it's all getting a bit much for me :/

[heragain]

hi - where to start? brief overview of a messy me:

adopted at birth by a woman who has always made it plain that she didn't want me and only "got me" because of societal pressure to do so, and her sometimes slappy policeman husband.  only child.  grew up knowing i was doubly unwanted and under the clear impression that i was useless/disappointing/incapable/"probably born of criminals" (!) and unsurprising went on to desperately seek love and acceptance by throwing myself enthusiastically into every kind of unhealthy relationship you can think of. 

adopting father died during a very long NPD marriage i had with the father of 2 of my children, i finally got out of that situation, was switched on to personality disorders/the concept of trauma/ptsd/c-ptsd/boundaries and all manner of mindblowing revelations by an excellent counsellor and ended up here for a good couple of years.  the damage done by that relationship is (mostly) healed now - i have done so much work and quite a lot of time has passed (nearly 10 years!).

the reason i'm back here and posting today is that my elderly mother's what-ever-the-hell-it-is (a kind of bitter minestrone of most of the PDs it seems to me - does it really matter? - i don't personally think so) is starting to make me really ill, as we head in to what must surely be the end years of her life.

as the only child of a widow who was also an only child and has systematically cut off each and every family member she had, all her friends and her community based support, everything falls to me - and i now live at the opposite end of the country.  she throw tantrums every time home help is mentioned, refuses to leave the house to see a doctor (she's perfectly able - just "electively house bound") and tells anyone who will listen the most terrible lies about me - this includes me.  i have just tried to set up a health and welfare Power of Attorney for her as she is so insistent on DNR/not leaving the house/etc etc and i feel we all deserve to have these sorts of wishes respected, but she has now got to the point where she's due to sign and is throwing fits over the solicitors fees and accusing me of setting it all up behind her back against her wishes which just isn't true.  it's her choice of course, but the accompanying spite and lies is intense.

i won't go into the details of the kind of stuff she has said and done over the years as i'm sure you can all imagine, but i'm at my wits end here.  my now adult children and i have a good but complicated relationship as the manipulation from their father has always continued and they all think i'm "exaggerating"/"over emotional"/"a bit mad" and i do not have a partner.  i'm entirely alone with this sh*t and yesterday, for the first time in many years, i had a panic attack.  and that's not ok, but i can't just finally go no contact at this stage in the game - she's 87, "housebound" and almost entirely isolated due to her own efforts towards that end. 

i don't know what i'm expecting anyone to say to this, but i'm saying "aaaaaggghhhhhhhhhh!"

and thanks for reading

[Sneezy]

heragain - I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all this.  The intersection between personality disorders and aging can be very difficult to handle.  I understand that you do not want to go NC, I've made the same decision when it comes to my mom.  But you can lessen your contact.  Go as LC as you possibly can.  There is no reason that you have to put up with abuse and tantrums.  You have the right to end any phone call whenever you want to end it.  You can say something like "gosh, you're in a bad mood today, let's talk some other time when you're feeling up to it," or "gotta go, the dog's on fire" (a famous phrase on these forums from Woman Interrupted). 

As far as other decisions, the truth is that no one can force another adult to do anything they don't want to do.  If your mother doesn't want home help, well she will have to make do on her own then.  If she doesn't want to sign the POA, well then her last wishes may or may not be honored.  She gets to make her own decisions and she is the one who will (and should) bear the consequences for them. 

I know this is easier said than done, but you might want to drop the rope.  Keep your phone calls brief, don't feel like you have to fix everything, and let your mother run her own life.  If she asks you for help with something specific, and you want to help, then go ahead.  Set clear boundaries with her regarding exactly what you are and are not willing to do.  And if she breaks right through those boundaries, don't feel bad about pulling back.

My stepmother did not have a PD, but she was a very stubborn person and she was determined that she was not going to have home help and she was not leaving her house until "they take me out feet first" in her words.  And that is exactly what happened.  And I felt guilty about it for a long time.  But you know what I finally realized?  She was an adult and she made her own decisions and she went out of this world exactly like she wanted to go out.  And it wasn't my job to change it or fix it or prevent her from exercising her own free will.

Hang in there.  Remember that medium chill and boundaries and dropping the rope are your best friends 

[Boat Babe]

 

And also remember that is you reactions to your mother's impossible behaviours go back a long way. If you can find a healing modality that soothes your emotional reaction to her crap that would be very helpful in in the moment. I use mindful self compassion (see Neff and Germer) which is not only comforting and calming almost immediately, but also rewires my brain over time so that I am a lot less reactive.  Hugs.

[NarcKiddo]

Are you in the UK? If so, maybe back away from the power of attorney and suggest she draws up a Living Will (Advance Directive). That means you aren't her attorney (I assume she is appointing you) and is one less thing for you to stress about, while still allowing her to make her wishes formally known.

Hugs.

[p123]

hera - not sure what to say but it sounds awful....

As others have said, LC seems to be the way to go here. Just be grateful you don't live close by I suppose as well!