The PD and the Therapist

[escapingman]

As I was collecting my evidence and relistened to some voice recordings, I heard something I hadn't heard before. During one of uNPDstbxs Narcissistic Rages she on her way out of the room I was in, but closer to my recording equipment, she shouted "I have told my shrink everything, she knows all about your abuse". I knew she was talking to someone about another issue she has, I am wondering if she is now blaming me for that issue (she has in the past) and now is telling her therapist that I am the problem and that I am doing all the abuse she actually is doing herself? Could this also play a part in how her behaviour has escalated lately, because she is being validated by someone else that is is not her but it is me? It's just starting to add up for me, could I be right? Have anyone else experienced something like this?

[SonofThunder]

EM, in my opinion it is simply classic PD projection. Projection imo serves a few purposes for a PD:

-transfers guilt, blame and shame to the target

-internally justifies harsh actions/reactions toward the target

-confuses those who can only work with what they are given (T's, attorneys, friends, pastors, etc.)

-causes the target to potentially expend time/energy analyzing and defending oneself, which isn't necessary for the target, as truth will defend itself.  Therefore imo, trying to figure out the mindset of a PD in your situation, is energy spent that will not yield benefit. 

*I believe that last one may be very important to consider, as we have other things more important to focus upon.  For me, its finding peace and continuing to well manage my business and assets.  For you though, imo, its first getting your kids to safety, then getting yourself to safety, because of the recent escalations which demand that parental necessary action.  Then afterward, its working on focus-managing your life's responsibilities as a father, provider, asset manager, employer/employee and so on. 

*I did not write husband nor housemate. You have already declared a divorce so 'husband' is now just a legal term.  Housemate, in the current escalation, is imo, impossible and dangerous to attempt. 

SoT

[Stillirise]

I find this to be a common PD projection behavior. I agree with SoT, so please take what you can from my own wasted mental energy over this issue.  Updxh would frequently spew gross mischaracterizations, and outright lies, in an attempt to discredit me in front of the kids, his lawyer, and even our marriage counselor back when I thought there was hope for change.  I spent a lot of mental energy worrying about who else he said these things to, if he truly believed them to be true, and why.

In the end, I realized it mattered very little in the final outcome, and there was nothing I could do about it anyway.  In the two years since we separated, I started encouraging the kids to trust their own experiences and judgement.  That seems to be the most helpful thing I've done so far, in helping them process it all. As far as everyone else, it didn't matter. Sure, some people may have believed him, but as far as affecting my life now, it's had zero effect.  In the end, the truth will stand for itself.

When you're in the midst of a war, like you are now, it can be hard to know what's worth your time.  Let me assure you, this is one you can let go of.  Even if she is lying to herself or others, you can't stop her.  Stick to your own plans, and let her keep flailing in every direction.

[Poison Ivy]

My ex has been in mental health treatment for on and off for much of his life. Often, but not always, this included therapy. I assume that he was and is providing his own thoughts, feelings, and versions of events to therapists.  It's aggravating to think about this, so I don't. I have no control over it, and it's better that my ex have a therapist than that he not have one.

[justducky]

I agree with what Poison Ivy, Stillrise, and SonofThunder have said.

trying to figure out the mindset of a PD in your situation, is energy spent that will not yield benefit.  ... we have other things more important to focus upon.  ... For you though, imo, its first getting your kids to safety, then getting yourself to safety, because of the recent escalations which demand that parental necessary action.

EM, if you and your daughters were being abused by a woman who lived down the street, you wouldn't care about whatever was happening in her head. You'd get your kids and yourself away from her and probably call the cops. Her mental state is not your problem. It's her problem and if she's disordered enough to be abusing neighbors, society's problem. Leave it to the professionals.

If a large dog were about to attack you, you wouldn't care if it were attacking because it's hungry or if it's sick or what. You'd defend yourself and get away, and call the cops or animal control to deal with the dangerous animal.

When you're under attack, knowing why the predator is attacking doesn't keep you safe. Spending time researching and trying to figure the predator out keeps you connected to the predator and in harm's way.

Even if you could figure out exactly why STBX is verbally, emotionally, and physically attacking you and your daughters on a daily basis, what difference would it make? It's not like if you told her she'd listen and say, "Wow, you're right! I've behaved appallingly. I will now act like a sane, loving wife and mother." Even if you told a judge it wouldn't matter. The problem is her unrelenting abusive behavior, not the cause of it.

[escapingman]

Love it, absolutely love it! Thanks for all your replies, your supports is priceless!

[didntsignupforthis]

I've been experiencing something similar. I had 2 housemates, one diagnosed BPD and the other uNPD. The BPD one always projected false allegations onto people in her life (family, boyfriend, coworkers, etc), so when she started doing that to me I thought our other housemate would see the truth for herself. Instead, she leveraged the other's BPD for her own NPD objectives and validated all the false allegations against me. It started a snowball-to-avalanche effect, with more and more people getting sucked into the smear campaign, so that the shear numbers of people repeating the lies was seen as evidence of their truth. The one with BPD, validated and emboldened, went so far as to file a bogus restraining order against me and to call the police more than half a dozen times with false claims against me. In reality, the two of them harassed me daily in our shared home while I mostly hid in my room with the door barricaded. It's been very stressful and I'm constantly worried about what's coming next. I'm hoping what the others said is true, that eventually with time the truth will win, but so far in my experience no one's willing to actually examine the evidence because they've already made up their minds.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry you're experiencing this, didntsignupforthis.

Differences between your situation and those involving therapists include that therapists have a legal duty of confidentiality and therapists are trained to spot lying (i.e., not necessarily believe everything they are told by their patients).

[didntsignupforthis]

Good point, Poison Ivy.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

My stbxh projects all the time. He told his therapist, I was there, that he doesn't feel safe with me. I was just Out of the FOG and part of me wanted to laugh.

Lately, he's been escalating and his projections are insane!! He can't stop it.

The replies here are so helpful. What sticks with me is this:  It doesn't matter what it is, he's 100%abusive. I don't engaged because he wants me to defend myself and and keep the abuse going.   Nope. I wish he didn't tell people lies about me, but oh well.