Til death do us part ... no contact ... collateral damage ... all the damage

[Elsbeth]

It has been a long while since I posted here. My asking for a divorce in early 2008 eventually came to its legal conclusion in Summer of 2020. My ex is an uNPD. There are children that have obviously grown up since me asking for the divorce.

Legally, the enmeshments of the divorce completely end in a couple of years. One of the major components, spousal support, ends this year.

I thought in the summer of 2020; with the final stamped order/arbitration/binding agreements, that life would settle into a "post-divorce" world - where you do what the orders say and move on. Of course that is sadly mistaken and not surprising. No amount of boundary setting by me has come to any fruition - instead my boundaries are regarding as fodder to spoil the kids against me. Money has a way of doing that I suppose.

I cannot compete with mega-Wall Street style money ex when I have lived off the spousal support while "maintaining the status quo" of being a stay at home parent. Now I begin the process of supporting myself. Best advice - always be able to support yourself and never give that up. I wish I had that advice given to me decades ago. But no, stay at home parent was the apex to reach. Lesson learned.

And now I am at the stage of trying to figure out who I am and what I do ... and I am managing the last of the kids except the last kid has dropped on me all that I am to blame and have done wrong because of the divorce. And don't speak ill of their father (I don't, I point out actions) And of course, this after a weekend of the kid having some immersion with the ex.

Same as it ever was.

I am writing as I see the uNPD as what has been written here in the resources - where the nPD sees that you cannot win, ever, and if they are to lose then you must lose worse. And this is the last of that playing out ... the attempt to still alienate a kid from me ... except after this weekend, it seems the ex has managed to do it.

Everything my kid yelled at me for having done over the divorce, was a blind side hit ... 

So here I am ... til death do us part even though divorced.  Apparently legal stuff being over, and the ending of support coming soon to an end, isn't enough to satisfy that nPD ego ... kids are the connection and will forever be used to show disparities and rewrite the history of the divorce process.

No contact?  Seems this would mean no contact with kids too. Not too sure how to handle that. My current frame of mind is to do a geographic, and then of course live in fear/terror of future weddings and then grandkids. 

I wanted a divorce because I was unhappy.  I said I'd do right by the kids. And I did my best under all the circumstances. All that has changed is time has passed.

I am still unhappy, I did right for the kids but am blamed for so much, and doing my best didn't matter when the bar is perfection.

[hhaw]

Elsbeth:

Your child is likely parroting your ex and feeling some fear over growing up and figuring life out.  My 19yo dd just gave me a real jerking around over her feeling I'd failed her during her eating disorder management while stating she felt she was the only adult in the house (her pretty stable 21yo sister lives with us) and had no one to count on.

THIS drove me back into the arms of my most excellent Trauma Informed Therapist who told me eating disorders are about needing to feel in control and blaming other people is about needing control...... and that made so much sense, calmed me and restored my equilibrium.  DD19 calmed down, admitted she spent a year worrying about being released into the world on her own on her 18th birthday (not in our family, ever) and we're getting along fine again, but I had to get some distance on it and take care of myself.

One of the things dd19 said while going for my jugular was "I would have been better off with a father." 

THAT struck a nerve, bc I know SHE KNOWS that's not true in her case..... and she's said that so many times... actually thanking me for NOT exposing her to the toxicity of a dx'd ASPD with heavy N features. 

I guess the final analysis, at this point, is living with PDs and Co dependent parents leaves marks, both positive and negative.  My girls are familiar with psych terms, not bc I've used them so much, but bc they;ve observed PD conduct in our family AND in their friends and teachers and done their own homework..... so darned informed and wise for their ages.  WAY ahead of where I was at their ages.

There's pros and cons and you shouldn't take your child's criticisms personally..... easier said than done, but it just eats up your sanity and energy better used to right your boat and model healthy coping strategies, boundaries and enforcing them.

You have the relationship with your child..... the relationship you want to have..... don't allow abuse from anyone, including your children and know blame an attacks are coming from their own interpersonal angst and need for control..... it's their stuff, not yours.

I hope the next phase of your life is fulfilling and filled with joy, Elsbeth.  Even as your loved ones struggle around you.... you can remain level and be the most responsive you OR you can worry worry worry about them, wonder what the PD is doing to create the trouble and refuse to accept there are parts of this outside your control.  We're not as helpful when we're reactive and unable to respond in the most helpful way, IME.

I always find angst and worry signal my inability to accept something, so I look for that in myself pretty quickly now.

It helps.

Radical acceptance..... embracing curiosity instead of judgment..... tsunamis of self compassion and breathing myself back to center always help and if they don't..... I have to DO something physical to get into a head space where those things work for me again.  Typically I push on doorframes with evrything I have, bc fight or flight/survival brain NEEEEDS to ACT.... it believes we're in life or death danger.  Truly.

Build a joyful life, Elsbeth.  The PD will always be a PD, but you have choice.  Embrace the choice. 

[Elsbeth]

hhaw

thank you for your words of wisdom ... I'm not sure I took my kids words personally - I certainly was blind sided and hurt - sad - heart broken. Maybe it is all about control.

either way, I went for long walk. and I am who I am - flawed but always trying. And I know I will just continue to be me - still trying to set boundaries and still trying to form my own way ...

my kid is now at the ex house for a few days before returning for a short period before they go to their university apartment and work

at this point I don't know what my kid knows is true or not, and I know that is out of my control.

I really appreciate your words of wisdom. And will come back here to re-read them as I right my own ship and set my sails and continue to work on relationships.

Thanks

[hhaw]

Elsbeth:

I think our children want the truth..... even when it's difficult.  I do.

When your child comes at you again.... repeats things your ex says..... maybe just ask your child....

"what do you think?"

Then listen without expectation or judgment.  Just..... listen.

Good luck

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Elsbeth -

When I look back on tough periods of my life, I wish I could go tell my younger self to have some faith and let go of what you can not control.  I think children, even adult children, look at their parents' behavior.  So, try and enjoy your life - a career/job that brings you some satisfaction, friends, hobbies, whatever...  I have a very difficult relationship with my oldest and with time I have learned how to enjoy life while still a piece of my heart is broken, but it does get easier.   

What's that saying ?  The best revenge is leading a good life.  That's what I remind myself when my soon to be ex rattles off lies about me and people believe  it - if they believe it, then I'm glad they are not in my life.  Easier to write then to live it, it's hard - best of luck.

[Fae Greenwood]

Hhaw is absolutely right. A big part of this is fear about leaving the nest and whether they'll soar or crash. I have 4 adult kids and went through a version of this with each of them. It is so common that my DD2's university sent out a general email in early December of her first year about expecting issues over Christmas break. They're dependent children and full adults at the same time. Who in the world can handle that well? When my oldest two left home, my uNPDh and I had been a a very good place for a few years. When my youngest two left home, we'd been in a bad place for a few years. I had the same exact issues with each. Parenting adults is nearly as hard as parenting small children and just as necessary to do it with compassion and acceptance as well as with firm boundaries. Good luck. And like with small children, it gets easier over time.