Feeling Hurt

[Kat54]

I'm not sure how to move past this and start to feel better but almost 3 years on from my divorce my ex still has my kids wrapped around his finger.

The relationship with my kids is good but not great. They are adults in their twenties and My ex has easily managed to portray himself as the victim and that's how they treat him. They think of me as the strong one and that I'm fine. Which for the most part I am. I'm happy and at peace in my life.

But when I see social media of my kids out with my ex. This Time they were all out to dinner celebrating my sons girlfriends graduation from law school. I gave her a card with some money, which to do that I had to track them, my son and his girlfriend, down multiple times and finally interrupt the lunch they were out to.

I see invites at the house posted on a board to the family... this does not include me. It's usually the three of them.

I feel like they are used to being disrespectful to me because that's what their father did. I try and call them out on this stuff. I feel like shouting to them he was abusive and I had to get away. The word abuse never came up in conversations with them as I was afraid it would alienate me from them by calling their father something terrible.

I'm the outsider with my kids and I feel that all the time.

[losingmyself]

Hi Kat
I feel your pain. My X is and was MR Wonderful and I couldn't be. They're adults now, and as much as I would like to tell them why I had to leave their dad, I don't see the point. They love him, they have to know his faults by now, and I didn't make good decisions after I left, so he was all they had for a while. But it still hurt that they loved him , seemingly more than me. It just isn't fair.
I thought about having this big conversation with them about all the why's, but He is who he is, to them. That's ok.
I make a conscious effort to make relationships with them. I call, or text, and do what I can. My DD calls almost daily now, as she has moved away. My DS isn't so communicative, but, I bug him, and we enjoy each other's company.
Just stay in their lives. Do the best you can. There are plenty of milestones to come. Let them know you're thinking of them. Congratulate them when something happens. Let them know you're watching. It's a long game. But it's life. It gets better. It has to.

[hhaw]

Kat:

When your adult children are disrespectful to you.... how do you address it wtih them?

You wrote you feel they;re disrespectful to you bc they witnessed their father treating you that way (paraphrasing) and you want to scream at them, but what do you say?  How do you say it?

There's a book called The Parallel Process by Krissy Pozatek, LICSW and it's a general guide on changing the way we speak to our children and what we say.... to get something different from what we've been getting.

You might get one or two things from it.... likely much more, but certainly it's not tailored to your specific situation.  It would be helpful in understanding what's going on, and arms you with ways to improve communication.  If you read it.... you'll see what I'm talking about. 

Sometimes being vulnerable and honest with our children is really really hard... esp if we've been the strong ones, IME. 

Good luck, you're a good mother