Double Binds and Stress

[falsebalance2]

I am not feeling strong today. uPDh uses his ever-changing schedule as a way to control me. I never know when he is working, off, working mornings, evenings, etc. I have the most peace when he leaves for a later shift. My days go well.

The last couple of days he didn't tell me he had the day off which threw me off and I haven't been able to catch up from that day dealing with all of the manipulation passive agression, etc....because he has been working early and that means he is home in the evening (usually my most personally productive hours). He uses these hours to punish me and try anything to make me feel invisible so I will beg him for attention.

While I don't want his attention - it drains me to see someone try so hard to destroy me. Someone I loved with every ounce of myself.
To be told without words in such a cowardly way "You don't matter."

Why that bothers me I know is on me.... But I am feeling exhausted thanks to the work schedule.

He doesn't help with anything - but EVERYTHING is subtly criticized.

If everything that happens he will somehow twist to perceive for himself as a win - do I just take care of my needs and deal with the fallout after?

I could just sit alone and cry for a good hour....but if he sees that - he will be more than satisfied.

My tears no longer have anything to do with him.

I have to process this anger at myself and move on - but I am SO angry at myself for living this lie for so long.

I feel like a complete idiot. All of this dropping on me today after a few days of feeling like I had a handle on it all and could survive. I got extremely triggered last night when I realized a new friend I have is trying to get me to become HER caretaker - I was able to stand up for myself and now see I need to distance myself and watch my behaviors........I almost feel doomed to keep repeating this. I have good people in my life I know would tell me that is a lie and to keep plodding on.

I am on call 24/7 with major responsibility and to step away means putting others in jeopardy. Double bind. I can't take the best care of the others if I don't step away...and if I step away in a way I can protect them - it means HE comes along...and that sort of defeats the purpose. Although I can stomach his public-self much better than his mean home-self. 



Came here before I burst into tears and gave him the satisfaction as he comes home of seeing me like an angry festering wound ready to explode.

I started on "Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist" last night and I'm just angry at myself!!! I know I was groomed for this many years growing up and I can show myself grace and I know eventually I will forgive myself...but for now that feeling has to go somewhere. And I can't keep stuffing it inside.

Can I just say here what an extreme idiot I have been? And by me caretaking I brought other little precious people into the situation and that is going to be very hard to forgive myself for.

I am so upset.

[falsebalance2]

I meant to say I started on the book for the second time. The first time it was validating and helpful. This time I am unpacking a lot of greif.

[square]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I know what it's like to get worn down. I loathe days off. My H's schedule has lately been steady but if something changes it does throw me off in a number of ways. I often don't get told in advance either, but for different reasons.

Look, we have to own our own stuff, sure, but being told (in various ways) that you don't matter isn't something that's on you for being bothered by. It's kind of like saying it's on you for being bothered by a punch in the mouth.

I wonder if this kind of thinking is actually your husband's words to you. I know when I'm feeling overloaded I get kind of frantic in my mind and his voice and my voice argue back and forth.

I don't onow how to fix that voice, but let me just add another voice. It's not only okay to feel hurt by abuse, it's unavoidable. You deserve a peaceful and safe home.

[falsebalance2]

Thank you Square.

Days off are like being at war but where I can't let anyone know I'm in said secret-war.

Thank you for offering the other voice. Yes, that is his voice in my head. "That's on you."

I went out a few minutes to check on and play with the kids since they followed him out to his stage (driveway) and since he had (per usual) his head buried in his phone they engaged me in play.

He is having my eldest do the communicating for him now and had eldest ask me if I wanted to go get dinner. I had dinner cooking and he obviously knew this as he commented on the smell.

He just didn't want to ask if he could eat with us (as he uses this as a weapon because I mentioned home cooked shared meals as a family was important to me so he typically eats meals with others not at home...but yes.... my meal was smelling that delicious lol)

But as I was playing outside - as I am observing more and more - I watched out of my peripheal him STUDYING me. It wasn't love. It was utter contempt. I upstaged him by interacting with our attention hungry offspring which makes him look bad on his stage or makes me look good which is equally untollerable....and he loses leverage with the kids. I can't even. The stare. I felt like a prey animal. I didn't let him notice that I was aware.

He copies everything I do and say. Trying to perform his parent of the year stories for people who wont know the truth. What a sad existance to fake away life and need someone to hate for it all.

So I didn't offer but also didn't say he can't eat with us so he plops down takes over MY ritual and then proceeds to eat most of the food. And then goes to our special treat and ate 3/4s of it. He asked if I wanted some (OF MY TREAT!) And I said "I want to make sure *THEY* get some. So he got them tiny amounts and the rest he had.

It was all I could keep inside of me - my eyebrows raised and I said "is that all for YOU?"

He quickly agressively snapped (he has been waiting for ANY chance to jump on me) "WELL YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T WANT ANY!"

I calmly said "that isn't true. I said I wanted to make sure they got some."

He said "they DID."

I looked at their tiny portions and then back at his and just said "ok."

Then he quickly patted heads and then went straight to his room and locked his door.

No more fake little "I love you," tonight. Just gruffly said "night."


I prefer the angry silent treatment to the creepy stares.

[square]

That's really bad. The constant predatory moves. Also the malevolent stare - you can google that or narcissistic stare, it's a thing. What you described as a typical day made my stomach churn.

Once again I just don't understand why they do this. I'd make myself literally sick if I exuded such hate, put so much effort into tearing someone down, spent all my energy trying to dodge and attack.

[notrightinthehead]

This is frightening and I begin to worry about you. This is damaging to your feeling of safety , self esteem, and general well-being. You are being abused. This kind of treatment would put most people in a state of high alert and the consequences to your health and mental state can be severe.
Are you getting breaks? Moments of meditation, positive affirmations, normal human interaction? Do you have a place where you get some peace and positive feedback?
There is a lot you could read but it doesn't sound like you have much time on your hands to do so. If you have, have you read "Why does he do that? " by Bancroft. It opened my eyes to all the ways in which I tolerated abuse from my husband. I believe there is an audio version available, which might be useful for a busy person.
Another technique, in addition to the implementation of the tools from the Toolbox, is one that the crappy childhood fairy explains -  search on YouTube for "calm anxiety- learn this simple technique in 15 minutes" .  You might want to do anything that gives you a break and helps you to maintain clarity of mind while you plan your next move.
Please keep yourself and your kids safe!

[falsebalance2]

That's really bad. The constant predatory moves. Also the malevolent stare - you can google that or narcissistic stare, it's a thing. What you described as a typical day made my stomach churn.

Once again I just don't understand why they do this. I'd make myself literally sick if I exuded such hate, put so much effort into tearing someone down, spent all my energy trying to dodge and attack.

That was a mild day and only a 2 hour interaction 

The absolute worst are the stay-cations.

I can't wrap my head around it either. I've reflected and see how the entire relationship he convinced me that I was persuing him and he told me not to - therefore I am responsible for anything thay makes me unhappy. Conversely - he says he likes to be persued and chased and that I don't do that enough which is why I'm unhappy.

To see it all for what it is - I can't exist and stay with him.  I am no longer hoping for the miracle of change.

I do however - combining everything I know about him - patience and not care taking could produce the result of him wanting out and deferring all responsibility to me. Which is a great outcome. He is a coward through and through. The good parts are feigned and not sustainable.

I wish him all the best on his own. Within a family and relationships he is not a safe person. His own sentiments.

[falsebalance2]

This is frightening and I begin to worry about you. This is damaging to your feeling of safety , self esteem, and general well-being. You are being abused. This kind of treatment would put most people in a state of high alert and the consequences to your health and mental state can be severe.
Are you getting breaks? Moments of meditation, positive affirmations, normal human interaction? Do you have a place where you get some peace and positive feedback?
There is a lot you could read but it doesn't sound like you have much time on your hands to do so. If you have, have you read "Why does he do that? " by Bancroft. It opened my eyes to all the ways in which I tolerated abuse from my husband. I believe there is an audio version available, which might be useful for a busy person.
Another technique, in addition to the implementation of the tools from the Toolbox, is one that the crappy childhood fairy explains -  search on YouTube for "calm anxiety- learn this simple technique in 15 minutes" .  You might want to do anything that gives you a break and helps you to maintain clarity of mind while you plan your next move.
Please keep yourself and your kids safe!

Thank you nrith. I'll look at the video and the audio book!

For 14 years no I was not getting breaks. I am now getting support and going to places where I can speak freely and be myself to some extent... That is the only way I believe I am surviving now...as the heat has turned up. I am carving out pockets of places that are only mine. Friends and territories that are only mine. This feels cruel at times but HE has had these things all along! The hurt on his face when I have said "no. I didn't say I didn't want to go - I said I didn't want to go WITH you. '

I recently heard this stage is like riding a rollercoaster all the way to the top. The tension is insane as we all wait for him to explode.

But once I ride this out I'm not getting back on.  If I can come out with some physical health I think healing will come.

I have had an affinity for hollocaust history since I was a child - (maybe I identified with the victims and their will to help one another and tenacity to continue living after the nightmare) - I use that knowledge to remind myself people CAN survive and thrive even after the unthinkable.

Putting together all I know about him - I think he has even said in honest moments he wants to be rid of the responsibility of a family - he may be one of the ones who disappears from our life entirely. Or he will have me do the dirty work and think he can handle it all and eventually disappear from our lives.

Also because of my upbringing I am reminded of the elephant. When abused elephants are small they are chained by the leg. Later when they grow up a simple rope around their leg keeps them in compliance because the chain enforced the belief they couldn't escape.

He is the rope.


For now I have to continue healing as this breaks the emotional chains.

I couldn't leave as a child. Now I can leave.

I am only buying time and going for a slow exit so as not to awaken the dog to the chase before I have enough resources.

I know he will blow soon since I am keeping my money and leaving him to the bills.

He loves two things. His money, and his image.

I guess he will have to decide which one is more precious...and maybe the two are entertwined.

I am the threat to both at this point so I do feel the danger - but he is way too smart to hurt me out right.

I remember his words as he lamented not for ME - but for HIMSELF "if I keep going like this I know it'll kill you."

That there shows me along with him not caring for himself - being in a relationship with him was a very slow murder-suicide and he was aware of it at least that day....but he needs me to stay healthy enough to care for him and the kids. So he backed off to some degree for a few weeks....but now that he senses the shift things have ramped up as I believe he is trying to get me back into care taking by loads of devalue as it would have worked previously.

I want to continue to be underestimated.

Again - his image is too precious to him.  Now it seems he can see his dream life ahead of him - being able to use the single dad image to get supply from younger and detached women who can meet all of his needs while I care for the kids without being able to ask anything emotional of him.  I see his wheels spinning.

He can paint whatever picture he would like - and one day I can too.

He needs me in order to play that fantasy. So I'm giving him that to run with. He only wants them in small doses and admitted he can't handle them and doesn't want them should I seek a divorce. So I am using this time to grow stronger.

I am reaching out so I can stay as safe as possible and because of those measures I can sleep (mostly) at night.

This is most definitely not stable long term or yes he is right - it will kill me.

He only got me this bad once I had babies. Because I would do anything to give them the best........He didn't count on me being able to admit that best for them wasn't he and I together.

[falsebalance2]

Had a new one today.

Not new in the tactics but new in my being fully awake.

He was 'nice' today. 

He asked a few questions he should have asked days ago. One really important first for his child - but how obvious now how feigned the interest is. All I had to do was make a face and he said oh - you're eating we can talk later - and did not follow up to find out the things he really should have major interest in....

I fought my body feeling almost euphoric at first when he kept smiling and talking - like 'this is it! His big turn-around! I guess that's breaking down the trauma bond? And then I noticed still that dead look in his eyes.

And I quickly got myself back into observation mode. I hurried and wrote it all down and realized this was anything but nice.

He made a threat - nicely - as he tried to manipulate me. This was the moment he must've planned out...and he failed.

Instead of directly asking me if I could help - he told me **I** am going to default on our loan. His resentment bled thru when he said "since you're not giving me...."

(Irony is he did this right next to a box of new fitness supplies.) Yes, I am stressing him financially. I am encouraging him to go live his dream life without me by no longer supplying him with a financial partner. And if that doesn't register - I am at least able to build some savings and still keep the kids from feeling the effect too quickly. I'm slowly trying to get them used to less. They're amazing and understanding but I don't want to plunge them into cold water.

And it removes his ability to use disposable income to win over the kids and uproot my newfound stability. Now I see his disposable income was my money!
And I've stressed over finances for years! Wondering if I could keep going and what if I got too exhausted to keep my income...as his days off I was expected to either hop up and go do 'fun' activities only he approved of or stay home and work while he took them. Now I see - he wouldn't have taken them.

He manipulates me to think and feel FOR HIM.

He so graciously let me know a thing I begged to do for months while he in his way let me know would never happen - is now something he wants to do and took vacation time for - if he took the right week off he 'couldn't remember.' I asked what made him decide that? His response "I want to support you."

Well - he doesn't realize I wouldn't want him around anything I'm passionate about again. This is involving my new support network. I now am aware how he throws a major fit to gain the upper hand before and during any trip...and know he would sabotage any way he could - and if we actually made it to the event he would do what he did at all my pregnancy appts - give the script out that he is amazing supportive hubs and I am the moody neurotic wife he must explain behaviors away for. Don't worry - he'll let everyone know 'how I am.'

It is as if my joy in anything but him is intolerable.

In a way the 'nice' abuse stinks the worst. Because my body thinks 'yay things are great again!" But I know better now. So now I'm up with no sleep almost 5AM. I don't think it affects me until my body can't settle down after the attacks.

I have a sneaking suspicion since he was so 'nice' he may be off work tomorrow. 

I survived I guess a hoover attempt to go back to idealize.

The weirdest part was I called him out a bit and said 'you're in a good mood today.'

He said "I'm always in a good mood!" So proud of himself

I said "No... you aren't"

And he smirked and said "I've been in a really good mood for what....like the last three weeks?"

It is all so calculated! What he means is - he has been doing covert manipulation and gas lighting and hasn't given me a piece of his mind or outright exploded on me in 3 weeks. And the fact that he is counting showed me how proud he is of his performance...

And it is a lousy performance.

I still feel pity for the little toddler there. Adult toddlers are no fun to be around.

[square]

I'm not sure but you may be dealing with ASPD there The calculated predation is chilling.

[1footouttadefog]

ASPD is where my mind goes also.  But we don't need a diagnosis to understand the abuse.

That he wanted and took the majority of the food and desert also is very telling.  He seems to see the kids as competitors.  He exhibits no fatherly instinct.  Merely performed the bare minimum of giving them a bit of desert, and insuring you got none. 

At some point mine became this petty so I started cooking separate meals for him.  Then the kids and I started eating healthy or exotic things he does not like much of the time. 

[falsebalance2]

I'm not sure but you may be dealing with ASPD there The calculated predation is chilling.

Hearing him lament that one of his reasons for not seeking divorce and radically turning our marriage around was he knew he was literally going to kill me if this pace kept up.

To me that shows he knows he is sucking me dry. Like a leech he realized he needed to give me a chance to heal again a little bit because my blood was running out (and cold).

After two weeks of absolute hell and me meeting with an attorney thinking he was leaving me when he initiated the conversation saying he was going to prove to me he could finally be *in* this marriage - I brought up his divorce threat and he got that duper's delight smirk (I didn't know what that was) and said "i never said the word divorce."

He was right. He said "I want out. I'm done."
After I asked if we could do temporary separation sell the house and use it to get our own temporary places and come back together if we found a way. To which I cried and asked, "are you saying you want to divorce?"

So he sets me up on technicalities to 'prove' I'm making everything up in my head.

I have lost every ounce of love for this person. I still have compassion for him as a human but I know he is a danger to me. But he overestimates himself and underestimates me so I have that going for me.

I do feel his power came from having me trained to spill out all contents of my mind verbally. Now that this has dried up in any significant way all I have to do is talk about something that I have chosen as a talking point that is disposable for me and he thinks he still has the upper hand. I feed him a little if I feel like he may be catching on.

ASD is something I considered before....especially with the constant lying. We have had many disagreements about lying. I find even "white" lies to be offensive and wrong. His take is "you're the only person who thinks like that. Trust me. Everyone you know lies to you every single time you talk."

Whatever it is - being aware of his predatory nature since January  and having flashbacks and floods of red flags....I think it is safe to say he is malignant.

[square]

That's a sociopath you've just described.

When you visit here, you're deleting your history or using private mode?

Are your searches safe? You could use a secret google account for sensitive searches, make sure you log out and back into normal account after.

[falsebalance2]

ASPD is where my mind goes also.  But we don't need a diagnosis to understand the abuse.

That he wanted and took the majority of the food and desert also is very telling.  He seems to see the kids as competitors.  He exhibits no fatherly instinct.  Merely performed the bare minimum of giving them a bit of desert, and insuring you got none. 

At some point mine became this petty so I started cooking separate meals for him.  Then the kids and I started eating healthy or exotic things he does not like much of the time.

That is a good idea on cooking things he doesn't like.

Yes he has been like an angry jealous child each time I have to care for one of them and it stops any fun.

If they don't play by his script he takes off.

This morning he was picking on them and I have taught them how to politely stand up for themselves but he has taught them how to fight. They have seen me stop walking on eggshells so they seem comfortable enough now to try to get some control.

They started calling him by his first name when mad at him a year ago and I tried to put my foot down but he insisted it was entertaining.

So now I no longer mediate - I redirect if I think he may explode on them or I step in and don't allow him to punish them as he puts them in double binds too.

He feels like a mean older step brother I have to keep an eye on.

I'm trying to express that I dont want to nor have any desire to turn them against him...it is occuring as a natural consequence to how he treats them.

I will keep them safe but I'm not protecting the grown man from preschoolers.

He got mad when they didn't take any junk said "you guys are being mean to me." and went off to his bedroom and stood in the dark. They chase after him because it is manipulation....and I went to go tell my son not to go in there and I saw him standing in the dark waiting for my son.

Then he stayed in there in silence until they went after him. And then packing his gym bag. I realize how badly he manipulates them too.

The way he is packing makes it look like he is leaving and he knows from putting them through that so many times.

Then love bombs them by playing cars for TWO minutes then immediately shutting it off and leaving for work.

Thank goodness he is working today!

[falsebalance2]

That's a sociopath you've just described.

When you visit here, you're deleting your history or using private mode?

Are your searches safe? You could use a secret google account for sensitive searches, make sure you log out and back into normal account after.

Probably not as secure as I should be. I'm trying to learn. I need to udate all of my security.

I have a friend who warned me he can be seeing my text messages since he is the main account holder on my phone. 

I've been considering getting a large dog but maybe that's better for when I am out of this situation.

[square]

Wait on the dog imho

Are you thinking about leaving?

[falsebalance2]

Wait on the dog imho

Are you thinking about leaving?

I agree on waiting on the dog. It is a nice day dream though.

I'm at the step where I have to get myself back from the puddle I became.

This is no way to live - I could use some time to heal and use the down time and the toolbox to get where I can make rational decisions. If it were only me I would have already disappered but I feel the best thing right now is utilizing living rent free as long as possible and building myself up and recovering from the financial abuse.

With him obsessed with his fitness suddenly I'm thinking he may have a new supply lined up.  Deep within me I know now isn't the time to run. Each time I have been worked up to run it would have been a disaster and thrown me into more stress.

By staying calm and thinking with rationale I have come out in a good spot for now. If that changes I am creating multiple plans for safety.

[square]

I think your plan makes a ton of sense. Keep posting your thoughts here and gain clarity.

Pushing back on him will do nothing to improve him but I fully understand the dynamic of needing to assert yourself. I picture it like he's shoved you down over the years and now you're getting back up. He might fight harder against you because he perceives a threat, but you stand up, because the alternative is to just buckle under again.

All I want to suggest is that you be careful. Think about what his absolute biggest triggers are - I'm going to take a wild guess and say maybe public humiliation. Stand up to him in small ways that make him bored and tired of you, but be mindful not to do the big things.

You will not win fighting him at his own game. Your goal is just to knd of starve him out. You do that not by winning logical arguments - you can and do win them in real life but not by his cheating rules. ("I never said divorce"). The goal is just to stop feeding him supply, which includes reducing how much you care about what he's doing or saying. Gray rock. Not caring about his "gotcha""s. Reclaiming your own mind, not to fight him, but so he can't reach you.

It's really really really hard but you're already on your way. Just cover your tracks okay?

[falsebalance2]

I think your plan makes a ton of sense. Keep posting your thoughts here and gain clarity.

Pushing back on him will do nothing to improve him but I fully understand the dynamic of needing to assert yourself. I picture it like he's shoved you down over the years and now you're getting back up. He might fight harder against you because he perceives a threat, but you stand up, because the alternative is to just buckle under again.

All I want to suggest is that you be careful. Think about what his absolute biggest triggers are - I'm going to take a wild guess and say maybe public humiliation. Stand up to him in small ways that make him bored and tired of you, but be mindful not to do the big things.

You will not win fighting him at his own game. Your goal is just to knd of starve him out. You do that not by winning logical arguments - you can and do win them in real life but not by his cheating rules. ("I never said divorce"). The goal is just to stop feeding him supply, which includes reducing how much you care about what he's doing or saying. Gray rock. Not caring about his "gotcha""s. Reclaiming your own mind, not to fight him, but so he can't reach you.

It's really really really hard but you're already on your way. Just cover your tracks okay?

Wow thank you for everything you said. The validation and the wise advice!


You're spot on with the major triggers I need to mark those and steer clear. You put it in words here:

You will not win fighting him at his own game. Your goal is just to knd of starve him out. You do that not by winning logical arguments - you can and do win them in real life but not by his cheating rules. ("I never said divorce"). The goal is just to stop feeding him supply, which includes reducing how much you care about what he's doing or saying. Gray rock. Not caring about his "gotcha""s. Reclaiming your own mind, not to fight him, but so he can't reach you.


<<<Slowly becomming too boring to hate!!>>>

[falsebalance2]

I don't know what it feels like to take care of myself and not have it feel wrong!

My new support systems and networks are essential to my well being at this point so drama happening within this sphere has been stressful for me as it is a safe place for me - just as this forum is. I can't stand harming people's feelings. But I'm starting to see this isn't possible to avoid 100 percent of the time.

The friend or I should say aquaintance whom I realized the pattern with has been an opportuniy for growth...She was clearly on a pattern. Step 1 - tell me information that was supposed to make me pity her and dislike the people I adore. She hinted for weeks she 'didn't want to talk about it...' I feel now when she started to tell me I should have stopped her and reminded her she didn't want to discuss.  Step 2 - judge my reaction and find if I was loyal Step 3 - discourage me from any loyalty subtly by telling me they will forget about and use me...and Step 4 - trying to get me to cut off group and go alone with her and new group...when I pressed back "are you saying I shouldn't go?" She condecendingly told me it was up to me but she wasn't so naive anymore like I clearly am....when that didn't get a reaction she tested me with some nice and easy subjects and then after MC she sent me some tragedy that suddenly happened and asked me for some support - but her story didn't add up. 

I was advised to block all communication with her immediately by someone I am under authority on...but knowing PD behavior I suspect this is going to enflame things for my own self and I'm nervous.

Yes, she made an unwise decision to slander someone in our organization to me - and then after she did that and I didn't flinch (not outwardly) she began trying to rope me off into her isolated opinion and stance.

I asked the person I am under authority in a different way if this person was still affiliated and then told her I felt I should begin a slow grey rock fade - but then this person went to our big boss and told them the serious matter and the big boss called me. Big boss said the next under boss was probably a bit over zealous because she is loyal and has been through issues with the subject matter - big boss said I did the right thing and was appreciated for it and not to worry and if I had any questions to reach out.

I have done nothing wrong.... but I feel so much shame that I said anything!

And maybe living with PD parents and spouse for so long - when people tell me not to worry and I did the right thing....that triggers me.

Like I get followed around sometimes and my friends find it hilarious because I'm so "innocent" looking....but in stores I worry people will think I'm shop lifting so then I act weird and then that makes me look suspicious and then I act suspicious lol...I hope l am making sense.

All triggers from childhood.

In elementary school a girl was physically harming me and I didn't tell anyone because she said we were friends. When my mother saw the bruises that she knew better than to leave - she confronted me and she said I finally fessed up.... and I don't know if it is the things learned in an abusive home (we don't tell anyone) or what but I felt I had betrayed a 'friend.' I even stayed that girls friend many years and I see her life now is a nightmare-drama.

Is the world crawling with these people or do I just put out a light that brings all the moths?

And now with my uPDh he is reaping consequences from his rages and I have finally some solid ground but it put me at an advantage and him at a disadvantage and now I feel I am being cruel!

I'm taking care of myself! And if I give him back that unhealthy upper hand I'm an idiotm...but emotionally I feel so bad for not giving into his manipulation. He hasn't even outright confronted me and has been avoiding me like the plauge. Normal people assume he is cheating on me. Maybe he is
..

But I think it's more distancing me so he can find a way to get his power and control back.

I am glad I wrote about the 'friend' in this thread because I felt like I had made this whole issue up - it is hard to gas light myself when I write the truth of my experiences where I can't simply toss them   

I needed to ramble all this out as I'm stuck in freeze or fawn at the moment!