Triangle About to Rock

[falsebalance2]

Well, it's been many months coming Out of the FOG (permanently I hope)....

There have been rapid changes in the I-D-D cycle. Even a few instances where I reverted back to thinking I made it all up in my mind and told everyone I brought in for support that I was wrong and everything was now okay.

Several times after talking it through with healthy individuals - I reached logical conclusions and solutions and then reached out to my Unpdh.... thinking surely this will work and I'll realize how wrong I was about him - Each time he proved his illogic and for lack of another word, cruelty. That was my participation in the cycle - I have gotten off the ride as abuse isn't a relationship issue. Until there is no abuse - there is no room to work on a relationship. So I've gotten off and am trying not to go back on the drama triangle ride. I do realize how necessary actions I take he can peg to one side or the other - And I can't worry about that. I am finding freedom from the few roles he allows within myself. He is free to percieve however he would like.

I understand he likely feels deep down on the inside out of control...but his attempts to feel in control are toxic and abusive. My compassion is not lost - I realize how confusing it must be as he cycles through what has worked for him for decades - and watching it fall apart in front of his own eyes. It has been incredibly difficult for me to wake up and face this reality - and I wonder if this is why some PDs can't face reality - they have a long trail of hurt to look at.

I've been in a two month long discard phase. I believe discard because by not engaging - he has been desperate for any chance to argue so he can explode on me and release the devalue - and I won't give it. Every time I feel the pressure mounting, I state an obvious fact and then remove myself.

For me, this has slowly deteriorated any romantic feelings. It has shown me the ghost I must mourn of the person who never existed within this relationship. He even raged at me that I created a false person to love. He called me a princess name and said I created a fantasy to live in. That really stung at the time - but I realize he is the one who profited from my fantasy and he handed me the majority of the bricks to build it. I believed it.

For him, this past several months appears to have been a puzzle to solve, devoid of emotions. Like a game of chess or poker.

We had to spend an outing together and now he is attempting an idealization. The thing is with his covert nature - since I am not playing along with my training to spill my every thought aloud* he can't sustain the idealization because he doesn't know where my mind is. I can feel his disdain for me....So it is more like an idealization of himself...like 'look how nice I'm being to her.' 'Look at what a good guy I am...how could she possibly treat me in a manner which I don't approve.' 'How could she leave me...look at how amazing I am.'

*(which is why I am so long winded here and I apologize - but it is safer to get it out here as I learn to break this JADE habit.)


I have come to prefer him being persecutor or victim. I feel he is ready for a shot at rescuer and it makes me so nervous. Almost a decade and a half of being so lonely in our relationship makes me vulnerable to percieved affection and love.

I supppse I'm up for a new test.

Although, once awake and aware - I can see how selfish the attempts are. How little he either knows about me, or how little he cares. There has always been the other person in our relationship (him). And he loves the other person but keeps me around for the benefits.

The more I wake up - these attempts to hoover, future fake, dangle a carrot, whatever else - Are making me painfully aware that I am only a possession, an object, a tool in his life. He is the star and I'm a supporting cardboard character.

And I can't move from MC and GR until and unless he can begin to see me as an individual person...And that day may and most likely will never come.

And GR and MC is a choice. At first that upset me - That by practicing self care and boundaries that I will in effect cause him to leave me fully. I hope to find some peace in that decision. I am here for a reason...It is my life, too....and I deserve to show up for it.

[losingmyself]

Beautiful post, FB
I completely understand where you're coming from.
I feel like this marriage to him is a mountain he can stand on. Plant a flag. Just to say that he has a house, a wife, kids. But in reality he treats us all like he hates us, like we've ruined his life, or aren't meeting his expectations of the visual he wants to create.
And like you, I am coming up with my own identity. I am trying to find the person I was before he starting "shaping me". And he doesn't like it one bit.

[falsebalance2]

Thank you, Losingmyself!

Here's to getting back in touch with ourselves! Wish I could give you a hug.


For me - I had always had a few dreams. I was okay with not seeing them come to life if circumstances or finances prevented them....a certain type of life I always imagined for myself. A small home with character and doing projects on it myself...a garden and animals...we had every means to have this.

It is painful to look back and see how he never had any intention to make those dreams a reality. He agreed I had great ideas and understood my love and need for nature. The grief over the years lost to future faking almost crumbled me.....But now I'm using those dreams to show myself I wasn't asking for too much - and we had everything we needed to make them happen...But he wouldn't admit he didn't want it.

So now I will aim my sights back on those goals and not be moved from that type of lifestyle I am after. I'll bloom where I'm planted and if he despises me for that - It isn't my problem!

[falsebalance2]

Thanks, user for the encouragement!

"It means something is changing." <-- So true - feeling powerless for so long with nothing changing - any change feels like a win!
I love your Matrix analogy. It is a bleak reality to wake up to - but the truth is better than any illusion with so much confusion 
It is nice to see the triangle as the enemy, rather than the PD. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone - let alone my own spouse. He has suffered so much - and keeping the angry toddler on the inside at the forefront in my mind shows me better how to deal with him. It doesn't excuse the behavior - but it gives me a good frame... It is something to grieve, though. Like waking up to realize you have a defiant adult child that cannot care for themselves and you're a single parent. I'll be grateful for his strong points and what he provides - but I have to come to terms with a loveless marriage and zero emotional support.

In order to dodge that cognitive dissonance I faced my entire life - I put a lot of blame and shame upon myself.

I'll keep your advice to stay on my toes and expect the unexpected shifts.

For now I am staying GR as he isn't acknowledging that anything is amiss - only passive-aggressively trying to communicate and withhold any affection. Everything has been based on silent assumptions - and I am no longer trying to figure out what his assumptions are. If he abandons me - then I've done all I could. If he stays, I will have to continue living my own life and navigating this new way of being.
That feels scary - Because I used to believe the lie that if I could just know what was going on in his head that I could stay ahead of things and keep everything calm.
Now I see I *am* the calm. And if I stay calm - then there is a place for healing if that healing is something he would like to seek for himself on his own - he doesn't need to worry about me because I am no longer trying to lean on someone who is incapable of being leaned on.

Based on my beliefs - I plan to stay until I am directed otherwise. (I was previously all over the page on this...On those stages of grief....But for now I have made up my mind).
Although I have a few grounds for leaving, I think leaving now would be more harmful in the long run - unless I am being physically harmed I plan to stick it out GR/MC if peace is still available and a healthy as possible environment for the children.
They see very little of him now and I have been good at keeping things extremely peaceful when he is around - If I left, they would be around him without me as a guide - so this way I have more influence over them to not be caretakers. I believe if I left, the natural consequence would be my eldest would fall into the role I have been in, and I can't place that burden on his little shoulders.    :sadno:qar

Should those factors change I will take whatever action necessary.
I am placing the children's needs ahead of anyone else's - and for now I think staying and employing the toolbox is the best option for them. I am also equipping them as well.
I do believe the "More is caught than taught," sentiment with children. The more I relax, stay calm, and take my own boundaries seriously - the less care-taking tendencies I see in them as well - which has been hugely encouraging.