Confused - Borderline spouse

[Chromite]

Fear, Obligation, and Guilt describe exactly how I have been feeling for most of my marriage. 

My spouse is likely borderline, rages and is verbally abusive to my three children and I.  It has taken me a long time, but I have come to terms with it, but I now realize I am in a mentally and verbally abusive relationship.  It has deeply and negatively affected me, and is hurting my kids as well.  We have run the course on multiple rounds of therapy,  However I have come to realize that despite all of this we still get stuck in cycles of anger and verbal abuse.

My spouse has also been diagnosed with cancer.  On top of everything above, this has put our family through hell since the diagnosis.  My spouse will need to be on some form of chemotherapy for the rest of his/her life.  We have grappled with medical debt and chemotherapy symptoms across the board.  I have been blamed for the cancer, and my kids have blamed for the cancer.  My spouse has discussed his/her death in front of my kids.  Throughout our marriage my spouse has threatened suicide many times, made half hearted attempts, and threatened divorce more times than I can count.  I have been physically struck by my spouse several times throughout our marriage.   

Somehow I have kept going.  This latest round of anger and acting out has pushed me closer than ever to considering divorce.  But I fear how it will turn out.  My spouse is high functioning and can present a positive front.  The whipsaw of normal, raging anger, then back to normal has kept me off balance and hoping for change.  I fear what divorce would mean for our family and how he/she will react.  I fear he/she might end up with custody of the kids.  I also feel guilt and obligation to keep my spouse on my health insurance as the treatment is very expensive, ongoing, and likely extending life.  I wonder what it might mean to be a single parent.  I wonder if I have the strength to do this.               

[Spring Butterfly]

Welcome to this community and you have been through so much. Given the history it's really good you're considering your decision from all angles. The Toolbox link at the top of the forum has some amazing suggestions that will help you navigate interactions with more ease. The Top 100 Traits and especially the Do and Don't section of each have some tips for how to manage interacting with the most common behaviors. I hope you find the community here as helpful in your journey as it has been in mine. There are several boards related to Chosen Relationships in addition to this information: https://www.outofthefog.website/relationships/

Wishing you and your littles so much peace.