Conflicting feelings about mom and Mother’s day

[corn_flakes20]

In a previous post I went into more detail, but just as a brief background after numerous arguments with my mom (only her and I live together) I began staying with my dad since my mom slapped me and bloodied my nose after cussing at me and I cussed back and called her crazy. This all happened about 2 days ago.

Well today is mother's day and as counterintuitive as it seems, I still wanted to make this day as special for her as possible because I still love her and she hasn't been all bad to me. Albeit i'm still keeping my distance physically and emotionally. The guilt from calling her crazy and cussing at her is eating me alive still. I've apologized for both but she doesn't seem to be taking it.

Does anyone else struggle with this, having immense love for someone who has hurt you and put you through so much emotional turmoil? Is it wrong that I still want the best for her but also want to keep my distance to keep my sanity? And is it normal that I also feel no anger towards her? 

Any advice would be appreciated a lot i'm so confused with my emotions

[Amadahy]

Welcome, corn_flakes20,

Are you in a safe spot now?  What your mother did was abusive and I'm very sorry.   You have apologized for your reaction and she can choose to accept or not, that is her choice.   Yes, I love my PD mother. Yes, I want the best for her.  Yes, I feel no anger toward her (although I have in the past).  It is *healthy* that you want to keep your distance and I hope you can.  Keep checking in and know that you've got a soft spot to land, here. 

[nanotech]

It's fine still to love her- be very kind to yourself first though. I'm sending my best hugs. xxxxx