Newbie: a pwBPD and dealing with my mother who has BPD traits

[Down_the.rabbit.hole]

Who Am I?

A 19 (soon to be 20) year old girl wBPD who's trying to navigate through the world with ease and trying to heal and make a future for myself.

What's my problem(s)?

Oh many things but those take time to work and heal. Today I'm here to introduce myself and share my story(ies?).

I'm sorry but I gotta start from the beginning, this might be a long read...

My childhood was a tiny bit stressful. Financial problems, parents marriage a bit rocky, and I felt lonely (didn't have friends). As I grew up my sexuality or sexual urges became stronger. I needed to feel loved and honestly some attention. It wasn't a surprise that I ended up with a man twice my age at 15. What did surprise me is how hurt I felt in the relationship. Growing up I betrayed myself a lot in order to feel accepted and loved (ew keep saying that).

Anyways this relationship with this man was the ultimate betrayal at 15 because I didn't feel an ounce of attraction towards him besides the fact he was older. I was ashamed that I fell for this man and it sadden me that I really needed company and approval to stay afloat during this time. So after a couple of months he left me. I tried endless ways to contact him and did this for a year or so. During this time I dived into the ddlg community and grabbed a lot of older men attention (they are the nastiest; telling you sweet lies to keep you and quickly discarding you) and I started a long string of hooking up with old men. This point I wasn't looking for love, I needed to deepen the pain I had after he left me. There's been a couple of significant men I meet during this time but they didn't stay long.

At 17 I reached out one last time to the man I had the relationship at 15 and he answered! And holy hell this was the most anxious spring/summer I had at 2020. The relationship between us since then has been on and off, right now it's on (I know you can sigh and roll your eyes at me; I'm afraid of change). Eh the fact that I talk to this man to this day doesn't help with the BPD (or the symptoms? Haven't been fully diagnosed yet).

Anyways haven't had the best luck with men for a while, uummm can't help but still play the victim part ( I do play the part so well  ).

Sometimes I can't help but wonder if I cause the chaos between the men I interact with. To be fair, I haven't been able to find the right man, well the right one for me who wants what I want. I call the self betrayal Emotional masochism now since it's an act that feels comfortable to me recently. I can't help but feel like an abuser when I start relationships with people and now I'm afraid of becoming my mother.

Let's get into my mother and her marriage shall we?

Let's say my mother is a basket case (meaning she's been consumed by her sadness and emptiness for a while that now it has become the family's problem to soothe). My mother has revealed things to me that no child should hear: "your father doesn't understand me", "me and your father haven't been having sex for two years", "around my teenage years I tried to kill myself two times", "sometimes I feel so sad and lost I don't know what to do, I don't want to live". As a child I would comfort her because I hate it when people feel sad but as an adult these statements make me feel lost and a bit awkward. There's so much I can do to make her feel okay at the moment but I can't help with her problems, it's not my place and not my journey. I haven't noticed her unraveling until age 18 (2020). I was dealing with my own matters and my parents were consumed into making me feel happy or okay. After my mother lost her job things went downhill. My parents already strained marriage became more strained. My mom wanted out. She became tired of me, my sister, and my father. A couple of times she left and returned a couple of months later. She threatened my father with divorce and threaten to leave us homeless considering we are all living in one house and my dad is fully invested in keeping this house (it's his first home he ever bought with the first professional job he ever had). It's a stressful situation because honestly I want my parents to divorce and I want them to find happiness and purpose in life and I don't care about the home we have, I just want to be happy and less stressed. I can't do much but wish my parents the best for them and try to stay out of their marriage (although it's a habit that's difficult to let go).

I feel like slowly my seams of sanity is being teared apart. I want to be stronger and more stable but with the situations I'm dealing with it's kinda hard to do that. I can't fix my mother, or my father, or their marriage. I can't make the pedophile (yes he is one) love me or at least one day say hey I should stop treating her so rudely. I guess I'm suffering from not being able to change the unchangeable; not wanting to accept reality? I'd like to refer to myself as sanely insane because no person with this amount of self awareness would continue the path I'm going down in.

One question I would like to ask is do any one of you feel what I feel and is there a way of out of it? Where's the damn instruction manual for this?

Thank you for reading my post and I'm eager for any response I get (hope I follow community guidelines!).

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG - it sounds like things have been chaotic and painful in your life for a very long time.

I want to congratulate you for taking that first step and reaching out. Because you have identified yourself as someone who suffers from BPD and are interested in finding a supporting community then I would encourage you to look at these sites:

Borderline personality disorder (BPD)
http://www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/
https://www.facebook.com/BPDRecovery


Out of the FOG is a community dedicated to offering support and information to people who have a loved one or family member who suffers from a personality disorder. Because of this you may find many of the posts here triggering.

That doesn't necessarily exclude those who also have a PD from participating but the rule is that we come here to discuss our relationship issues as they pertain to the other people in our lives with a PD and not PD recovery issues as they pertain to the self. If you suffer from, or suspect you suffer from a personality disorder, we welcome your participation around the issues with your mom, for example, as long as the discussion still revolves around dealing with the loved ones in your life with a PD and not on your own recovery from a PD.

We wish you the best on your healing journey.