Hello again, for the second time around...do not know where to begin...

[outofthefoginfla]

Hi, I found this site some years ago (or a similar one, not sure) as I was embarking on my second marriage and already having struggles. I divorced a man in 2009 after a short and rocky marriage and am fairly certain he is a narcissist (various professionals who have met him indicate he is). We have two kids together and he has been an abusive game player for years. But he is not my main concern right now. My kids are teens and through a lot of hard work, they are doing okay.  For that, I am grateful.

So yes, sadly and stupidly, I jumped into another marriage over 5 years ago and several years after divorcing the narcissist, and despite warning signs all over the place, I am now convinced my current husband is another narcissist but with borderline tendencies.  I have also wondered if I am the one with the BPD and have taken steps to work greatly on my emotional regulation (anger has been an issue for me in the past). At this point, I really think that it is not me. I am not perfect at all, but my husband is something else... Of course it started off with him being my knight in shining armor, claiming he was my soulmate, blah, blah but he soured on me fairly quickly (apparently I 'do not meet his needs'). The emotional cruelty is extreme, and our marriage is truly a sham. We have been in therapy for several years now, and the process feels like an expensive enabling exercise.  He uses the silent treatment for weeks on end, claims he is the victim, and lies and breaks promises to me and the kids (his step children) constantly. His childhood was severely disrupted and we have spent a lot of time in therapy discussing it, but at this point, I am tired of the excuses, and disgusted with myself for stepping into yet another unhealthy relationship, with my kids involved. I hate myself for it, to be honest.

Any thoughts or ideas appreciated. I don't even know where to begin. Part of me wants to keep up appearances for the sake of my kids (although they know what is up as their step dad is never around), but I also hate living like this.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

It seems that you were subjected to a love bombing campaign before you ever got married to your second husband. Then once you got married to him he revealed his true nature to you.

Please be more gentle with yourself. Be more loving and kind. We need to work on building our self esteem first.

I practise daily Mindfulness meditations that really help me. There are many Loving Kindness meditations on YouTube that may help you. Being loving and kind first starts with yourself and then spreads out to other people.

I follow the Mindfulness teacher Tara Brach online. She gives regular free talks. Her website is www.tarabrach.com

I remain calm no matter what happens.

Observe, don't absorb.

I also follow the author and counsellor Kris Godinez. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". I always watch her frequent videos. I have learnt such a lot from her.

I am always learning about how to cope better.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister who has caused so much devastation and trauma in our family for decades.

World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day is on June 1st. There is a free WNAAD Survivor Empowerment Telesummit online that you may like to watch with many expert speakers.

https://wnaad.com/

I hope this all helps you.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[Secondtimecindy]

Thank you so very much for responding. It made my day

I am off to check out those resources.

Is there a section on this site for those we are staying in relationships/marriages- perhaps considering leaving but not yet there?

[Mauiforsanity]

What a mess!

Sorry you are going through this -

I ended up with (at least) a second narcissist in my life - I moved out at 74 mid-March - and no contact for almost three weeks now.

The resources offered by guitarman sound worth looking into - I will research them as well -

All the best -
Aloha!