I officially feel like an orphan

[Seven]

So timeline recap:
uNPDm passed last day of May in sunny state.
Service in sunny state was a week later both her and my father (finally) were interred.  Small funeral service in the funeral home.  No flowers, no pics, etc. that wasn't on me. That was on the 5 that were already down there.

Myself and Bro6 (mostly me) responsible for services in home state.  NBD but still sort of stressful trying to find restaurant open mid-day on a Friday.

Bro3 being passive-aggressive that we weren't waiting 3 months for him so he could have more vacation time to go, even though he was in sunny state for 4+ weeks.

Local memorial service was 2 days ago. Not nearly as full a church as my dads was (his was literally SRO).  Could be because everyone else had died, or maybe because it was being live-streamed so the out-of-Townes didn't have to worry about making the trip, but even with dads there weren't a bunch of out of town eras.  Mostly locals.

So as Bro6 did his eulogy (basically he is assigned the eulogy at everyone's funeral/memorial services) and it was obvious we didn't have the same relationship with our mother.  But as he was reading it, and his voice was cracking, and watching the other 4 sibs (2 didn't come...would not have expected them to) I came to the realization I'm an orphan.  It hit me even worse when the last of the sibs left to go back to sunny state yesterday.

Now it's just me....here in a state I never wanted to be in in the first place.  Being abandoned.  That was my childhood trauma.  When I was a teen we (eDad, uNPDm, and myself) moved to this state.  Everyone else was old enough to have their own lives.  A week after our move here, Sis4 and Bro6 came for turkey day and when they left I just remember saying "please take me with you". Sis4 knew I didn't belong here. 3 more sibs eventually moved here, which helped some,  but yesterday was a massive flashback to that day. Being left alone without my original family. 

Know what's sad though?  In his eulogy, he brought up when he was a kid, he would ask mom who was her favorite.  Know what her answer was?  It was "whoever needed her the most at the time". Needing to be needed.  Narc much?  Maybe that's why she didn't like her daughters, because we didn't need her?  But when I did need her it was made very clear I was a burden, so I very rarely asked for anything.

Jesus, I want to vomit.

[hhaw]

Go ahead and vomit, Seven.

I'll cyber hold your hair out of the way and support your forehead with a cold compress.

[blacksheep7]

My condolences for your mom.

Quote: Needing to be needed.  Narc much?
Maybe that's why she didn't like her daughters, because we didn't need her?  But when I did need her it was made very clear I was a burden, so I very rarely asked for anything.

Sounds like me and my mom.  She certainly didn't like that I wouldn't open up to her.  Would tell me that I was secretive.

Well yeah.  All she wanted was gossip, supply and like you push me away when I was in need and hurting.

I also would journal that I wanted to vomit.  Many times.
 
Nc five years and apparantly she's still alive and kicking at 90. 

[moglow]

Seven, I'm about convinced that all those poisons we were fed have to go somewhere. Get it OUT in whatever non-self destructive ways suit you. Don't hold or turn it inward and hurt yourself further, is what I'm saying.

Can you, do you want to move elsewhere? If so, what's holding you back? Would a good getaway help, somewhere you've never been but thought about or a place you've wanted to go back to? I know that wherever we go there we are, but a change of scenery, new place with new experiences not associated with your mother might be the ticket. Mine hasn't been and probably doesn't even know I bought my own place a couple of years back, and I like that. It's MINE. I've rid my home of pretty much anything connected to her with the exception of a few items I truly treasure and that's because of family or Daddy, mother was just a byproduct that really didn't matter with them.

You're not a burden, Seven. You're a good human who has needs she couldn't recognize or address. Grief has its own timeline for everyone and it rarely looks the same from one to the next or even one loss to the next. It takes time to work through, and we're here with you. I suspect you'll do more than throw up before it's all over - and that's what you need.
Peace.

[Seven]

Moglow,
Yes DH and I dream to retire to Sin City, but in case we don't we bought this home to retire in.  And we're about 10 years to retirement. And now can't really think of moving now that FIL is newly widowed. We'll be well-off once FiL passes but that could be another 10 years from now as well. And my kids were born and raised here, so another guilt trip to get over.  They're adulting just fine but they're not quite "settled" yet.

But yes, I can move pretty much whenever.  There's really not much holding us back. Just my guilt over the adult kids. Even FIL would be happy to move with us (just not "in" with us.  Nope nope.  Not happening). 

This is all still fresh. Still trying to find the new normal. I'm actually fairly good considering.  Some things trigger my crying but it's not sadness that she's passed, but sadness that she wasn't what she pretended to be to others.