Watch out for unhealthy defense mechanisms

[TiredOfNarcs]

Something I've noticed about what happened after my most recent breakup with a narcissist is that whenever he would try to gaslight me or accuse me of making a big deal over nothing, I sometimes fought back by saying things like "funny how everyone else can see it but you," or "everyone else agrees with me and knows why this is fucked up."

These might have been critical realizations I needed to hear, but they are not things that the narcissist should be hearing. While you think you might be merely standing up for yourself to get them to give up on their manipulation tactics, what you're actually doing is putting the notion in their head that they need to do "damage control" to protect their facade of goodness by smearing and attacking you. You won't actually get them to give up trying to manipulate you by invoking the perspectives of other people who see you're not crazy - the only things you're going to get from the narcissist are more word salads and obfuscation and toxic amnesia and possible hostile reactions and even danger to yourself. 

Don't make the mistake that I did - instead, simply hold your ground calmly and do not give them a reaction. Going no contact and using the grey rock method will always reign supreme.

[Gettintired76]

I couldnt agree with you more ToN it is better to leave them in as much of the dark as possible, let them dig their own grave and tend to yourself as the freefall

[TiredOfNarcs]

Absolutely. Getting away from a narcissist means having to relearn how to prioritize yourself over them, and it's not as simple as just learning to do things for yourself at their expense - it's also learning not to wrestle with a pig in the mud, put yourself at risk just to "teach them a lesson" or change their mind, sacrifice your own integrity and morals for the sake of revenge against them, or subject yourself to painful emotional labor just to get them to try and see the error of their ways (especially if they've already disregarded your previous attempts to do so). It's frustrating to know that you will never get them to change and feel genuine remorse, but ultimately you need to remember that that was never in the cards, because they will never be capable of true empathy. It's not something you might ever understand, but you don't need to. Don't waste mental and emotional energy trying to rationalize their actions or their mindset - just take your hands off that hot stove and leave without ever looking back.

[Gettintired76]

Absolutely, because you may end up in my shoes, remember they hold a mad hand it seems, they know how to play everything and everyone, Ive seen my ex have Judges who are supposed to be laying down the law to her eating out of her hand (at my children's detriment) and a CPS abuse case that was opened on her has been reversed on me and my entire family and we are all (including my 83 yr old dementia suffering mother) are at risk of jail time. So its like this, would you save a cobra thats in the street cause you're afraid it will get ran over? No you'll run the heck as far away as possible. Do the same with a narc, cause they're just gonna keep biting.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Thank you, I needed this today. That is exactly what I've been doing.....and expecting a sane response.

I like the cobra analogy, so true.  I'm trying to reason with a snake!!!

These habits sneak upon you which is why I go to this forum everday.

[Boat Babe]

My analogy is that it's a game you can never win. Ever. The only way to not lose is to refuse to play.  Unfortunately this is impossible if you are the child of PD parents and/or you are in a relationship with one and are still in the FOG.

Clarity and courage to all of us.

[Gettintired76]

Ahem and you are welcome ToN

[Gettintired76]

I meant amen lo