Acquaintance anxiety

[Leonor]

Hello dear Oofers,

Advice ... please!

Ok, so when I was little, I was very shy. I was dreamy and a reader and I liked to draw a lot.

For a whole bunch of reasons, by my teens I was always out with bunches of people. I hated to be at home. I was still shy but I handled it by being funny and drinking and sleeping around my way through it. I was totally dissociative. But quite popular!

By my twenties I was a full blown love and work addict. I could not stand to be by myself. The idea that something interesting or exciting could happen in my circle and I wouldn't know about it would keep me up all night. I was drinking disordered, eating disordered, circadian disordered. I felt manic, but when you're manic, you don't feel bad - you feel super awesome! A super awesome #@€& mess, but still awesome.

Over the course of my healing, I have lost practically all of my friends. Some were narcissistic and manipulative. Some were flying monkeys for my abusive family. Some didn't believe that I was telling the truth about my trauma history.

For a while I panicked. No friends? A woman with no friends? A mom with no friends? There must be really something wrong with me. But then I thought maybe I'm getting back to my childhood self, just a sweet shy person. My mom was shy. I married a shy person. My kids are friendly but shy.

But here's my thing: I've noticed that my natural shyness has ratcheted up to social anxiety. I love texting, hate phone calls and dread in person visits. Other moms at my kid's soccer practice will invite me to hang out with them and I panic and say no. People will call me to say hi and I avoid answering the phone. I just get nervous and a stomach ache thinking about it! I can do work social things. I can do teaching social things. But social things make me nervous!

I don't want people to think I'm a snob or that I look down on them. I want to connect with other people and be able to have nice conversations. But I go into total Flight Mode, like Maverick Top Gun flight mode, around people.



Help!

[Andeza]

Are you... my long lost twin?

I don't have advice, just solidarity! I too was the shy child, hiding behind uBPDm while she would get mad that I did so because she thought somehow it made her look bad that I was terrified of people. ALL people. Dreamer, reader, drawer, tree climber (to escape!), horse rider, and movie lines reciter. Now, only in the last few months, I'm embracing the very real possibility that I'm actually autistic. Now I'm trying to get my head around the fact that my social anxieties are potentially caused entirely by that. I have no close female friends, only a casual friend that I text once every couple of months, and a best friend that's actual a mutual best friend with my husband. And is a guy. Because I don't relate well to women. Especially women my own age (early 30s).

I've managed to make peace with the fact that there's nothing wrong with my not having friends. Particularly female friends or other mom friends. I found that my anxieties ratcheted up heavily in the last two years as well, but due to some weird post-covid infection stuff I think. Not 100% sure, but seems likely to have caused it.

I would advise not caring what people think about your behavior and finding what you're comfortable with. Maybe that's letting the answering machine screen all your calls and then picking the conversation up by way of text instead later. Maybe it means sending emails instead of calling. Maybe your only "friends" are the online variety and that's all you really need to satisfy your "communication with other adults" needs. Because yes, I have discovered that is an actual category, lol.

I'm working right now on letting go of the conventions that society imposes on human interaction and demands of communication, because they don't work for me.

[1footouttadefog]

It seems like you have some emotions or some trauma related to social interactions that has bubbled up to the surface but not been dealt with.

It's certainly okay to not have as much social interactions as others but if it's bothering you or if you feel your needs are not being met perhaps you should self advocate towards resolving this. 

Maybe there is a medical or hormonal component.  Maybe some time with a therapist or a couple of trusted friends who really know you well could be of use.

Sometimes when I am dealing with something I just read alot of stories about it and how it impacts others online and get enough clues that I can self reflect on them and decide to make productive changes towards relief. 

I hope you find a path forward that works for you and that you are living your best life soon.

[Cascade]

Some of what you've said, about loving texting but hating talking on the phone is an introvert thing. I get the stomach ache anxiety too sometimes when I'm talking to people, though this only started in the last few years. One of the worse things someone can say to me is "we should go out for coffee sometime".  Other than the anxiety that's all about being an introvert.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I also relate, Leonor.   Both to your feelings and your history.  I medicated with alcohol when younger and with love addiction until a few years ago.  Since I went NC with my ex the end of 2019, it's hard to feel like I belong.

I live alone and I need to be more careful than most about Covid exposure, so I'm still kind of in lockdown.  It's very isolating.  I have a small number of program friends (12 step) I talk to on the phone, but I spend most of my time alone with my thoughts and feelings.  I grew up living in a fantasy world (which felt safe) and that could be like an addiction, too.  So I try not to spend too much time in daydreams as I don't want to get lost in that.  Also, of late, a few of my relationships feel less secure than they used to.  I feel a lot of loss, grief.

Having a therapist to check in with has been so helpful and necessary for me.  I also remember hearing a psychiatrist years ago instructing on how to work with social phobia.  Basically it was just to keep stretching the envelope a little bit at a time until something that used to feel uncomfortable doesn't anymore, and then work on the next level up.  Baby steps, though.  Not anything that launches a big fear response.  I think she said if you're not working on opening and expanding things, even a tiny bit at a time, your world can start closing down more and more -- going in the other direction.

Sigh.  This stuff is hard.  I wish you luck with it!

[JustKeepTrying]

 

Solidarity Sister!

Oh my gosh if we were IRL I would so get a coffee with you all - I would want to and be excited about it - but at the last minute be so anxious and nervy and go to cancel like a dozen times and then, maybe, force my way out the door.  Ugh.  The pain is real folks.

My therapist echos Lookin 2 b free.  She kept pushing me to go on a date; call/text a friend and so on.  To the point that I signed up for an improv class and I had to really force myself to go.  I was looking for a skill set to learn to speak my mind while quickly identifying my emotions and at the same time look confident.  All things I could in my 20s but after living with my xOCPDh for 30 years I had lost that ability.  By the end of the night, I was feeling so much more confident and quicker and it really helped.

My T has given me a set of daily worksheets to help identify my emotions and the trigger and response.  I work these into my daily journal and I have found that I am getting better at identifying the emotion.  I am slowly realizing that I can speak up and set a boundary or respond all in an appropriate manner.  I am beginning to discover my authentic self that I buried so long by living with a disordered person.  The work sheet is a simple set of three questions - Name the emotion?  What triggered the emotion?  How did you respond?  No one has to see your answers but you.  The more I responded on a daily basis the easier it became for me to identify it as it was happening. 

I hope this helps and know that the next time I pour myself a cup of coffee I will think of you and raise a glass in solidarity

[DistanceNotDefense]

Leonor....you and I are cut from the same cloth.

I think it may comfort you to hear that the younger generations (but not exclusively) do not welcome phone calls (especially ones out of nowhere) and prefer texting! Well, most of them.

I am in this category. For a long time, I struggled with feeling like it was somehow "wrong" to not want to talk on the phone, and to prefer texting. Now I embrace that this is kind of my primary mode of communication, and I express myself best that way. And that's the case with a lot of people - if that's what you think is causing your acquaintance anxiety.

What I once had anxiety (like you) about I now view as boundaried. Most people I will not answer the phone for, especially if I don't know them well at all. I am very introverted. I see phone calls as intrusive of my personal space, peace, and quiet if the person wants to talk immediately - and especially if they don't leave a voicemail!

Do these people who reach out to you text message too? When this happens to me, I don't answer and follow back with a text maybe an hour or two later. Saying "sorry I missed your call, what's up?" That might subtly cue them that you're a texter and funnel them that way.

If they call me after doing this I don't respond to the pressure. I focus on others who respect the way I prefer to communicate.

I mean, what if someone just burst through your door wanting to talk anytime? That's kind of how phone calls feel to me. Not hating on people who like phones - it's just not for me. 

P.S. Andeza - are you also my long lost twin? Early 30's, female friendships are iffy, might have a touch of the " 'Tism "....

[Andeza]

It's been nice realizing with time that I'm not weird, I'm not broken, I'm just different. For a long time I thought there was something wrong with me, but age has proven otherwise. Different is absolutely fine. 

[notrightinthehead]

Leonor, as you know, anxiety grows when you give in to it and try to avoid the situation that makes you anxious. It shrinks if you expose yourself to the 'dangerous ' situation and survive it.  Therefore, my guess is, if you were to hang around with the other mothers after soccer in spite of being terrified, the fear would fade. If you were to answer the phone and survive it, the fear would be smaller the next time it rings. How about you say to yourself- feel the fear and do it anyway?

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I always like the approach of "baby steps" with any new behaviors that are hard to adopt.  The idea that the change has to be something big can really undermine the whole thing and keep me stuck. 

I've had situations with groups that are like yours with the soccer moms, joining with others who want to develop connections further than the original reason for meeting.  Sometimes I'll try to do something that's naturally time-limited like nudge myself to show up 5 mins (or 10 or 2 mins, whatever's doable) before the gathering to "practice" spending more time with these people, knowing it will end soon and won't get too overwhelming.  Or maybe email an item to one that I think might be of interest.  Opening the door just a little crack wider until that feels safe, and a little wider again after that if I think it's worthwhile with those particular people.

I don't know much about phone / text / email etiquette these days.  It's changed over the years.  So maybe this is frowned upon ...  (though I don't really care; I will get back to people when and how it works for me and not feel obligated to meet some arbitrary demand).  Sometimes I'll get a phone message from someone and I don't have the time or inclination to call back.  So instead I'll text or email in reply.  The tone of the reply can convey a lot about whether you'd love to have a chance to chat soon or you're not really interested in doing more than the minimum amount of connecting.

I enjoy phone chats in general when I have the time.  But I know people who don't and are just upfront with me and others about that.  I appreciate being told that so I understand they're not rejecting me if they avoid phone contact.

Good luck to all of us making our way together!