Feeling like I have to endure abuse

[Bunnyme1]

It's been a while since I've written.  I had to take a break from focusing on the nbpdx.  He has since been back to rehab, still lying, running up legal bills over nonsense, blowing off visitations with the kids... 

I'm having a really hard time with not responding to his ridiculous accusations.  Not calling out his self-righteous bs.  I've done it for so long.  I only respond directly about things pertaining to the children and ignore the rest.  But the whole being civil thing is really wearing on me.  I spent years taking the abuse, and it feels like I'm so helpless and doomed to continue to take it. 

He is super angry that I have him blocked from seeing my social media.  He canceled his visit with the kids on Saturday, and I rearranged my weekend to reschedule for sunday only because it was the first time he was going to see them since the latest rehab stint where he blew them off.  Well, it is supervised so I dropped the kids off with his family.  His car was there.  Turns out he never showed and the car was there because it broke down.  No one told me he wasn't coming.  I wrote a message with factual information about some child related things, and then said that in the future, he needs to inform me if he will not be attending visitation. 

I get a response about how the door swings both ways and i am withholding things from him, blah, blah, blah.  Is he really trying to equate lying, blowing off visits, hurting the kids, not paying support, not telling me he went to rehab, etc. with me not texting him a picture of my puppy or have a yearly routine medical procedure scheduled?  I know it sounds dumb, and I know that I'm not going to get any acceptance of responsibility or a-ha moment from him, but this is constant.  He is going to go on believing his delusions no matter what i say.  Yet, I feel like I am just sitting back and taking it.  It isn't like I believe him or anything, but I'm working so hard at standing up for myself and the continual ignoring of his bad behavior puts me right back to feeling like I used to. 

[Poison Ivy]

"He is going to go on believing his delusions no matter what i say." Accepting that you have no control over your ex's behavior is huge. Not responding to his statements and behavior is part of the process. It's definitely not easy, but you're enduring and surviving.

[notrightinthehead]

I am sorry you have to endure this.  Maybe it could help a little if you emotionally dissociated from his behaviour while keeping a precise record of all his failures to show up. In future, you might not want to re-arrange anything. You will stick to the agreements strictly. Maybe one day you will have sole custody and can keep him out of your life completely. But for now, you are not just sitting back and taking it. You are observing, taking notes, planning your next move, and protecting yourself and your kids from his odd behaviour.

[escapingman]

He is going to go on believing his delusions no matter what i say.

That's the hard bit to accept, but you have to. I have the same problem with my uNPDstbxw, she is so deluded it's not possible to have a discussion about anything. She can stand and screaming and swearing at me, and then 5 minutes later complain about how I am not civil to her by not engaging in conversation. If I try to explain that her behaviour towards me and the kids will affect how I engage with her she will deny her abuse and blame it on me instead. I am so done with trying to reason with a 2 year old, because you can't win even if you have evidence.

Good luck in these testing times.

[Call Me Cordelia]

This is hard. I haven't been in this situation with an ex, but I can see how not responding might feel like you are just "taking it."

It's not so though. Since you have children together some communication is obviously needed, for now. It takes a ton of energy to work with difficult people. And I agree with the suggestion that perhaps in the future you make no accommodations for your ex, and stick exactly to the agreements, period, no discussion.

Perhaps you can reframe your silence. It is a useful tool! If you imagine your communications as a tennis match. The court is your children and what you deem as necessary to communicate about. Him trying to engage you on other matters—your puppy, your health, whatever—is out of bounds and you let that serve just go by and land out-of-bounds. That rally is now over, point to you.

[Bunnyme1]

Thank you.  The tennis analogy helps.  I think I just needed to vent all of that out to people who get it.  I won't be responding, though it is exhausting to always be the one to remain civil.  I do it for my kids, but sometimes I just want to unleash.  Thanks to the support ive gotten here, i learned about JADE and it has saved me many times.  It just isnt always easy.  Luckily, I also have my therapist visit today. 

[losingmyself]

I do see what you're going through, it's difficult to remain the calm, steady one, and you're doing a great job!
You were saying that you had to vent, and that is what the great people here are for! But it made me think of an exercise that Kris Godinez always recommends, and that is to write out your frustrations to this person, saying everything you want to say to him, mean, nasty, whatever you're feeling. Then trot it out to the barbeque, read it out loud, and burn it. Destroy it however works for you. But do destroy it. You might have to do this often, but I bet it'll make you feel better!
Hoping you find some peace!