Finally went fully NC.

[sambellscoup]

I did it by letter, since that's the only method of communication I can use with my parents and not get talked across with excuses, gaslighting, diminishing, etc. Also keeps them away from electronic means of contact.

I feel sad that in the 12 or so years I've been trying to gently address issues with them, they've failed to step up. Back then, I really believed they would. I'm sad that they didn't value a relationship with me enough to pull out all the stops and get to work solving their problems so we could have a healthy relationship, instead my NM just carrying on with her behaviour since she gets no consequences, and EF protecting her even if it involves throwing me or others under the bus.

EF 's approach to it has been to treat it all pretty insensitively, to dance around actually owning or apologising for anything I try to address with him, explaining it away quickly/deflecting, and then hyperfocusing on some earlier issue I brought up pretending to be addressing that issue now, throwing my focus off and manipulating me into thinking "Ah finally, things are going to change!" (read: shutting me up) only for him to stop short of that one, tiny, scarcely significant step in the right direction. Because it worked to shut me up.

NM is just hopeless. I tried visiting home after my first time broaching the subject of her worst abuse of me, and she briefly whispered a teary apology, but then EF spent the whole week avoiding me, and NM realised that she could just get away with it after all since he was avoiding doing our saying anything, and so she took back her apology and switched to gaslighting me instead. It's like each of them makes the other worse, like they're bad influences on each other. She might have stuck with the apology if she wasn't handed an easy way out by EF, and EF might have actually been a better father if he had a wife who held him to a better standard.

I'm so tired of pretending I'm ok with having contact with them. Even though there was very little at this stage, all via snail mail, it felt so wrong anyway. It messed with my head. I can't tolerate living such a fake life. It wasn't enough for me to just ignore the birthday cards and Xmas cards and gifts, all from NM. I know she'll likely still send some more of these hoovering materials at some point, but it will feel very different for me now that I've put my foot down and actually said "no". At least I'm no longer pretending along with them.

I let some of my anger show in the letter. I told them in no uncertain terms how severely their actions have affected me, including getting to an extremely dangerous level of depression in my mid teens, and my CPTSD now. Just so they can't pretend not to understand why I'm NC. I have been so gentle and careful with their feelings in all my other communications with them, and the rare times I've got angry it has set off EF's monkey dance and I've got nowhere.

I feel relieved that now there's at least a chance I'll stop receiving hoovering junk through the mail, but I'm sad that they wouldn't just grow up, even with me waiting 12 years for them to do so. I guess I needed to learn. They'll be upset, maybe angry, and probably a little afraid when they get the letter, because they're terrified of other people finding out. But I'm no longer keeping their secrets for them. I'm free now to just state the truth about them when trusted people ask.

They do not value me enough to change for the better. I do not value them enough to torment my own mind any further tiptoeing around them and their steaming BS. I'm out.

It's both freeing and sad.

Thanks if you've read this far. ❤️

[Starboard Song]

They do not value me enough to change for the better. I do not value them enough to torment my own mind any further tiptoeing around them and their steaming BS. I'm out.

It's both freeing and sad.

Oh, isn't it though?

If I haven't said it, welcome to Out of the FOG. I see you are pretty new here.

I and my wife are 7 years NC from her parents. My big themes around here remain maintaining a peaceful mind and minimizing collateral damage. We announced our NC decision via email 10 minutes before blocking them on every form of communications available.  The last time we communicated to them is now some 5 years behind us.

I am proud of you. I don't know if I have ever seen anyone still in the raw and bleeding thick of it encapsulate the situation so neatly as you did in the words I quoted above. It's so true: "you could have at least pretended to love me enough." We felt that so hard. And given the history, given how reliably they can be counted on to fail you and hurt you again, it is reasonable to decide they are not worth that cost.

This is what leads us to NC when we are at our best: never revenge, never anger. I believe boundaries and NC are acts of love and kindness: preserving peace for ourselves so that we can thrive for the many people who count on us and appreciate us and learn and love from us. Good for you, that you are giving the gift of yourself to those poeple. I once told my FIL that I didn't owe it to "boil my sweat on the fire of her anger." You owe that to nobody.

Buckle up. It may be hard for a while. It comes and goes. But you are doing a good thing. Do it with kindness and love in your heart. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.

Be good. Be strong.

[sambellscoup]

Thanks so much for your response. EF did actually pretend when he needed to manipulate the situation, then once he'd shut me up he would just carry on as if nothing had happened/no serious history of abuse had just been brought up. Last time I wrote to him, in which I brought up his one major abuse incident, along with some of the things my brother was allowed to do to me and how my grandmother's death was triggering a lot of emotions because she used to protect me from him when she could... his response was a text saying he'd read it a few times, that I shouldn't have to be troubled by things from my past, and that he was there if I needed to talk.

Like.

What??

I know I shouldn't be in the position of being troubled by things done to me, how about owning up and apologising for your role in making it a reality? How about you call me and say you're sorry and commit to making things right, including no longer excusing what my NM or the GC did/do to me?

Back when I first revealed my NM's worst abuse, he told me initially that he'd understand if I never wanted anything to do with her again... but also brought an elaborate gift from her on that visit which messed with my head, and he started by giving me the gift from her and telling me how she was soooo upset etc. And then take about how she didn't know how to show love because she wasn't shown it herself growing up, and then changed topic to another, unrelated one that I'd tried to bring up before and focused on that instead. So he'll appear to be helping me deal with a situation, but all along he'll mention NM plenty of times (ie promote her), or GC brother, pad on stuff from them despite pretending to understand that I want space from that person, then change the subject and sweep the other one under the rug, and once I'm sufficiently confused and feeling guilty or trapped into being involved with them as much as ever, he'll just drop everything as if nothing ever happened.

I have a bunch of guilt and fear this evening though, like I'm worried just in case he's really changing after all just very slowly, or because maybe it's the best he can do and I'm being mean cutting him off. But, I literally got severe dissociation every time I was on the phone to him, where after the call was over I would feel like I was floating off the ground and couldn't feel my surroundings anymore, and it was terrifying and got worse after every call - not because he was doing/saying anything terrible, purely because I couldn't handle the pretending anymore and the pressure to "keep the peace", there was so much hereby stuff going unaddressed despite me trying to gently address it, and the rare times I've got a little bit angry (always justifiably!) he's been only too happy to get into a little rage of his own and shut me down for daring to have an emotion.

So, even if he was being absolutely fantastic right now, the fact is my brain doesn't cope with contact with him, it dissociates quite horribly. And snail mail was the safest I could do so I managed to reduce it to that, but it still messes with me and puts my mind in a clash with itself, like a milder dissociation than the one o get from phone calls. So for the sake of my own health, I'm kind of forced to do this anyway. I'm not well after contact with them. And counseling hasn't changed that.

[moglow]

This is what leads us to NC when we are at our best: never revenge, never anger. I believe boundaries and NC are acts of love and kindness: preserving peace for ourselves so that we can thrive for the many people who count on us and appreciate us and learn and love from us. Good for you, that you are giving the gift of yourself to those poeple. I once told my FIL that I didn't owe it to "boil my sweat on the fire of her anger." You owe that to nobody.

Buckle up. It may be hard for a while. It comes and goes. But you are doing a good thing. Do it with kindness and love in your heart. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.

Sir Starboard speaks true: NC is not about anger or revenge, it's not proving anything or undermining anyone. It's most certainly not a nyah nyah! thumbing your nose at someone else's pain. It's more of a [semi] calm acceptance that you cannot continue as in the past, that no one is being served by the relationship.

It's a damned difficult choice to make. When you've tried repeatedly with real conversations that are swept under the rug, major problems that are excused and justified in every way with no acceptance of other points of view, possibly even [as I've experienced] being mocked and belittled for daring to voice the very real damage that's been done - there's not much of a path forward BUT no contact. When contact continues to be damaging, with more layers added rather than anything being resolved or even addressed with any smidge of respect, it tells us who they are. More importantly it reminds us who WE are, that we deserve better.

It's not easy but I'm finding it more peaceful as the days pass. It's been a roller coaster with some pretty harsh dips here and there, but overall? I'll take this any day and twice on Sunday rather than the abuse I permitted for so long. My only regret at this point is that I didn't find this strength within myself years ago.

We're here with you.

[sambellscoup]

Thank you for reminding me why I'm doing this. Yes, it's simply unsustainable for me to continue having them in my life. My brain feels like it breaks on any interaction with them. I'm done hurtng myself for their benefit. They will have to go find someone else to hurt.

I looked at my scars today. Actual physical scars from my GC brother's violence, which they blatantly allowed to happen right in front of them. I decided to take pictures. If I ever doubt myself, I can glance at those pictures and be reminded of their true attitude towards me, because the memories of how I got them encapsulate their callousness towards me, and I need to remember that they haven't changed and they'd do it all again.

I feel like a weight has been lifted, but I feel so down that it took NC to feel this much better, and that my own parents hated me enough to do the things they did. It's almost like waking up to realise I barely had parents at all.

[NarcKiddo]

It's almost like waking up to realise I barely had parents at all.

It's a horrible realisation, isn't it? And yet explains so much.

I myself have not gone NC. LC and grey rock seem to be serving me reasonably well for now. I hope this situation will continue.

I think you are wise to take your pictures and maybe document some other things for days when you doubt yourself. Because you will. Hopefully you will not be a victim of their hoovering any more, but they might try. And sometimes doubt can creep in just because their actions can be so bizarre and inexplicable in the cold light of day. I actually said to my therapist recently "I hope you don't think I live in some huge fantasy world and am making this all up!" I take comfort in the fact that I don't actually think anyone could make it up.

It sounds to me like you now need to find a way to parent yourself and work gently through the past trauma. I wish you comfort and healing.

[Starboard Song]

It's almost like waking up to realise I barely had parents at all.

Quite so.

When we go NC for the right reasons at the right time, that is not us losing our parents or whomever. When we go NC for the right reasons at the right time, we'd lost that person long ago, or never had them. Understanding that the having of a loving partner or parent or whomever is an option not on the table is critical to minimizing the dissonance we feel.