Lack of Privacy Boundaries

[sunshine702]

Tell me you lack of Privacy/ boundaries growing up in a Narc household.

Here is mine.  Starting at about 12 my mom would look at me in the shower.  Under the guise of that I didn't seal the shower curtain right along the edges and water would leak out on the floor and the water would cause the toilet to fall though.  She would pick the lock on the door and do the tirade when ever I would shower.  It even happened to me as an adult every time I would go home.  It really was pathological.   

[NarcKiddo]

My mother expected us to keep her company if she was using the lavatory, and vice versa. Nudity was commonplace in our house (not my father but mother and us 2 daughters paraded around naked) and we would have been mocked if we objected. My mother would frequently dole out an "affectionate" grab of our buttocks or breasts.

[Poison Ivy]

My mom, who I don't think has NPD, protects her own privacy but crosses family members' boundaries. I'm embarrassed and humiliated to go into more details.

[BeautifulCrazy]

***TRIGGER WARNING***

I didn't grow up in PD household, but my first marriage took me on adventures into a Narc family. 
I found the lack of regard for personal privacy by my NMIL completely shocking and upsetting.
My first experience with this happened shortly after I was married. My NPDh and I were forced by a sudden winter storm to stay at NMIL's house overnight. In the morning she came into the guest room at 6:00 am, turned on the lights and, literally, tore the covers off of us in bed while telling us that it was time to get up and get our day started. She stood there, looking at us, (naked) and waiting for us to move for what felt like a very long time. (Her being there AT ALL was too long!!) Even now, I can't describe how disturbing and uncomfortable and awful it was to me.  I was so shocked I couldn't do anything. I was completely frozen. I was mortified and very angry and felt completely violated. When she left and I turned to my PDh, he just looked at me blankly and would not engage in any conversation about it. Not even to acknowledge how completely messed up that was!! Why had she even come into the room instead of knocking at the door? I'm a light sleeper, I KNOW she didn't. And what was she doing waking us up? We were full grown adults, not children!! And ripping the covers off?? Who does that? To anyone? Ever? And the staring... I can't even.... I just can't....
There were other gross violations of my privacy that I now realize were not accidental, although, in at least one instance, I thought so at the time.
Twice, she barged into the bathroom when I was sitting on the toilet.
The first time, she came flying through the door, stood there, and stared for an uncomfortably long time. Then she snarled, "It must be nice nice to have skinny thighs!" and slammed her way back out door. At the time, I thought she was as shocked and frozen as I was, and that she must have blurted out those strange words in awkward embarrassment or something. Because nobody does something like that on purpose, right?
Another time I had excused myself from the table at a family dinner and used the facilities. This bathroom (one of three) was in direct line of sight from the dining room, especially from NMIL's seat at the head of the table. It was only moments later, I was sitting on the toilet, and NMIL threw open the door. She actually stood outside the threshold and threw open the door, not caught mid-step while thoughtlessly walking in. I shouted "Occupied!" and looked her right in the eye, like, wth?!?! She shouted at me "Well, you shouldn't be taking so long!", then stepped in, grabbed the handle and slammed the door shut.
I was really upset by the whole thing, especially her tone, shouting at me as if I was to blame for something, or had done something horribly wrong. I also felt quite certain she must have known I was in there. I had made it clear in excusing myself that I would be in there. And she HAD to have seen me from her seat at the table. Also, she didn't have that momentum, pushing through the door, like one would have if they were intending to use the bathroom. She was stationary outside. Or was she? Was I just so traumatized, that I was remembering wrong? Did I offend her somehow? The whole thing was so awful that I actually felt ill and left during dessert. I don't even remember leaving. I just remember that was awkward and horrible too.

The last time, I was very overdue with our first child and stayed overnight at NMIL's house because PDh had to leave town for work and our house in the country was 45 minutes from the nearest hospital. I had never had a baby and wasn't confident I would be able to drive myself to town if I went into labor alone in the woods. NMIL was a nurse and had experience, so it seemed like a good idea at the time.....
I was startled awake in the morning because NMIL was standing beside my bed, lifting the covers, and looking underneath. Like some sort of freaky psycho, she had snuck into my room, and was violating my privacy. AGAIN!!
I absolutely lost it that time. I raised my voice at her, demanding to know why she was there and what the heck she thought she was doing?! She huffed off, muttering about being a nurse and just checking on me. I got dressed and got out of there as quickly as I could.
At the time, I only told my PDh about the incident. I went into labor and had a C-section later that same day so I had better things to talk about. She, however, told anyone who would listen about what happened. She had a completely different version of events where she was the selfless nurse, looking after me in my precarious state with my overdue and complicated pregnancy (the baby was breech, no big deal). She made it sound as though she was required at my bedside and had been benevolently watching over me instead of being an intrusive and frightening presence. She also described me as irrational and hormonal and said that I was exaggerating what had happened.
That was the last straw for me. For the rest of our marriage, I didn't go to her house or interact with her unless it was absolutely unavoidable. (VVLC, before I even knew what VVLC was.)

It was much worse, of course, for her children.
PDh had no privacy about his personal life, activities or finances, he was much too enmeshed with his mother. Through our entire marriage she made all his appointments for EVERYTHING, doctor, insurance agent, banking, dentist..... If PDh attempted to do it himself, the pushback was unreal. She knew everything, there could be no secrets. He was even on her family cell phone plan so she could track his movements. (I didn't understand until I came to this forum, why he didn't just do those things himself and to heck with her silent treatment or threats to banish him from her life, or disinherit him, or tell everyone "the truth" about him.)
His SGbro had no privacy in any area of his life, and neither did his girlfriends. (He lived with NMIL) No physical privacy, no personal privacy, no information privacy at all. She even monitored their computer use and opened their mail. It is shocking how those grown women were willing to put up with her bullying and controlling! Were they maybe from similar families themselves? 
In stark contrast, GCbro had the same level of privacy NMIL did. At 15 or 16 he started taking responsibility for his own life and did not give in to NMIL's pressure tactics. 

My FOO was so nice, and so normal, comparatively.
I don't think I would believe this kind of stuff existed outside of weird movies unless I had seen and experienced it myself!!
I still can't believe it actually.
I think back on my NMIL standing there looking down at me under the lifted covers and it freaks me out that we exist in the same reality and live on the same planet.
I think, even to save someone's life, I would hesitate to violate their privacy like that. And she so blatantly, brazenly does it and is even able to make excuses for herself.

[Cat of the Canals]

PDmom's lack of boundaries and privacy were more mental. When I was in the first grade, she found out I had a crush on a boy in my class, and gave me the third degree, as if we were going to someday marry, and she had to find out if he was a suitable match. I imagine a normal parent would just smile and say, "That's cute." or something. I never told her about a crush ever again. (I actually didn't tell her that time, either, which I think says something.)

When I hit puberty, I wasn't allowed to shave my legs or wear a bra. PDmom insisted I "didn't need" to do these things. My first real bra was a hand-me-down from a friend.  I had to start shaving my legs in secret.

I ended up hiding my period from her for something like four years. The idea of sharing something that personal with her was just mortifying.

[Prototypian]

I have not had this happen but it sounds uncomfortable and to be honest a strange behavior.  In our family we have had issues with 2-3 year olds ignoring privacy because they're so young they don't know any better and can be corrected.   And occasionally the little kids are dumb and pee in the backyard while the family stands at the window with their jaw open before we even have a chance to stop them.  But again, these are pre-kindergarten, barely social children for whom naps and juice boxes represent a significant part of their day.

But adults behaving without privacy boundaries for bathrooms or changing or husband and wife sleeping is really weird.   So sorry this happened.  My uOCPDw is nuts but fortunately not in this way.

[OutlawSally]

This is so relatable. My PDMIL does this sort of thing and it's always an "accident" with plausible deniability, but until it kept happening I didn't realize anything was wrong. The first time I met her she burst into her son's room when we were sleeping and started chatting away and apologizing (but not getting the f*** out) claiming not to realize we'd be sleeping (it was about 6am).

Charging in when I'm getting dressed, or calling me into her room when she's undressed, or coming in when we're in bed, or asking me to shower in her ensuite with the door openis one thing... I could roll my eyes and not give it much attention. But the lack of privacy about personal matters was the thing that really got to me.

My H and I started trying for a baby and we had fertility issues, IVF, a miscarriage, it was all quite traumatic. MIL started pumping us for information under the guise of "caring so much", and recruiting enFIL to demand more information when she couldn't get it from us. We told her a minimum about the IVF (i.e that we were having it and we'd tell her if there was news) but she kept crying and wailing about how it was hard for her "not knowing details" and "she doesn't understand what's going on" and reminders that she "so desparate to be a grandmother". She then told me that she'd told all of her friends about the infertility and IVF because she was just so worried about us. All. Of. Her. Friends. Now whenever I see anyone who knows her I get pitying comments and well wishes which I absolutely hate because I did not want my medical information being broadcast to everyone.

After that; strict information diet!

[Cat of the Canals]

All these MIL stories are ringing a bell. My own PDmil used to show up on our doorstep whenever she pleased without arranging it with us beforehand. We have since moved out of reach, or she'd still be doing it (despite that fact that my husband specifically asked her not to).

She invited herself to my surgery and then when we told her that wasn't happening, tried to invite herself to my follow-up appointment. We have never been close so this was just bizarre and totally invasive.

When my BIL was severely depressed and going through a rough time, she would tell my husband about how she was having conversations with every random acquaintance and stranger she met at the grocery story/bank/etc. about BIL's woes. He would have been MORTIFIED if he'd known that and certainly would have stopped confiding in her. That was when we realized that she'd definitely done the same thing with my surgery and cancer scare. It's no wonder she has no friends -- I imagine that she scares most people away with these majorly TMI conversations.

[OutlawSally]

I hope you're doing well now, Cat of the Canals. I also realized in hindsight that any information she had on us had probably been broadcast to all and sundry but never made it back to us as most people are too polite to report it back to you!

What really upsets me is throughout DH and my relationship, but particularly early on, a pattern emerged when we were around my parents (who have their quirks but are not PD). DH would express concern about boundary/privacy violation happening in the future. Me reassuring violation won't occur. DH skeptical, then pleasantly surprised that boundary/privacy has been respected. Because repeatedly "accidentally" bursting in when you're doing something private, or having to constantly set and enforce boundaries is not normal and it took him a long time to realize this.

[Cat of the Canals]

Thanks, OutlawSally. I am well, and the biopsy ended up being negative... much to my MIL's chagrin. She kept telling my husband, "I just know it's cancer." So helpful right? I know she was disappointed she didn't get to have her big "MY DAUGHTER-IN-LAW IS DYING" moment.

Aaaand I just realized something. MIL decided somewhere in all of this surgery stuff that I'm infertile -- I was diagnosed with endometriosis which often causes fertility problems, but none of my doctors have said I'm infertile, I have all of my parts, and I've never tried to conceive, so there's really no way to know. But one day out of the blue, with ZERO context, she said to my husband, "I'm sorry you can't have children." My husband was so baffled, he didn't know what to say. So now I'm wondering how many people have heard about her poor, pitiful "infertile" daughter-in-law. 

What really upsets me is throughout DH and my relationship, but particularly early on, a pattern emerged when we were around my parents (who have their quirks but are not PD). DH would express concern about boundary/privacy violation happening in the future. Me reassuring violation won't occur. DH skeptical, then pleasantly surprised that boundary/privacy has been respected. Because repeatedly "accidentally" bursting in when you're doing something private, or having to constantly set and enforce boundaries is not normal and it took him a long time to realize this.

That's awful, and I see some of that in my husband, too. That tendency to almost start making a contingency plan for potential PD behavior.

[sunshine702]

Beds.  Sheets. Covers.

I grew up in a very cold harsh environment for winters.  After dinner we would get into bed - blessed warmth.  And my mom would use that time to "change the sheets" on my comforter.  Shaking the blanket as I shivered from the cold air blowing on me.   During the time I thought it was just a laundry thing but I couldn't wait till morning?   She LIKED to make me cold.   I just now realized that.  Happened to me.  Never Golden child.