Too much to even type

falsebalance2 · April 26, 2022, 11:07:39 PM

I have been observing rather than judging....and what a weird upside down world I have lived in my whole life!

My foo prepped me for this life.

I am being so gracious with myself for the first time ever.

I'm literally standing taller. Eating delicious healthy home cooked food. Smiling. Laughing. Enjoying my days!

I'm in a wild little loop as I am being hoovered, I-D-D cycle so fast it makes my head spin!

The creepiest part to me is the "I love you,"s. I haven't said it back now in a week. I say thanks or suddenly get distracted by something else.

I'm not playing his games - but I am watching him play them and I really don't think he is even aware he is playing alone!

I have taken out the part that could put me at risk. I will be smarter going forward.

I have a sneaking suspicion there is someone else for supply. He has spent so much time away that I have thoroughly enjoyed the respite!

He has amped up the gas lighting - or maybe I'm just now allowing myself to believe he would do this to me.

He doesn't see anyone but himself.

Also I am certain now. I found an article that perfectly describes my life.

When he is around I have to be so ready to gray rock anything and then the next day I use as a respite day (low expectations but still have work and 3 babies to tend to) but very gentle with myself.

Journal and documenting everything is showing me how bad it really is.

That hope that kept me going is dying a slow death but it is a permanent one. He left so many times he just knew my threshold was around 2 weeks. These times were to get me to be desperate to agree to new slave demands.

What I don't understand is why he won't leave.

Also I was advised to stay. If he leaves I will have a much better go at divorce.

He tried to trap me financially and wow if this doesn't hurt... but I was wondering as I was with a grandiose NPD bf who love bombed then upped the ante and went into physical abuse. So I couldn't understand why I wasn't love bombed...

Well I was today-years-old when I learned my love bombing with an undiagnosed covert narc was him giving me deep intimacy of all life had done to him. So I finally felt safe enough to tell him every single thing ever done to me.... thinking he cared. He even told me how it was abusive and told me nobody loved me.

He has taken every single trauma and used each one as a weapon!

I'm grieving a death of someone who NEVER existed.

I did say right when I was waking up "you were never really there for me. Everything I over came.... you may have physically been there but you didn't help. I got through it not because of you. I got through it because of me."

His response. "Oh."

This was after he told me he is sorry he didn't mean to or know what he was doing but he checked out on me and our marriage before we even had kids.

The level of this is just so....wow.

I am flooded with flashbacks of every red flag and each control. So wild to see without the blindfold.

And now he IS losing weight and actually sticking with his workout program.

Is it weird that I'm hoping there is someone else?

I hope by cutting off his supply here he will flee. He already put it in my mind to run away to the state where I have a support network. He so generously told me that when he was silent treatmenting (that can be a word right?) That he doesn't want the kids in a divorce and "if something happens and you have to flee with the kids to there I'm ok with that too. You know I can't handle them."

Of course I can't trust a word he says....but money is the only thing he loves.

During his last divorce threat I was still asleep and made some demands.

He tried using those demands to further my financial abuse but the pit he dug for I think he may have fallen into.

He has passive agressively tried to make me go back on that agreement.

He was able to build an impressive savings with the previous arrangement and have lots of money to blow on his co workers and himself and zoo trips to be a hero dad for 5 minutes while he had the travelling nanny along (me).

His wheels are spinning every day on how to mess me over!!

Unreal.

It's going to get ugly but I'm awake. I'm here. I grew 3 inches taller this week and I'm starting to see myself come back to life.

He was a vampire sucking me dry.

I'm trying to give the kids a junior toolbox.

I don't mean to spill so much....I just need to keep talking to others who get it.

People want to offer hope - but it sends me one step back each time I hear normal-people advice. Oh men are different...oh men need this...and arent good at that....stick it out you'll be glad you did.

I'm praying he just runs. He needs me to run.

I'm steps ahead of him and that makes me feel awful sometimes.

What a broken miserable person he is and I was to think I could rescue him.

I'm discouraged today Hope of getting out comes crashing down realizing what a dark road possibly lies ahead before I am out.

falsebalance2 · April 26, 2022, 11:10:03 PM

I googled

the-signs-of-a-covert-narcissist-husband

xredshoesx · April 27, 2022, 04:52:51 AM

be gentle with yourself as you are reading the articles. i think it's also smart to be wary, cautious and wise as your eyes are opening to all the outcomes of what you are making choices for.

at 50 i'm still processing the abuse i went through as a child as well as the issues in my relationship with my ex. there was uPD in both situations and it wasn't until i was about a year out of the toxic relationship with my ex that i made the connection- i had been groomed from the get go to be a doormat and codependent. the group here was a huge part of me taking MY life back and living it on my own terms. i hope you can get as much out of it as i did. if your husband is still in the picture be careful and don't fall for the false promises- it took a good 6 months after i kicked my ex out for him to really understand it was O V E R over.

falsebalance2 · April 27, 2022, 04:14:57 PM

Quote from: xredshoesx on April 27, 2022, 04:52:51 AM
be gentle with yourself as you are reading the articles. i think it's also smart to be wary, cautious and wise as your eyes are opening to all the outcomes of what you are making choices for.

at 50 i'm still processing the abuse i went through as a child as well as the issues in my relationship with my ex. there was uPD in both situations and it wasn't until i was about a year out of the toxic relationship with my ex that i made the connection- i had been groomed from the get go to be a doormat and codependent. the group here was a huge part of me taking MY life back and living it on my own terms. i hope you can get as much out of it as i did. if your husband is still in the picture be careful and don't fall for the false promises- it took a good 6 months after i kicked my ex out for him to really understand it was O V E R over.

Thank you. I'm feeling like I'm about to explode from having to grey rock for 3 months. I don't know how much longer I can keep it up.
NONE of what I am living with is reasonable or normal.

xredshoesx · April 28, 2022, 04:39:54 AM

i completely understand

my worst day without my mother in my life was still better than whatever i thought my best day with her was. it just took a lot of work, therapy and reflecting to get to that point. one thing that helped me with my ex was making lists of 'things i wouldn't miss' about him. i had always journaled but got in a sad habit of tearing pages out or throwing out the journals entirely with the ex too. my therapist challenged me to put my thoughts somewhere that wasn;t so easy to unsee so i started a separate blog about my experiences too and someone saw it, commented and that support from a random person was also eye opening because it validated that it wasn't right for ANYONE to treat me so poorly.

you are worth better. it's a long road and the unknown is scary and CHANGE is scary too but it's better than the place you are leaving behind.

escapingman · April 28, 2022, 04:54:25 AM

Quote from: falsebalance2 on April 27, 2022, 04:14:57 PM
Thank you. I'm feeling like I'm about to explode from having to grey rock for 3 months. I don't know how much longer I can keep it up.
NONE of what I am living with is reasonable or normal.

I am coming up 1 year with MC and GR and it is killing me, I am struggling to keep it up. I want to hold STBX accountable, sometimes I slip up, but it is hard.

Good luck and keep up the good work and the grey rock!

falsebalance2 · April 28, 2022, 09:42:43 AM

Quote from: xredshoesx on April 28, 2022, 04:39:54 AM
i completely understand

my worst day without my mother in my life was still better than whatever i thought my best day with her was. it just took a lot of work, therapy and reflecting to get to that point. one thing that helped me with my ex was making lists of 'things i wouldn't miss' about him. i had always journaled but got in a sad habit of tearing pages out or throwing out the journals entirely with the ex too. my therapist challenged me to put my thoughts somewhere that wasn;t so easy to unsee so i started a separate blog about my experiences too and someone saw it, commented and that support from a random person was also eye opening because it validated that it wasn't right for ANYONE to treat me so poorly.

you are worth better. it's a long road and the unknown is scary and CHANGE is scary too but it's better than the place you are leaving behind.

Wow. Yes one day without my abusive foo was so much better, too. I have to remind myself it will be like that without him.

I've tossed so many journals and entries thinking I was holding a grudge for writing it and keeping it - but even having to come back to the reality of what I have written here and the kind words is uncomfortable - but life-saving truth....thank you for that. I'll keep this up!

falsebalance2 · April 28, 2022, 09:46:58 AM

Quote from: escapingman on April 28, 2022, 04:54:25 AM
Quote from: falsebalance2 on April 27, 2022, 04:14:57 PM
Thank you. I'm feeling like I'm about to explode from having to grey rock for 3 months. I don't know how much longer I can keep it up.
NONE of what I am living with is reasonable or normal.
I am coming up 1 year with MC and GR and it is killing me, I am struggling to keep it up. I want to hold STBX accountable, sometimes I slip up, but it is hard.

Good luck and keep up the good work and the grey rock!

Thank you! I've done it intermitently my entire relationship for safety...but actually committing to it and not stopping for false hope and future faking has been tough.

A year!! Wow! Great job but sad you have to do it.

Something about your response made me think - I should just live as if already divorced. Practice for those uncomfortable exchanges and learn now while he still thinks he is in full control.