PD Parents Obsessed with Their Houses

[LittleWhiteDove]

Just wondering if this is a common thing, where an NPD parent latches onto a house (could be childhood home, or not) and absolutely refuses to relinquish control over it or consider moving even if it is utterly inappropriate for a disabled senior? (Or is this just an old person thing in general?)

My mom is destined to wind up in a bad nursing home on Medicaid if she doesn't change her course.  The history of her and "the House" is a sad and wrong one. Her parents moved their family there when she was 9. Except for a few years of apartment living when newly wed, she has lived here all her life. She's now 79. The house was signed over back and forth between my grandmother and my parents and finally wound up my grandmother's property again. She decided to leave it in a 3-way tenancy between me, my mom, and my mom's sister (my aunt). Probably intending us to sell it and split the proceeds? Who knows.

Mom thinks the house is "hers" and has dominated this space aggressively since her mother died. Her poor sister, who didn't want to take care of a house and didn't want to live with us, finally gave up and simply signed it over. She had every right to legally partition the house (force a sale) but didn't. She wound up being screwed out of her inheritance from her mother. (I later paid some of her debts a d apologized that I could not afford to make restitution to her and promised her I'd always be there for her and that if she ever needed a home we would take her in.)

Flash forward 25 years. Before I knew my mom had NPD (before I knew her awfulness had a name), I lived with her in our house all the while paying her rent! Yes I paid rent on my own house that my name was on. Sometimes mom would beg for more money and that's when I realized she couldn't manage money worth a damn. When I would ask to sit down and go over household expenses to see if I needed to contribute more, she refused to do it.

Finally for tax and probate purposes we arranged life estate for her with me as remainderman. She still doesn't comprehend that she has legal obligations as a life tenant to keep up the house and not go broke so she can pay the taxes. To her, the house is "hers" because "it's her home" and "always has been."

This is a woman who has never once gotten her own apartment; never bought a car on her own or with her own funds; never bought a house with her own funds; basically has done nothing but squat in her childhood home expecting others to subsidize her lifestyle. Needless to say, the "Mom, you can't take care of this house any more, let's look into assisted living" is a non starter.

House is now reaching the falling apart stage. Mom is now reaching this stage too. The logical solution is to sell the house and use the funds to get her into assisted living (where I wouldn't have to live with her any more). No, she's going to stay in the house as it crumbles until it's worth nothing and then she won't be able to pay the taxes because she can't stop spending money on Amazon.

Fortunately I never really calculated the house as being part of my own financial future, but I'm sitting here watching her basically trash the property that I was supposed to inherit as remainderman. I could sue her for not fulfilling her obligations as life tenant, but to what purpose? It's not like she has any money to fix the house...

I have just hired some in home help for her (at $1K per month, still cheaper than assisted living) but I don't know where this is going and where my "out" is. She has no friends. Her sister (my aunt) is also broke and ill and now in a nursing home. My only sibling has noped out of the situation.  Do I just leave the house and let her fall on the floor and break a hip and be scraped off the carpet some day?

I grew up in this house too... and it could be nice if someone fixed it... but I cannot sink any more of my time and money into a property that she will always consider her exclusive territory.

[FromTheSwamp]

Just wondering if this is a common thing, where an NPD parent latches onto a house (could be childhood home, or not) and absolutely refuses to relinquish control over it or consider moving even if it is utterly inappropriate for a disabled senior? (Or is this just an old person thing in general?)

My parents did latch onto their house, as if it was their outer skin they couldn't shed.  I think it's kind of an old person thing in general, but not to that extent.

Your situation sounds awful.  You ask, do you just leave the house and let her fall and break a hip and be scraped off the carpet some day?  You might have to. You can't make her make good decisions and protecting yourself has to come first.  The consequences of her bad decisions are hers to live with.  The hard part is that desire to protect your parent from those consequences.  Only you can decide how much you are willing to sacrifice.

Over time I was willing to sacrifice much less, as I saw how desperately they wanted to make colossally bad decisions.  My desire to protect them didn't have a chance against that level of determination. 

[bee well]

I'm am sorry to hear you are dealing with this.

I'm not sure is ahw tou described is related to NPD , but I have seen elderly uPDs who cling to situations of degradation and refuse to help themselves or be helped. It's heartbreaking to witness this, especially when, in addition to an overwhelming concert for your Mom, you have such strong emotional ties to the house.

The fact that your Mom is also engaging in compulsive spending complicates the situation.

You write: "I later paid some of her debts and apologized that I could not afford to make restitution to her and promised her I'd always be there for her and that if she ever needed a home we would take her in."

Remember, you made that promise based on what was going on at the time. You have done, and appear to still be doing what you can to help.

From what I have read in your post, it's not likely your Mom will change.

Aside from weighing your options and doing all that is reasonable, both legally and logistically, the best thing you can do now is focus on your physical and mental health, and taking care of your needs.

You can care about your Mom and still do what's best for you, at a safe distance with boundaries in place. It's a large task, but it's possibile.

You are going in the right direction by seeking support.

Please take care of yourself.

[LittleWhiteDove]

"You might have to. You can't make her make good decisions and protecting yourself has to come first. "

I know, which is why me putting up $1K a month is not sustainable.  I can do it at that rate for a year or two, but I'm hoping it allows enough time for her to make the correct decision (to sell the house) but this is my own savings it's coming out of. 

Complicating matters is that my aunt is stuck in a really terrible nursing home and I'm worn out trying to do all her paperwork and figure out where she can go other than the nursing home.  (She really doesn't need nursing care, just supervision.)  Supposedly she is getting Medicaid but everything seems screwed up and irregular.  She was flooded out of her apartment last summer and then had a stroke while she was staying with us.  My aunt is not the narcissistic person.  She can no longer live alone, but we get along OK.  And I did promise her that I would be there for her (because she got screwed out of her inheritance and always had to scrape to get by living alone.)  I lost 25 pounds last year dealing with all this.

My mother blows hot and cold, one day says "My sister is not living in a nursing home, she should come here!" and the next day screaming that she doesn't want her sister here "sitting all day watching TV and eating my food."  I visit my aunt every week and talk to her on the phone every night and open the bewildering amount of paperwork that comes in, and I'm just hoping the in-hope help for my mother gives me time to pay attention to my aunt's screwed up situation.  I am sure there is more trouble lurking in that situation but I am overwhelmed.

As I stated... my own sister has noped out and had terrible relationships with mom and aunt anyway, and thinks she shouldn't have to be burdened with any of this or even check in regularly.  It's wholly been dumped on me, and I'm also made to feel like it was "my choice" (to do what? not be comfortable to leave my mother alone in the house to fall and break her neck and not be found for days?)

That said, I have to do all this with some kind of personal plan and right now I'm just hoping I can throw a bit of money at it and someone else (my mom) will do the right thing... other than that the only future I see is her falling and breaking a hip, winding up in the hospital/rehab/nursing home system, and being in the same situation as my aunt.  I did get POA for my mom but getting POA for my aunt has been logistically difficult because she isn't incompetent but because of COVID it was impossible to visit her for months and because I work, I can't check her out of the nursing home to take care of business very often.  Getting a POA for her is still a goal.

I do feel a little more able to manage now that I know the geriatric care manager is working and we will soon have a minimum of in home help and a life alert system etc.  But sadly some of that sense of control comes from me no longer speaking to my sister, we had a huge fight a couple weeks ago after I expressed frustration that she never checks in and she let loose on me with a torrent of name-calling.  Just can't get ahead...