Anxiety about Possible Ambush

[GrowingFerns]

Ive Been NC with my unPD parents for over 5 years now. They do not/will not understand my decision to live a healthier and safer life AWAY from them. They still see this as a "phase" or a "you'll understand when you're a parent"-situation.

Anyway, over the years one or both of them has ambushed me at my place of work demanding we talk. I've managed to defuse them (barely).

One of their birthdays is coming up and I keep worrying about escalation of the ambushes. I am wrestling with fears of them making a scene in front of my customers and potentially try to get me fired.

It's such a fear that has lived with me for years. Just them appearing out of nowhere and setting my life on fire and threatening my financial stability just to get me to re-engage with them.

Does anyone have any advice or support? I keep running through anxiety scenarios and I would very much not like to have these haunting my mind every few weeks or so.

Thanks to everyone!

[SunnyMeadow]

Sadly, I understand! I know that anxiety/fear in my stomach feeling when dealing with a PD parent. It's awful. I think if they did ambush you at work, I'd handle them just like a person off the street causing a problem. If they didn't leave after asking politely, I'd threaten to call the police. Do you have a manager, co-worker or boss that can handle your parents when they come in and make a scene? That way it takes it out of your hands. No emotion and a strictly business way to handle it by a co-worker.

Now I know this is a real stretch but if this was me, I'd even be thinking of unrooting my life and getting a fresh start in a different city or state. It would be a shame to turn my life upside down but the peace and lack of stress would be worth it for me. I thought of doing this many times. Leaving town and not telling anyone where I was going.

I'm sad you're having this constant anxiety.

[moglow]

I'm confused - i thought you live with your parents and brother?

[GrowingFerns]

My wife and I share this account for our respective family issues. I can see how that would make things confusing.

[GrowingFerns]

Do you have a manager, co-worker or boss that can handle your parents when they come in and make a scene? That way it takes it out of your hands. No emotion and a strictly business way to handle it by a co-worker.

Now I know this is a real stretch but if this was me, I'd even be thinking of unrooting my life and getting a fresh start in a different city or state. It would be a shame to turn my life upside down but the peace and lack of stress would be worth it for me. I thought of doing this many times. Leaving town and not telling anyone where I was going.

I'm sad you're having this constant anxiety.

I am the manager unfortunately so the buck stops with me. But I'll do my best to treat them as strangers . may be hard if the choose to make a scene announcing themselves as my parents to everyone. But thank you for your advice.

We're not financial stable enough to set out on our own yet (living with in-laws)

[moglow]

Please don't share accounts - it absolutely confuses and your posts/situations make no sense as a result.

[Associate of Daniel]

Growing Ferns, could you take the day off work for the day?

Is there anyone who could take your place for the day?

It's a temporary solution but may be worth it for your peace of mind.

AOD

[xredshoesx]

My wife and I share this account for our respective family issues. I can see how that would make things confusing.

it would be best if you each had your own account

[moglow]

I am the manager unfortunately so the buck stops with me. But I'll do my best to treat them as strangers . may be hard if the choose to make a scene announcing themselves as my parents to everyone. But thank you for your advice.

This may well be your only option - polite but distant strangers, as you might be with any customer. Actually in this case I can see where you'd understandably engage more with any other customer.

Years ago my mother commenced a harassment campaign at work following one of her meltdowns, thinking I'd have no choice but to take her calls. Nope. Early days of callerid, at first I let her calls go to voicemail and as luck would have it our receptionist walked in one day while I was listening to one. Her horrified "that's your MOTHER??" was all it took and she volunteered to take it from there. All further calls, mo was in a meeting/out of town/on the phone/etc. She actually had fun with it after a while, coming up with reasons I couldn't take her calls. It helped alleviate the stress for me immeasurably.

I learned a lesson though - save MY face by polite distance and just let her be who she is. I knew she could only do it for so long before she'd either blow or give up, because heaven forbid someone see behind the curtain. I suggest same for you. You're responsible for yourself and those around you, don't allow your parents to lower you. Be polite, be firm, introduce an employee/coworker and offer to have Susan help them, let Susan pleasantly step in while you go take a call/return to your meeting. Then you walk away, head held high. Kill em with kindness, albeit at a distance.

[My New Life]

I am familiar with that horrific wrenching of the gut sensation, as you try to figure out if an ambush is coming.  I would call in sick that day, just to create a safety zone for myself.  My experience with my own udNPD parent is, it does not matter how I "handle it."  It will be bad if it happens.  I am sorry you are dealing with this.

[Liketheducks]

I totally understand the anxiety.   I lived in fear that my father or mother would just show up in my workplace or home and create chaos.   They did with me over the years as well.  Funny, you said that they claimed "you'd understand when you become a parent".   If anything, becoming a parent helped me clear the FOG.   Being the parent to my son showed me that making the right decision as the parent wasn't really as difficult as my parents made it out to be.   It is really not all that hard to parent your kids without passing on your own issues.   Seeing myself and the choices and options I have and have had to make at the same age, or his development age....has been one of the things that shifted the FOG for me.   Before having our son, I was firmly entrenched in the obligations.   Son and I have had great conversations about....when or IF I cross lines, you have every right to put me in a home;)    I want him to have a full life free from this drama.....and I want to have my own full life outside of only being a parent.

That being said.....you have no control over what they choose to do OR how they choose to show up.   You CAN decide how you're going to deal with it.   I had a run in with my mom a few years ago showing up at my place of work to return a cell phone that I had been paying for on her behalf.   I totally left the office that day.   She was itching for a confrontation and by not being there.....I took that away as an option.    I don't know if you have that option available for you where you work.      Do what you need to to keep yourself feeling safe.    You can separate yourself emotionally from them, just as you would a troublesome customer....it takes practice and SO much emotional heavy lifting.   Be gentle with yourself.   You're not a bad kid, you're an adult worthy of respect and love.  I've also learned......with PTSD (c-ptsd) we trigger ourselves incessantly.   I have to tell myself that nothing is ever as bad as my brain anticipates it will be. 

[sunshine702]

My brother worked in an auto part store.  Two different once's actually over the years.  It was hard work but honorable and he payed his bills.   My Flying Monkey father would stop in ALL THE TIME to "check on him". In fact one time my brother was getting a part (or maybe hiding) in the employee area back part.  My father went behind the counter and back there and started looking for him.

He ended up quitting about six months later.

I get it!  Zero boundaries.  Zero.