Playing into the game?

[falsebalance2]

A veiled threat thanks to my sudden upper hand was that my credit will be destroyed if I don't acquiesce.

After a crappy day of and me being GR all day long (I'm getting hives on my shoulders from all of the discard and hoover attempts)

I may have just messed up and showed where my proverbial goat is for the 'getting.'

He asked "If I get a spa treatment do you want one?"

I responded with I don't care for gray rock. I was shocked. Maybe I'm not cut out for GR.

To be frank - this was the cherry on top of a whole days worth of spending money akd letting me know he has all these new hobbies....Someone claiming to being in a financial stronghold now - is suddenly taking up an expensive sport and has moved on to using DS as supply. Buddy and he are now going to go do this together supposedly. And he leaves out the second child and it is already causing issues.

So then he spends an hour on his phone while I work and tend to the kids.
Then quietly as possible asks what kind of treatment I would want? BEATS ME DUDE. I haven't had one before. I had to have him repeat because he mumbled.

So I said "well - if we are about to default on loans I'm not certain a spa treatment is a wise idea."

To which he excitedly pounces and says "I didn't say that...."  (yes he did) " we just need you to make the payment but that is on the 27th...are you going to do that?"

I said I don't know. I'll have to think about it.

"Well, I'm getting one."

"Ok."

Then as I start cleaning and having kids help off he goes!

So I ask him wait before you go when is your appt? I no longer want to be the only one caring for the kids.

He says "oh. Ok. Want me to take them somewhere tomorrow??" But then goes on to say his spa treatment and then gym sesh will take up most of the day. I didn't know he was off today AND NOW also tomorrow.

I want and need to do things for myself but the idea of leaving the kids with him is just as bad as never having had a break. And the idea of divorce and them being stuck with him.... I'm feeling so sad about this.

You guys. I don't know. He is sneaky and up to something and I think he is doing things trying to mess me over in a divorce - or the more likely scenario is making it impossible for me to leave him. Maybe that's paranoid. But realizing what an enemy I have in my own home.... I can't understand this level of betrayal.


I have stopped saying I love you back to him. It is all a temperature check and calculated and he has stopped...but he doesn't ever say it individually to the kids....he says "I love you guys..."

Him moving on to my son has pushed a major mama-button. Essentially he dumped me for my DS. He told me he divorced me mind body and soul but wasn't leaving and I had to deal with it...(he actually DID use the D word during that rage)...and I see from everything he ever said he was waiting for DS to be old enough to do this.


He is constantly whistling when around me (which is something he told me once that 'con men' do at his work and how he knows when someone is stealing....

And anytime bedtime approaches he retreats to his lair. I am solely responsible for any and all childcare and may I just say here I am so fed up and exhausted?

He stole from his parents growing up and feels fully justified in this....no telling what he's trying to do to me.

I am the idiot for having children with this person. (At least I have them as they are my world!) But he sold me on this idea that he wanted to be the most involved parent.

I feel like this man's personal assistant.

In Stop Caretaking she said a gripe session was not a healthy thing to do. I'm not wanting to do that but each person I reach out to says to keep staying positive and be patient.

The double binds are crushing blows.

Trying to be patient....

But I could use some support!

[square]

Well, I don't know if you need to stay positive. You need to stay strong. If that involves staying positive, okay. If staying positive is locking you into a bad situation, not okay.

You are being financially abused as well as the rest. You may feel like you have to stay as a result. But you're being drained either way. Staying will lead to continued financial insecurity.

You are exhausted doing all the childcare. Being a single parent is exhausting but you are under significantly more stress than what single parenthood carries. Most of your energy is being spent trying to manage HIM. Your children may also be harder to manage because of the stress he puts on them.

These are just my thoughts reading what you wrote, because outside perspective (not the abuser's) is so important. You decide what rings true, those are just my thoughts.

I am wishing you strength and clarity. You're working on this. Keep going.

[falsebalance2]

Thank you,  Square. Your words mean more to me than I can express.

I feel bad for the level of pain in my gut when someone says 'maybe he will change....'

And then I hear myself inside saying the same thing to myself and I feel I'm betraying my own self!

Being grateful in all things - this is teaching me so much about myself and the abusive childhood and why I thought I could love someone good enough that eventually they would blossom into a decent person. I fell for the "nobody showed me love so you'll have to teach me." It was the biggest cop-out from any responsibility. I was an idiot.

I'm trying to save rapidly but also buying some things so he thinks I'm just blowing it all. He already trashed me for my lack of money mamagement.

My saving grace is - though he calls me booksmart....he didn't account for me learning from him how to be what he would call street smart. I am learning and trying to learn fast.

His need to put me down may lead to him being overly confident in his plan.

He obviously has a "gotcha" in mind. Rather than being paranoid I suppose I just as you said must stay STRONG and just stay authentic. Whatever he has planned to destroy me will ultimately destroy him. 

That is sad. But I'm so emotionally done with him. Realizing he has been sucking the life out of me and enjoying my pain frustration and desperation - I want to be smart and get my children away from his influence. I believe if he keeps an influence over me they will learn it too the way I did when I was little.

[notrightinthehead]

Many people fail to understand what we are dealing with. Their advice is valid for normal people, not for us. Patience and positive thinking gets us nowhere. We need a clear mind and a clear sight. It sounds like you need to separate your finances from his in order to not drown with him. What can you do? How can you ensure your and your kids financial survival?

[square]

Re: the street smart thimg. Psychopaths are aware they are different from most people. But they perceive it as most people being dumb. They are able and willing to exploit others without feeling bad about it, and they see normal people fall for their tricks and also fail to exploit when given the opportunity.

This can lead to a level of complacency of a sort from them, where they can be surprised when someone catches on to them.

He surely knows something is up with you but likely doesn't know the extent. This is in your favor if you are making plans.

[SonofThunder]

Re: the street smart thimg. Psychopaths are aware they are different from most people. But they perceive it as most people being dumb. They are able and willing to exploit others without feeling bad about it, and they see normal people fall for their tricks and also fail to exploit when given the opportunity.

This can lead to a level of complacency of a sort from them, where they can be surprised when someone catches on to them.

He surely knows something is up with you but likely doesn't know the extent. This is in your favor if you are making plans.

+1

Also, imo, if you are in the USA, the protective public services and the courts favor the female/mother (if possible). If I was a female/mother in the USA, i would utilize that in my favor in planning in any way possible, to protect myself, protect my children and protect my personal rights, and my rights to shared assets. 

The fact that your husband is male, is imo, not in his favor in the USA. 

SoT

[square]

SoT, that may be true in the courts, but it's not true outside the line of sight where physical intimidation can occur.

It's something that has to be managed carefully and there is often a degree of risk.

[SonofThunder]

SoT, that may be true in the courts, but it's not true outside the line of sight where physical intimidation can occur.

It's something that has to be managed carefully and there is often a degree of risk.

Square, sorry but are you talking about (in general), male physical aggression toward females vs the reverse (females toward males).  If so, i understand and have compassion for females because of mentally/emotionally weak males who believe physical intimidation and/or actual assault are masculine and/or on the table of choices for themselves.

I can also understand the risk in what you stated, and how these weak-minded males can consider physical retribution when put in a disadvantage.  Ive seen the reverse happen as well (bpd diagnosed female wife assaulting a male acquaintance) with both threats on his life and and physical attack. 

So i agree with you that it is risky, and imo, the weak-minded, physical-threatening male uses that 'what-if' to his advantage in very covert ways, to keep others in compliance. 

I did not read threats of physical violence in falsebalance2's original post, but surely read covert mind games.

SoT 

[falsebalance2]

Nrith,

Yes - you are right. In fact, I've known something was wrong from early on - and the more typical marriage advice felt like now the world was in on the gas lighting!

He subscribes to a credit-monitoring system (I for the life of me couldn't figure out his financial paranoia that I would mess him over somehow and how he has always kept our finances seperate and secret - but now I see it is because he knows he is for himself and what he would do if he were me and had access to his money.)

I should sign up for the monitoring service as well to make sure he isn't sabatoging my credit.

He is extremely calculated and WILL self preserve. His image is equally important as his money...and the kids are in his mind his image...so I don't see him tanking himself financially. He has quite a hefty savings and gets large bonuses. So he has money to float himself for a few months before he really gets fed up with me no longer giving him my money. That is why I do have to have patience....but positivity needs to go about him changing.

So I am trying to build up a savings and I've got plans for housing.

I have a few safe places I can go that he wouldn't have a way of finding. A few people are willing to help me so that has been a (humbling) blessing. Some have land some have extra bedrooms etc. I have safety plans lined up but need to work on long term as this develops for sure.

Square,

He most definitely thinks he is smarter than everyone else. He is able to feign humility and uses this "nobody taught me I had horrible parents" thing as a way to figure out what people know.

I think he watched people mentor and support me and he has heard and watched how people came alongside me to help me grow - and I feel as if he has stolen a great deal of my identity and used it to scam people. It does occur to me now - he thinks everyone else is a scammer just like himself - so wow - he thinks I have a good "act" to get what I want from people! Living with him makes me question myself so much sometimes - but normal people DO want and need emotional connection and it is normal to share and ask for help (? Saying that for my own self right now).

Once someone figures him out he trashes them and says they didn't care about him and how 'fake' they are....and then he will recycle a 'loser' from the workpile until the next boss comes along.


I think he is fully confident that he has me under control. Just keep things in this hoover discard and occasional menial love-bomb (which is more like encouraging me to get a dog or go see a friend he has controlled out of my life) he is perfectly okay with this arrangement...as he is now living basically a single life with zero attachment and telling everyone at his work that he is doing everything to meet my unreasonable and out of the blue 'demands.'

In fact. The common advice that doesn't work for these situations - he gets that from well meaning people as well - and this further feeds his delusion. So to my advantage - he will be hearing advice contrary to my true feelings as well which may have him even more confident.

So the finances will likely be the breaking point for him. 

SoT,

When I met with an attorney (a highly recommended one I couldn't afford!) He told me the judge in our county doesn't favor women and is very concrete in what he doles out...he would not like me for my values and for me to be prepared for a 60/40 custody split and that was even with him fully aware of what I'm going through. He told me I was being financially abused and that the financial set up had him believe my updh had planned this a very long time. He said he didn't like that we had separate accounts but they would still be able to get me what was 'mine.' This attorney offered his private cell phone and to talk with his wife. He said I'm not in filing for divorce timeline that right now I need to document everything and daily habits and have as much evidence as I can. Videoing any rages etc.....this made me highly paranoid that updh has been doing similar things (dishonestly) and setting me up.
Honestly - I don't think he wants the kids. I think he is more worried about losing money. He told me this in a rare honest moment.

I would give all the money in the world to have my children safe and happy.

60/40 is not something I can live with. And neither could updh... so he would either defer to me and disappear or he will get a new supply and then some other woman will raise my children.

The way things are it is like 90/10 and for the infant 99/1

So my hope is that he likes the idea of his freedom so much that he agrees to leave and signs a no contest quick divorce with no court for the kids if I don't want any of his savings and split equity. I want to sheild them from that. I think I may be able to buy him out.

What they are living now is their normal and I keep everything extremely calm. Courts and a custody battle and strangers poking about and their father trashing me imo would be more harmful at this point.

Me keeping my money and if I can completely stop caretaking may have him ready to leave.

I have faith that things will open one door at a time.


But living the day to day mind games....

I must find a way to get above it. Getting out of the house and building friendships for me and the children has been helpful. I'll get there...

It feels like someone died and I am mourning that death. And it is someone who never existed - both the lie he sold me and the wife I dreamed to be. I have no sentiments left.



He is too smart to physically harm me. Especially because I am tough in that way - I would know to leave that and have.

I am highly empathetic and loving and too trusting and alltruistic. He saw this weakness and has exploited it mercilessly.

How thankful I must be that he has illuminated my need for growth in this way.

I need to get mentally tough without becoming callous.


I watched my father be terrified of my mother's violence and what it did to his male psyche. We were all afraid to take a drink or food from her. Too many conveniently timed food poisonings in our lives.

But with a man who knows how to come across as a big teddy bear in public and endear himself to "old ladies" - he loves to flirt with older women and heavy set women. He says they need the attention and "eat it up."

I agree this isn't how true masculinity presents itself. Agression isn't a male trait as much as it is a fallen trait. My mother was physically abusive (and mentally).....so I know it can be just as scary and even more taboo when it is the female.

Which is also why I don't think he will physically hurt me. It isn't virtue - it would just cost him too much.

However just being much smaller than him I know I would be overpowered. So I must be wise.

[SonofThunder]

Falsebalance2, thank you for the clarity and correcting me regarding female vs male in the court system and for your detailed explanation.   I wish you the best in your very difficult situation.

SoT

[falsebalance2]

Falsebalance2, thank you for the clarity and correcting me regarding female vs male in the court system and for your detailed explanation.   I wish you the best in your very difficult situation.

SoT

SoT - I hope that isn't offense I am detecting. I surely didn't mean any harm.

I don't doubt this would be an advantage in some counties - I think public opinion tends to side with the female.

This particular county judge has a reputation. I was shocked myself to learn this - and has added to my trepidation.

[SonofThunder]

Falsebalance2, thank you for the clarity and correcting me regarding female vs male in the court system and for your detailed explanation.   I wish you the best in your very difficult situation.

SoT

SoT - I hope that isn't offense I am detecting. I surely didn't mean any harm.

I don't doubt this would be an advantage in some counties - I think public opinion tends to side with the female.

This particular county judge has a reputation. I was shocked myself to learn this - and has added to my trepidation.

Falsebalance2,

Not at all!  Absolutely no offense, as you taught me something i need to stop assuming, because it only takes one real situation, like your description, to teach me that its very much judge dependent and situation dependent.  I enjoy learning and will adjust my mindset accordingly. 

SoT

[falsebalance2]

Falsebalance2, thank you for the clarity and correcting me regarding female vs male in the court system and for your detailed explanation.   I wish you the best in your very difficult situation.

SoT

SoT - I hope that isn't offense I am detecting. I surely didn't mean any harm.

I don't doubt this would be an advantage in some counties - I think public opinion tends to side with the female.

This particular county judge has a reputation. I was shocked myself to learn this - and has added to my trepidation.

Falsebalance2,

Not at all!  Absolutely no offense, as you taught me something i need to stop assuming, because it only takes one real situation, like your description, to teach me that its very much judge dependent and situation dependent.  I enjoy learning and will adjust my mindset accordingly. 

SoT

 
Oh that is a relief. I didn't want to assume either way SoT!

So hard to tell in writing - and let's just say I'm overly used to sarcastic remarks 

[SonofThunder]

Falsebalance2, thank you for the clarity and correcting me regarding female vs male in the court system and for your detailed explanation.   I wish you the best in your very difficult situation.

SoT

SoT - I hope that isn't offense I am detecting. I surely didn't mean any harm.

I don't doubt this would be an advantage in some counties - I think public opinion tends to side with the female.

This particular county judge has a reputation. I was shocked myself to learn this - and has added to my trepidation.

Falsebalance2,

Not at all!  Absolutely no offense, as you taught me something i need to stop assuming, because it only takes one real situation, like your description, to teach me that its very much judge dependent and situation dependent.  I enjoy learning and will adjust my mindset accordingly. 

SoT

 
Oh that is a relief. I didn't want to assume either way SoT!

So hard to tell in writing - and let's just say I'm overly used to sarcastic remarks 

FB2, i was also short in time that day in my response. I read your thorough and intuitive reply, learned from your reply and then briefly replied regarding. 👍.

I also am very conditioned to be sensitive to sarcasm, and so fully understand how writing does not convey emotions.  I will remember to use face/other emojis to attempt to convey emotions to avoid unintentional emotion assumptions by the reader.  😀

SoT

[Lauren17]

I appreciated reading this thread. People exchanging ideas in a calm, respectful manner. That'a why Out of the FOG is such a wonderful place.
I wanted to chime in with a couple of thoughts.
SoT, from what I've learned/experienced, courts preference for the mother in no longer the case in much of the US. It's my understanding this change has occurred over the last 10 years or so.
FB2, I'm not sure you original post was a griping session. Explaining your experiences and getting validation and feedback from people who truly understand is an important part of coming Out of the FOG and healing. Keep posting. The learning here is invaluable.

[falsebalance2]

Falsebalance2, thank you for the clarity and correcting me regarding female vs male in the court system and for your detailed explanation.   I wish you the best in your very difficult situation.

SoT

SoT - I hope that isn't offense I am detecting. I surely didn't mean any harm.

I don't doubt this would be an advantage in some counties - I think public opinion tends to side with the female.

This particular county judge has a reputation. I was shocked myself to learn this - and has added to my trepidation.

Falsebalance2,

Not at all!  Absolutely no offense, as you taught me something i need to stop assuming, because it only takes one real situation, like your description, to teach me that its very much judge dependent and situation dependent.  I enjoy learning and will adjust my mindset accordingly. 

SoT

 
Oh that is a relief. I didn't want to assume either way SoT!

So hard to tell in writing - and let's just say I'm overly used to sarcastic remarks 

FB2, i was also short in time that day in my response. I read your thorough and intuitive reply, learned from your reply and then briefly replied regarding. 👍.

I also am very conditioned to be sensitive to sarcasm, and so fully understand how writing does not convey emotions.  I will remember to use face/other emojis to attempt to convey emotions to avoid unintentional emotion assumptions by the reader.  😀

SoT

Ah - I should have assumed as much but you're right - as cheesy as emoticons can be they do help! 

I have respect for you SoT and value your input and I am learning a lot from your situation and how you are handling it - as well as the others.

I'm getting better at identifying the I-D-D cycle and I appreciate a place to process my thoughts and get the feedback!

[falsebalance2]

I appreciated reading this thread. People exchanging ideas in a calm, respectful manner. That'a why Out of the FOG is such a wonderful place.
I wanted to chime in with a couple of thoughts.
SoT, from what I've learned/experienced, courts preference for the mother in no longer the case in much of the US. It's my understanding this change has occurred over the last 10 years or so.
FB2, I'm not sure you original post was a griping session. Explaining your experiences and getting validation and feedback from people who truly understand is an important part of coming Out of the FOG and healing. Keep posting. The learning here is invaluable.

I agree it is a blessing here Lauren17!

Thank you for the encouragement.
When I'm feeling isolated like that day - all of my very private anger is floating on the surface and I'm trying my hardest not to explode. Griping is all I could do to someone who doesn't understand....but here it leans more to constructive conversations and I leave strengthened.

I am trying to do no harm but take no junk!