Modifications = buh bye

[Pepin]

Let me start off by saying that I have always only had a small group of friends in my life at any given time but have many, many acquaintances.  I do treasure my couple of friends or at least I thought I did.  But it seems that since there are three of us that perhaps one of us would have to step aside and that is where I am going with this.

I have literally had the same friend for around 20 years - my longtime and dearest friend.  We have remained friends throughout so much.  And then suddenly a number of years ago another friend emerged because one of their children is close friends with one of my dearest friend's children.  This meant that when we got together that all three of us would be together and that I admit took getting used to.  My children are not friends with this newer friend's children due to age and gender - nor are my children close anymore with my dearest friend's children.  And I think as a result, my two friends have grown closer with each other and they live closer to each other anyway....walking distance whereas I am a drive. 

Both friends recently have asked for some modifications such as refraining from gift giving anymore at holidays and birthdays and also pulling out from holiday celebrations together due to scheduling among other things.  I have always looked forward to these things and seem a little lost at the moment.  I actually feel kind of lonely because it is hard for the three of us to align and get together whereas for my oldest and dearest friend, it was never an issue.  I do believe that our friendship has cooled off a bit because of the third friend...

The third friend is literally a hornet's nest of problems.....one thing after another, nonstop.  Every single time we all meet it is something to unload.  As an introvert and highly sensitive person, I have had to really work hard to remain grounded and let her rant.  However, this feels as though we only meet to discuss what's going on with her.  She does come from a dysfunctional past.....and there is not doubt dysfunction within her marriage and I now think it is she who is the one with issues - some vein of BPD for sure. 

I think I just totally overlooked what was happening because I was maybe still playing to people pleasing in a sense?  I mean yeah, I did challenge this newer friend a number of times to clarify a few things that I didn't quite get and she danced around most of it.  Excuse after excuse...

After literally a lifetime of dysfunction, and the final passing of CN MIL, I have decided that I just can't have these kinds of dead weighted people in my life holding me under.  I just can't.  With the time I have left on this earth, I deserve to be me without compromise.  I'm going to take these modifications and run with it and quietly make an exit.  I desperately need some new friends that like to do things and have interests in things like I do.  At the moment I am seriously content with minimal daily interactions with neighbors and employees that I interact with - it really is just enough.  And of course working in my yard.  I just can't see going forward with a single dysfunctional person ever again.   It's just too much.  I'm worn out.  Literally.

[pianissimo]

Both friends recently have asked for some modifications such as refraining from gift giving anymore at holidays and birthdays and also pulling out from holiday celebrations together due to scheduling among other things.  I have always looked forward to these things and seem a little lost at the moment.  I actually feel kind of lonely because it is hard for the three of us to align and get together whereas for my oldest and dearest friend, it was never an issue.  I do believe that our friendship has cooled off a bit because of the third friend...

This looks unfair.

I think I just totally overlooked what was happening because I was maybe still playing to people pleasing in a sense?  I mean yeah, I did challenge this newer friend a number of times to clarify a few things that I didn't quite get and she danced around most of it.  Excuse after excuse...

I think it's hard to notice what's going wrong until things start to unfold. Given the long history you have with one of your friends, you must have been doing a lot of things right. It's probably not about you, and I doubt that you could notice what was coming earlier. I think we realize there is a problem when the behaviours start to become a pattern, and, to me, this seems like the healthy way to judge what people do.

After literally a lifetime of dysfunction, and the final passing of CN MIL, I have decided that I just can't have these kinds of dead weighted people in my life holding me under.  I just can't.  With the time I have left on this earth, I deserve to be me without compromise.  I'm going to take these modifications and run with it and quietly make an exit.  I desperately need some new friends that like to do things and have interests in things like I do.  At the moment I am seriously content with minimal daily interactions with neighbors and employees that I interact with - it really is just enough.  And of course working in my yard.  I just can't see going forward with a single dysfunctional person ever again.   It's just too much.  I'm worn out.  Literally.

There is serenity in these thoughts.

[1footouttadefog]

I think that often over time people's needs change.  Different challenges and life stages contribute to this. 

Perhaps you served a different friendship role for this long time friend that you do now.  Perhaps her needs have changed.

This does not have to mean anyone is wrong, just that things are different for everyone involved regarding who they are now, and what is going on with them.

It does not have to mean anything negative about you and at the same could very well mean positive things.

I have a friend who I discuss PD topics with.  She had a terrible H who was very abusive.  She later dated some real losers and we would chat about all that as well as other things we had going on.

She finally found a somewhat stable relationship and now is online deep in that and I hear from her very little.  I am happy for her, despite feeling a bit like a hot potato. 

I guess in reality out friendship was a little narrowly based and as her needs have changed so our friendship.  I have come to accept such things and manage expectations when a friendship has a small base. 

I had a long term very broad based relationship that lasted decades.  The last several years my friend was alive he retreated into his mental health problems and our friendship changed as a result.  In this case it was a matter of sort of growing it as it was happening and when he passed away, I did not grief much as I had been losing the friend over a long period of time.

It hurts to lose a friend, I am sorry for the pain this must cause.  I hope you find new friends that are perfect for where and who you are today.