly such a mess. More blow up with our daughter, acting out in front of the kids, him having frequent moments that are like mini breakdowns (depressive episodes where he's unable to function). The ridiculous extremes of emotions I felt about each of these things is utterly draining- anger, resentment, guilt, compassion.

I don't hate him, I actually want him to be well and happy, I can't fix him.

I think he can fully sense where I'm at. He's making multiple comments about future plans we need to decide on, lots of comments about how we need to be making an effort to improve things between us, about how HE is actually trying hard (this is mostly referring to his one therapy session!)

Christ, why is it so hard????! I've heard stories from so many folks who end long term relationships for  infinitely less than this! You know .... we just weren't making each other happy, it had run it's course, we'd grown apart etc etc

Yet here I am knowing that I've been stuck in a rollercoaster of toxic mayhem for 22 years and I am still terrified to call it quits!

[Poison Ivy]

Sometimes, the worse a situation is, the harder it can be to end the situation. For example, my marriage was relatively drama free. My husband gradually withdrew, we had few fights, neither of us were physically or emotionally abusive, husband eventually ghosted me. All these things also made it easier to divorce because I didn't fear that my husband would harm me or anyone else, and because our finances were okay, there wasn't much disagreement on the property division and financial agreement.

Abusers make the marriage worse but also raise the stakes in divorce.

[SonofThunder]

BettyRubble,

In these terribly challenging decisions, making that first move is the most difficult.  The unknowns are always a navigational challenge, but each step I take in this process turns an unknown to a known, and along with very strong personal boundaries, the toolbox, and decades of knowing, experiencing and therefore predicting a mate, the journey proceeds forward.  You are not alone Out of the FOG comrade!  We all walk these trails together.

SoT

[losingmyself]

Just adding my voice to tell you that you're absolutely NOT alone. I feel the same way. I see people leaving for stuff that I thought was insignificant that he did or said ten years ago.
And yet here I am.

[notrightinthehead]

Bettyrubble, what helped me a lot was emotionally distancing myself internally while remaining calm and polite externally. So in your example of him telling you that you need to make an effort to improve things between yourselves, I would file that under 'empty talk -no action required', nod and say yes. Internally I would soothe my always growing hopes that there was a chance for us, remind myself of the reality and all the many times disappointment had followed hope, and put my mind to re-affirming myself that I am working on getting out of this situation. Or I would think of an enjoyable activity in the near future without him.

Find yourself a mantra that is self soothing and gives you strength and when things become difficult sing or recite that in your mind.