I did it... got sucked into facebook & now bad memories & resentment are brewing

Kovera · May 11, 2022, 03:54:00 PM

So after complete NC with my FOO back in 2015, despite improving and feeling exponentially much better without them in life long afterwards, I did something really stupid...

I looked up my covert narc mother on facebook. Having struggled with insomnia for several months now, I tend to go on my phone during the wee hours of the morning in hopes of distracting my mind from the sleeplessness. Lately depression has really gotten the best of me after losing my job due to anxiety problems, in which the impact of losing only a week of employment recently slammed me with nearly $1000 in credit debt to afford rent and expenses all in less than 2 weeks. So, when I can't sleep from the stress my mind tends to wander into the past and back into the storm of intrusive thoughts, memories, and flashbacks of my messed up upbringing. Don't get me wrong, I know the importance not to dwell on the past, I'm aware when this happens... I used to be good at stopping these thoughts from affecting me, but these last few weeks, along with the mothers day weekend they've been hitting, and hitting HARD.

I saw photos of my FOO. My aging siblings, my mother and how much "fun" her life seems to be now. Spending vacations in Hawaii, getting job promotions, being complimented on how "beautiful" her family is and, flaunting the golden child and praising her mothering. I admit, I saw all this and got so... angry. This woman, who took over 26 years of my life brainwashing me with Munchausen by proxy, willingly exposing me to abuse, being her codependent scapegoat and manipulating me, seemed to be having it all and getting away with everything she had done to me. Like the world is rewarding her with everything she doesn't deserve; fancy trips, cars, cash, being glamorized by everyone & being put on a pedestal for the wonderful "christian" mother she is. While I'm here, struggling finding the mental fortitude just to want to keep living every day at this time in life, cursed with C-PTSD and extreme anxiety since childhood, after living through all her BS.

I know facebook is usually an unrealistic representation of what people truly are & how they're living, yet this buried rage and resentment is starting to feel just as fresh as the day it started. I should have never looked at social media, previously I went cold turkey with it 3 years ago and felt so much better without it. After this mistake glancing at her facebook, I feel physically sick just seeing their faces. The siblings who beat the living crap out of me, smiling happily alongside the woman who destroyed my self esteem and sense of self worth long before I was an adult in this world, like slapping a name label that says "Hi, my name is DOORMAT" on my face from birth. A healthy normal person would feel delight and bonding looking at family photos, yet I feel such disgust, rage and sorrow... yet guilty for feeling such. I guess I thought I was finished processing all the hurt, but I was wrong. Seems like there's a volcano still hidden under all that dormant ash I never thought would never light up again after NC.

Thanks for reading. Just needed to vent a bit. Despite the darkness that has come over me these past few months, I know there is hope. I've survived this before, I can do it again. I just wish this pain, both mental and physical would stop. Intrusive thoughts and memories are like a cancerous tumor refusing to leave my brain no matter how much I try to move forward... like a terminal illness waiting to take my sanity that is the living hell of returning PTSD, threatening my everyday mindset whilst living by a dangling string.

Sucked back into the fog, and now back into the hurricane. I just pray it will soon stop.

moglow · May 11, 2022, 04:42:38 PM

Bless you - and right on the heels of mothers day. Double whammy. It's never stupid but maybe going forward "not well considered" is a better descriptive when we choose to dip a toe in there.

Been there done it myself - mommie dearest isn't on fb that I know of but I can tell you if she were I'd have no problem blocking her without a word [yes i'm now checking just to be sure!]. I've quick fast and in a hurry blocked a few who are known to carry tales for her, and I'm better for it. Sometimes the things I don't see can't hurt me, ya know? One smacked me with a comment on Father's Day last year and I about lost it then realized - she knows who mother lets her see. She has no idea and nothing I could possibly say would change that. Blocked her nonetheless. I don't need that crap and neither do you.

Block her. Block family members who aren't in contact. Don't answer questions or accept commentary that question your choice for no contact. If they can't take it up with you in person and be respectful about it, there's not one reason to do it on facebook. She can't change one thing about you, and her stuff is no longer your stuff. Pick up that chin and take a deep breath, and believe you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Credit the GOOD things, and kick the bad to the curb!!

Kovera · May 11, 2022, 10:37:46 PM

Thank you, moglow. Your post helped me to remember just how much PD's use facebook and other forms of social media to further manipulate and gain control over us and those they have convinced of their lies. It seems like you've gotten to know the drill of PD family and their manipulation behind the keyboard! I'm glad you've found strength to know you deserve better! never give in to their bait... it's what they want. Giving them any sort of response is feeding their ill minded goals and gives them the satisfaction of knowing they got you paying attention to them. NC is the ultimate middle finger to them, and they despise it.

I'm not on facebook anymore, deactivated and removed my profile years ago. I guess curiosity got the best of me and I typed in family members names through google search. I still have no intent of going back at this point, but boy do I regret the moment of weakness that caused me to even think of them again on social media. It feels so weird, I'm fully aware of my feelings and the anxiety rooted in those unrealistic fears, yet my body still responds to it all so automatically, almost like it's like it's fighting and reacting to two different minds; the current survivor that knows better and the young child who still longs for a past that was never real, trying to convince herself that maybe, just maybe she could still have a healthy normal childhood. But those years are long gone. Even though I've healed much and improved in my journey, it's like the young girl in me keeps trying to run back to the past and trying to change it, replaying everything I could and/or should have done sooner, to be free.

I look back and feel so much regret for not having realized what was happening to me sooner. Instead I kept trying to prove myself desperately to everyone around me, no sense of self and no life goals but staying at home bending over backwards for the narcs like a humble servant ready to jump at every beck and call of theirs. I feel I've wasted so much of my life on them... so much time that I will never be able to get back. I'm 33, not having opened my eyes to the fog until 26. That is more than 3/4 my life, wasted away. Time that could have been spent making a difference for my future and those around me who may have truly cared for me. But no, I was isolated at home by two very unhealthy and ill mannered parents, serving their every whim. I feel like an empty shell of a human being, wrung of all potential and used up like a disposable rag and thrown away for the next best thing once I no longer served their selfish needs.

Even now I look at what I'm writing and realize this isn't like me. I haven't felt this low in over a decade. Something about seeing my covert narcissist mother just really flared something in me lately. Regardless though, I will never break NC! nothing will ever be worth going back to that hell.

moglow · May 11, 2022, 11:48:44 PM

Kovera, start with you, putting the oxygen mask on yourself first. Your brain needs that oxygen to get through in one piece. You're human- you stumbled and likely will again. Maybe several times if my life is any indication. But you're strong and courageous, you'll pick up and dust off and maybe even occasionally see a little sad-funny in the idiocy of it all.

People who don't benefit your life certainly have no right to take anything from it. Theyre being who they are, as is their right. You have same right and an obligation to do what's best for you.