Current thoughts and thank you

[Pepin]

Starboard Song - thank you for making this board happen.  It clearly seems that there was a need for conversation amongst members for this particular chapter of PD dysfunction and not just my own need.   

At the moment, all is relatively quiet in my realm of PD dysfunction.  One thing that I did notice the other day however is that CN MIL has not been mentioned lately and barely at all before that since her death.  There hasn't been one hint that she is missed and no tears have been shed in my presence by anyone.  I don't know what thoughts DH has circulating in his head about her - and I'm not about to ask.  Honestly, I think he is preoccupied with the division she created and how that is going to play out going forward.  And I worry about that, too.  What leaves me at a loss for words is how DH is quick to defend her and her end of life wishes while I and generally everyone else think it was pretty vindictive.  And being the spouse of someone who supports what she did (and knowing about it for quite some time but barred from speaking up) leaves me feeling pretty gross.  I didn't know CN MIL for as long as DH did - she obviously didn't raise me and I didn't live under her roof - so I don't really know who she was before I met her.  But the woman I met when DH became a part of my life really was a confusing and complex individual.  She was both predictable and unpredictable.  She did have some redeeming qualities -- but she also had some highly mind boggling behaviors that pertained only to her.  And DH was her hero son that was groomed from DNA to cover any of her shortcomings with whatever excuse was suitable.    

The other thing that I can't seem to get out of my mind is her funeral photo.  I did not approach her casket and kept my distance.  I tried not to look at the photo during the funeral.  The photo was one of her that I had never seen before.  She was smiling like I have never seen her do.  In fact, it could almost be said that she was glamorized in that photo -- which is 100% NOT who she was.  Each day I hope that that image of her will get fuzzier in my mind along with everything else I went through with her.  DH clearly idolized who she was and felt that that photo was an appropriate depiction of her.  It was a brief service and one person had a few extra words to say.  She wasn't even talked about at the reception afterwards....it was like carry on as usual.   

[SunnyMeadow]

Is your dh the "sweep things under the rug/everything is fine" type? Is that his usual way of dealing with things? I think I tend to do that a bit so I can stop thinking about an event. At least for me, if I dwell on things too much there will be tears or too much thinking about the issue.

I don't know what thoughts DH has circulating in his head about her - and I'm not about to ask.

No way, I wouldn't ask either.

I find it odd that she isn't spoken about, even at the reception afterwards. I talk about my mother and not in a flattering way! The PD person leaves chaos and destruction even after death, don't they? What a legacy     My mother caused so many family break-ups and fights that haven't been patched up after her death. She royally f'd up many lives. Sounds like your MIL did too. Did you write about your MIL's vindictive end of life wishes on the forums? I'd like to read about it. (it's possible I did and have forgotten)

I can see how her funeral photo would be a shock since you had never seen her in that way before. Like "who the heck is that"?

[bloomie]

Pepin - It seems pretty symbolic that a photo to commemorate your mil was chosen that was not an accurate depiction of who she actually was - even to how she actually looked. I can see how a photo someone must've thought was flattering, or that she possibly chose, was disconcerting and ugly to you on a lot of levels. The image wasn't real.

Knowing that vindictive end of life plans were set in place by your mil, but having zero power over the outcome has to be so frustrating and isolating. I am wondering if, in time, your DH will have some aha moments and big regrets for any way he may have been a party to the plans.

I was just reading this morning about how important it is to develop a fruitful life that will live on long after we leave this earth in the lives or our loved ones... it sure seems like was not the case with your mil. That is very sad.

[Pepin]

Did you write about your MIL's vindictive end of life wishes on the forums? I'd like to read about it. (it's possible I did and have forgotten)

No....I haven't shared any details yet.  I barely shared a few with my own siblings and I've been tight lipped with my friends.  It would make DH look "bad" and I don't have the strength at the moment to explain this to people -- because I knew about it and because it is so outrageous to think that someone like CN MIL could do what she did...I couldn't have said anything even if I wanted to because it would have meant the end of our marriage - and our kids would end up spending more time with her when they would be with DH.  I wasn't about to let that happen. 

All I can say is that CN MIL clearly set out to punish her children for not doing what she wanted them to do with their lives.  Technically DH marrying me should have been considered going against his mother's wishes but she needed him so I was tolerated.  DH's punishment was that he abide to do her bidding against his siblings if he wanted to inherit anything (and this is a family that was very poor at the beginning so there is drama around poverty)  and that I too would be punished by having my husband's time taken from me on a regular basis to help his mother carry out her destruction. 

All I can say is that CN MIL had no love for any of her children.  They were all pawns pitted against each other in order to ensure her survival...   

[SunnyMeadow]

That's awful,  no wonder you don't have the energy or desire to write it down. She sounds terrible. 

[Poison Ivy]

My former in-laws have been dead for almost three years. (They died, of separate causes, within two months of each other in late 2019.) I'm relieved for my ex-husband, as he is for himself, that they have passed away. But he hasn't changed much since their deaths. It's not that I expected him to change. But the lack of change has confirmed my belief that my ex willingly participated in his father's use and misuse of him. (His mother had severe Alzheimer's disease and was not competent to demand my ex's presence, as his father did.) I think my ex was grateful to have a socially acceptable reason to abandon me and our children.

[Pepin]

I think my ex was grateful to have a socially acceptable reason to abandon me and our children.

This is definitely something that I have actually wondered - which is why I am carefully watching DH.  The only thing that I can think of is that since he was raised to be a rescuer, that he finds validation in being a hero - and that was his way of survival with dysfunction.  When we met however, he wasn't that way because he didn't live near CN MIL at the time.  It is only in her presence that he reverted back to being dutiful son (total betrayal to me)...

I have noticed little glimpses here and there of him trying to exert his hero-ness onto others....and that is what I am monitoring and I hope it amounts to nothing.  I'd like for him to be able to find his way back to himself -- and be that man, rather than the man that is controlled by others.   

[Poison Ivy]

I am hoping this for you, too, Pepin!